To Feel Hurt or Not

amother

Copper

Sat, Jul 11 2015, 10:14 pm

had my couple over for Shabbos with my grandchild. I still have young children at home; & the whole Shabbos I feel that they were constantly criticizing my youngest who is nine. how he shouldn't bother their child. I couldn't take it & from about mincha time I couldn't even talk to them- I feel very hurt. they make me feel like I don't know how to discipline my child Sad

. the couple left right after havdalah & we didn't exchange any words other than gut voch. please let me know how to handle such a situation. thank you.

amother

Copper

Sat, Jul 11 2015, 10:48 pm

to my eyes they were both laughing, at the end of a certain game the almost 2 year old did get frustrated, which I most probably would have stopped the game; but I felt they are very strong about it, very critical & rough about it & over protective about it. if I wouldn't have felt so hurt about the whole situation, I would have been more ok with helping them with their child; but I was just hurt. my son loves his niece & is "chalishing" to play with her; but is constantly being told off - he is very frustrated. I try & play with him a lot, so he shouldn't be in the way etc....

zaq

Sat, Jul 11 2015, 11:12 pm

1. If you have to ask if you should feel hurt, you should not. Of what value is it to decide to be hurt if you are not even sure you have reason to be? Most people would ask for help getting over feelings of hurt, not to be persuaded to feel hurt.
2. If anyone should be hurt--and notice I say IF-- it would probably be your nine-year-old, who was being rejected or perhaps berated by his uncle and aunt.
3. I assume your ds and dil have so far only the one child. They are naturally going to be a little helicopterish. By the time they have five or six, they will be considerably more relaxed and less overprotective. We can only hope, anyway. But their hovering is understandable, if irritating.
4. Nowhere do I see that your parenting was being criticized. I think you may be interpreting it that way because you're too involved, interpreting any criticism of your child as a criticism of you. You need to separate yourself from your child. There's a reason why the umblical cord is cut immediately after birth.
5.As watergirl asked: WAS your ds bothering the baby? Young children sometimes don't know their own strength, and also tend to be somewhat clumsy. He may be chalishing to play with his niece but that doesn't mean that he can necessarily be trusted not to hurt her. Would you let him play with your Waterford crystal champagne glasses or your wedding-gift pearls just because he was chalishing to?
6. I get the impression that there is something more going on here that you aren't saying. It makes no sense that your ds and dil would stalk off in a huff after Shabbos just because they felt their kid brother was being a pest and annoying their baby. Nor does it make sense that you would feel "hurt" and as if your parenting was being criticized just because they were being less than cordial to one of your children, when you say you have plural children still at home. What are you not telling us? What is your history with this son and dil--somehow I sense that there is a dil and not a dd involved here?

freedomseek

Sat, Jul 11 2015, 11:13 pm

Young couples I find have an aloofness about their parenting , as if they've got it all right and will act on it even to an extreme. I think it takes a few kids to get out of that self centered mode. Please give them their space and laugh to yourself about it and even to your son ...
Explain to him just how overprotective they are and wink to him when they do something to prove that....
Good luck

zaq

Sat, Jul 11 2015, 11:20 pm

Not that I am in any way justifying your ds and dil. Your children are yours to discipline and it is not their place to do so. However, their job is to protect their baby, and if they perceived your nine-year-old as a threat, well, they have to block that threat. They may be overprotective because they have just the one child, or because that is their personality in general. They could have been more diplomatic and less hostile, but your youngest dc does not have an inalienable right to play with the baby just because she happens to be his niece.

amother

Indigo

Sat, Jul 11 2015, 11:41 pm

Not to take over this thread but..
I have a very similar situation. My oldest son and dil have 2 children who live in same city. ( have a daughter with 1 child but OOT). My baby is 10 year old boy on autistic spectrum. Have had many behavior issues with him since a very young age. He is not interested in his nephew, 3 yrs old, to put it mildly. My grandson is very sweet and does not get in his toys or space very much but bott line is , my child's tolerance level is very low. I feel my first allegiance is to my own child, especially as he is SN. On the other hand I don't know how to handle sensitive situations and feel judged with my diciplinary methods , which I know my dil does not approve of. I cannot and do not say any thing back to my dil or son as I want to maintain a relationship with them. It's also hard for them that my sons sibling ie my SN child shows no interence to his own nephew no?

amother

Peach

Sun, Jul 12 2015, 12:08 am

My DD and her DH are slightly (if not clinically) OCD. When they were younger they would seriously fly off the handle if my young son said or did anything they didn't like. Both DGS and DS were a bit wild & sometimes they got a bit vocal or more.

We actually did have a cooling off period while my younger kids got more mature and maybe the older kids mellowed just a bit.

At one point I think DH tried to explain to them that not everything in life can be perfect, and although you have every right to set standards of how you want to raise your kids, it can be that someone will sometimes say something to them that you don't like. You will be much better off learning to roll with the punches (figuratively, of course) than going nuts every time something doesn't meet your standards.

Of course you must protect your child from real danger or abuse.

Well, if you look at that thread with the autistic young uncle, yes, there can be times an uncle is inappropriate or dangerous and the parents are oblivious or in denial.

But, OP, assuming you're not like that...what might help is to have a talk before they come again and discuss what is the best way to keep things calm, what is acceptable to you as your child's parent & what's acceptable to them as their child's parent. And, if you can't agree, it might just be wise to minimize visits until everyone grows up just a bit.

What I was thinking, on the other thread as well, is that sometimes you want to say, if X happens, we'll just have to leave. Which would be a good reason to stick with weekday visits until you're more confident it can work over a Shabbos or YT when everyone is stuck with each other.