Criteria for choosing a place to live

amother

Ruby

Mon, Jul 20 2015, 8:51 pm

In choosing where to live, how important to you are the following items?

1. Geographical closeness to family
2. Privacy
3. Affordability (housing, tuition, etc.)
4. Hashkafic compatibility with the community in which you will live
5. Shuls and schools you really like
6. Resources such as kosher food, restaurants, shiurim, gemachs, etc.
7. Attributes of the larger area, not just the Jewish part of town (such as traffic, job market, crime rate, weather)
8. Other

amother

Burlywood

Mon, Jul 20 2015, 8:56 pm

when we first got married or when we just moved now?
I'll answer for now
4 and 5 were the most important
then came seven which was weather and traffic
and that's how we chose.

amother

Gray

Mon, Jul 20 2015, 10:50 pm

So, we just moved recently and so many items on your list were factors that it left our heads spinning when deciding where to go. At the end of the day we followed the advice of a wise friend and chose where we wanted our children to go to school and then moved to that location. It's not a perfect fit all around, but it took care of our biggest priority and is working out well.

Hashem_Yaazor

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 9:19 am

4 and 3 in that order. 4 takes care of 5 and 6 sort of.

Ruchel

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 12:37 pm

Affordability. If I move there and can't school the kids, well....
Security. The minimum, I mean, not being able to go out at 3 am alone etc.
Schools I like in accepting distance; for some it means half an hour, for some an hour and half...

All the rest, I can deal with. But sheer ability be BE there, minimal safety/peace of mind, and chinuch trump everything.

amother

Ruby

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 1:36 pm

OP here

Sorry this is about to be a LONG post, but I really appreciate anyone who reads through it and offers their thoughts.

Thanks for your answers. It's interesting to see which factors played a role in other people's decisions about where to live. Right now I'm torn between two places. I grew up in a certain city and at the age of 18 I left to go to seminary, college, grad school, etc. changing cities every couple of years. When DH and I got engaged we decided to live in his current city, mainly because he was established there and I wasn't really established anywhere. We've lived in his city for a few years now and while it's a good fit in many ways, it's not in other ways. We're considering moving to my hometown. I've spent months trying to figure out what I really want. Maybe you guys can help me sort it out. (DH is open to both cities, btw.)

______________

Current city:

PROS:
- This is the place I have felt most at home religiously/spiritually so far in my life.
- We love the elementary school.
- DH is really settled here socially.
- I enjoy the freedom and privacy of being able to "be my own person" separate from my family.

CONS:
- We don't have any family nearby.
- We don't have good career prospects.
- We likely won't be able to afford it in the long run. (Once we outgrow our apartment, there's nowhere else to go unless we can somehow buy a house.)
- I don't have the greatest confidence in the schools (other than the elementary school).
- The community has some divisive politics I am very uncomfortable with. (I'm sure this is true everywhere, but there are particular sticking points here that are not a problem in my hometown.)

_______________

My hometown:

PROS:
- I have parents, siblings, cousins, etc. nearby. I love the idea of raising my family in a place where my kids will know at least some of their cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles. Not to mention that my family would be a good support system for us to have close by.
- Affordable housing.
- Good schools. I'm not so familiar with them nowadays, but I hear there are decent options for every level from preschool-high school.
- More and better community resources.
- Better career prospects for both DH and myself.
- More opportunity for having a social life.

CONS:
- We'd be very far from DH's family.
- DH might struggle socially, at least the beginning.
- Hashkafically it's a mix and we'd have to work to find our place.
- Less privacy.
- I would really have to work at feeling like a "real adult" in the place where I grew up.
- We'd have to "start over" as the new family on the block. Even though I grew up there, I haven't lived there in many years and I hardly know any of the young families.
- More traffic. Not a HUGE deal, just annoying.
_________________

BOTH cities:

- Are in a good/safe part of town, low crime.
- Have terrible winters.

_________________

Okay, so... to anyone who made it through all of that, thank you and I look forward to hearing your thoughts! Smile

L25

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 1:56 pm

so I read through it...
you said your dh is ok moving so I wouldn't put such a focus on the fact that hes currently settled
it sounds like living near his family vs your family and again seems like hes ok with it being your family. are you ok with that, do you get along better with his....?

you say you enjoy the freedom to be your "own person" separate from your family- is your hometown very small? have new people moved in since you left? do you think you can have your own friends are you have married sisters/sils and it's so small that you will be part of the same chevra, davening in the same shul...

schooling seems like it would be fine in your home town. Parnassah will be better and living will be more affordable- that's huge!

hashkafically will you be able to find like minded people- are you the type to be swayed by what other people do and become someone who isn't "true" to yourself?

those are my thoughts.

Hashem_Yaazor

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 2:07 pm

Can I ask how long it's been since you've lived in your hometown? It sounds like a while. Has the community changed a lot since then? If so, I'd venture to guess you won't be seen as the high school girl you once were as much as you think you will be because of the time span and changeover.

Raisin

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 3:22 pm

your hometown sounds like a much better option.

To me it seems it is much easier for men to make friends through shul and possibly work, but it is much harder for women. So I think living in your hometown will be more important for you.

Many many people live in the place they grew up and seem to manage. Smile

amother

Ruby

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 3:37 pm

OP here again.

Thank you to everyone who read by long post and replied.

L25 - The one issue you brought up that is a real concern for us is that I AM sometimes the kind of person who is easily swayed into doing/becoming something I don't believe in. It's especially an issue around my family. They are frum and we are frum, but we don't share all the same hashkafos. We are mutually respectful and no one ever pushes or pressures each other, but when I'm around them I sometimes fall back into the mindset of how things USED to be. Such as being less careful with tznius or similar issues. DH insists that if we do move there, I MUST be fully on the same page as him religiously (as I am now, more or less), and not waver. That's hard for me, and part of the reason why our current community is so good for me. There's a positive peer pressure for the things I believe in. In my hometown the community is much, much larger and there's more of a mix, hashkafically, so regardless of where I am holding religiously in different areas, I could find a crowd where I would "fit in." It's good to some extent, but not when I'm trying to hold myself to where I'm holding now.

Hashem_Yaazor - I haven't been part of the community in my hometown for over 10 years. Most people I grew up with no longer live there. The young community is all brand new to me. We also would not be sending our kids to the same schools I went to, which is another plus. I'm not so worried about the community remembering me and treating me like a child (even my parents' crowd). I'm more concerned about myself FEELING like a child. But you're right, likely I won't, because everything is so new these days. BH I make friends easily and like to be social. I think I would do fine starting over socially. DH has a harder time, even with shul and everything.

L25

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 3:49 pm

are these two places your only options or is there somewhere within an hour or so drive from either of your families that will be a good fit for you?

Its good that you are being honest with yourself about your needs hashkafically. is there anything you can put in to place like connect with a specific growth oriented shul...