Couple in 60's on verge of divorce, wife is very sick and

amother

Dodgerblue

Mon, Jul 20 2015, 10:17 pm

justcallmeima wrote:

Somebody needs to get an attorney for this woman. If not her son or her sister or the Rebbetzin, then perhaps you as a friend of over 30 years could try.

Theres a lawyer involved, but with the devotion of those currently involved most of whom's hands are tied, I hope she will be ok, until the battle is over. The main player Mr Husband, doesnt give a hoot about her. Nothing changes overnight.

cookiejar

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 6:33 am

amother wrote:

Not happening, theres too much money in her name involved and bad blood between them. Husband is getting even.

Something doesn't sound right. Nursing home care is SO exorbitantly expensive that even the ppl who desperately need it sometimes cannot. I can't see someone putting and leaving a spouse there to be spiteful - he's blowing all the money!!

smilingmom

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 6:51 am

OP, I feel your frustration, but please tread carefully.
There is a lot going on that we as fellow imamothers do not know and you are also probably not aware of.
The fact that you say they are the verge of divorce is misleading. Has the husband or wife said anything to indicate that they are planning to divorce.
Also the fact that no one in the family is willing to 'help' her (assuming she needs help) is very telling.
They all know the situation and are not taking any action. Unless you want to apply to be her guardian through the courts, I think you should just visit her often and try to be there for her and do not criticize her family.

Sanguine

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 7:20 am

What do the son and sister want? They don't want her to move in with them. DH won't personally take care of her cause they were about to get divorced and he doesn't love her. Bad timing that she's now sick. DH is paying for nursing home. He'd probably be happy if her blood relatives took over and let her move in with them. Even if by law he was required to let her move back home, is that what sister and son want? Maybe they do - they're not offering to take her in either.

Maybe I'm not totally clear on the story, but what do son and sister want? DH won't sign her out of the nursing home if she has no place to go. He's paying for very expensive care now. If son and sister think that she needs "love" too, it's not going to come from DH - It's their responsibility to give love.

amother

Dodgerblue

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 7:53 am

smilingmom wrote:

"They all know the situation and are not taking any action."

No, according to someone very involved theyre all fighting the husband who left the house when he wanted out of the marriage, and moved himself back in, when she was taken to the hospital and isnt letting her back in now. I doubt anyone is paying out of pocket for the nursing home. Husband is way too shrewd and money conscious.

smilingmom

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 9:55 am

amother wrote:

What does "they're all fighting the husband" mean?
Have "they're all" gone to Court to file a petition for guardianship?
Have "they're all" spoken to the Nursing home social worker?
Have "they're all" made arrangements for her care if she moves back home?
Have "they're all" offered to help husband arrange for hospice care if that is what is best?
or
Have "they're all" been complaining and fighting husband because he dare place her in a nursing home, where she gets 24 hour care, all her meals and personal needs taken care of and some recreational activities, while he is able to live free of her as he intended when they separated?

amother

Dodgerblue

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 10:15 am

smilingmom wrote:

No one puts a young 60's woman into a nursing home if shes not attached to machinery.

smilingmom

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 10:37 am

amother wrote:

No one puts a young 60's woman into a nursing home if shes not attached to machinery.

Can she dress herself? feed herself? shower herself? shop for herself? take care of her finances by herself?
If the answer to any of these questions is 'no' and her son and sister and friends are unwilling to take care of her, who will???
Assuming the husband does the 'right' thing and lets her move back into the house alone and he moves out, as he did previously, what will be with her in one month?
At least in the nursing home, her basic needs are being taken care of, something that would not happen if she moved back into her house.

amother

Blonde

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 10:42 am

I have the feeling that this it all comes down to money.
The son and sister are afraid their inheritance is being dissipated by the nursing home.
Their motive is greed and not care.
Each has the option to bring 'victim' to their house and take care of her.
The refuse to.
Chances are her will says they get the money and not the husband (except the minimum required by law).
He is exacting revenge by using up her money.

Chayalle

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 11:07 am

So - son lives far away and is not available to care for his mother.

Sister does not want the burden either.

Well-meaning Rebetzin knows better than everyone.

They all feel the wife would be better off at home even though she is very sick - being cared for by whom?

As someone with experience in this area (my mother was sick and first was cared for by my father, then had home-care, then had to be in a nursing home when her illness progressed) I agree there are holes in this story.

A woman who is sick cannot come home unless there is a care plan for her. Husbands don't always make good caregivers and aides may be insufficient - they might do basic care but they are not medical. (In our experience, we put my mother in a nursing home when the aides did not pick up on a fever because they don't monitor temperatures, etc...they just feed and bathe....it was family that picked up that my mother was not herself....)

It's not easy to get someone into a nursing home - we felt my mother got that WAY past when she needed it, doctors are in no hurry to put someone into a nursing home.

So

On what basis do the son and sister, and Rebetzin, think they know better than the doctor what this sick woman needs?

If she were to come home, who would care for her? Who would ensure that her basic needs are met? Who would ensure that her medical needs are supervised?

No one who is not willing to provide that care themselves is in a position to judge anyone else for not doing it.

Laiya

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 12:22 pm

Chayalle wrote:

On what basis do the son and sister, and Rebetzin, think they know better than the doctor what this sick woman needs?

If she were to come home, who would care for her? Who would ensure that her basic needs are met? Who would ensure that her medical needs are supervised?

No one who is not willing to provide that care themselves is in a position to judge anyone else for not doing it.

This.

There are still far too many holes in this story. Nursing homes and hospitals are not permitted to discharge a patient into an unsafe environment. If the husband or other family members are not able to demonstrate that they can care for the wife properly at home (including coordinate with therapists, address safety concerns such as fall risks, stairs, manage medicines and possible IV's, etc.), the nursing home cannot legally discharge her, simple as that.

The "money" argument doesn't really make sense here. As others have mentioned, nursing home costs are prohibitive. The husband and son would have a vested interest in the wife living at home, as that is significantly cheaper, even with a visiting nurse coming to the house.

If the couple previously planned for Medicaid and Medicaid is covering the cost of nursing home care, Medicaid would also cover the cost of a visiting nurse coming to the house. In either case, the expense of the wife's care is not depleting the marital funds or anyone's future inheritance.

OP wrote that the nursing home is committing malpractice by conspiring with the husband to wrongfully sedate the wife. That sounds rather speculative to say the least, and is not based, I'm assuming, upon the OP's or rebbetzin's having reviewed the wife's medical records.

If OP and the rebbetzin want to do a chessed, they can set up a rotation to visit this woman, as I suggested above.

Frumdoc

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 5:50 pm

What does it really have todo with the OP? What is the point of this thread?

Families are complex, relationships and marriages are complex, diseases and finances are complex.

There is no way that you know exactly what is going on and that the details are that black and white unless you are the daughter or the wife herself, and to be honest, even the daughters don't know the details of the marriage.

So if the rebbetzin told you, or it is your own observation, then for goodness sake butt out andbe a friend to this woman and stop spreading anonymous gossip about her husband and his apparent intention to muder her.

Either you know this, in which case you call 911and talk to the police, or you are guestimating, in which case you should review the laws of LH and think about the churban.

amother

Dodgerblue

Wed, Jul 22 2015, 12:50 pm

Frumdoc wrote:

Ive never said hes actually trying to kill her, but one thing I know for sure, he has told people he hopes she dies asap. He yells it in the street... not much of a secret.