Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
Would you want to know if your kids were misbehaving?



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

UQT




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 22 2015, 2:02 pm
This morning I saw a group of 5 kids, 6 and 7 year olds, taunting an adult neighbor. I was horrified beyond belief that kids would have the chutzpah to talk like that to an adult. If it was your child would you WANT to know what is going on? I don't want to speak their parents if the will just shoot the messenger.
Back to top

yo'ma




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 22 2015, 2:12 pm
Plain and simple, I would, but I don't think it's that simple.
Back to top

Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 22 2015, 2:26 pm
Yes, but I would be very careful in how I presented the problem.

There's a reason why many of us who are otherwise reasonable people get defensive when someone says something against our kids. It's not that we truly believe that our little angels are incapable of misbehavior. It's just that the snotty self-righteousness of the "reporter" makes us automatically raise our shields.

I would probably approach each parent with something along the following lines:

"Hi, Mindy! I'm talking to all the moms on the block about something I saw yesterday. A group of kids were yelling insults and teasing the Goldbergs' cleaning lady while she was waiting for the bus.

I didn't see everyone who was involved; it was a group. But I'm talking to my Shlomo and Chaim about it, and I know you'll probably want to mention it to your Shmulie.

You know how kids get when they're in a group: the biggest tzaddik on the planet gravitates to the worst ideas!"

Now, you may think that your adorable Shlomo and Chaim would never, ever do something like that, but you would be wrong. Life offers plenty of opportunities for people to be both bullies and victims, miscreants and law-abiding citizens.

Think of how *you* want to be approached when your offspring do something that suggests they were raised by wolves. I guarantee the opportunity will present itself!
Back to top

Talya




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 22 2015, 2:44 pm
Yes, I would want to know.
Back to top

shanie5




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 22 2015, 9:41 pm
Yes, I also would want to know. How can I correct my childs behavior if I have no idea?
Back to top

rachelbg




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 22 2015, 11:44 pm
I would absolutely want to know. I'd be mortified about it, but I'd want to know so I could try and do what I could about it.
Back to top

Miri7




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 23 2015, 12:59 am
I would also definitely want to know. I had a similar situation rec nth and I was careful not to say which kids did exactly what. I didn't want to start gossip among the moms about who initated the behavior etc etc. so I told each mom about her kids actions when she asked and the. Didn't use the other kids' names when taking about the specific behavior. To me the goal was for all of us to be aware and be able to talk with our kids - not to start gossip among the moms about who the troublemakers are.

All the moms were very receptive and seemEd to appr coats that I told them.
Back to top

FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 23 2015, 1:39 am
I would totally want to know. Not to yell at DD, but to get her side of the story, and then sort things out with the other parents.

I can't stand parents who think "their little angel would NEVER do something like that!" I'm pretty sure there's a 50/50 chance that any kid would do something naughty at some point in their life.
Back to top

vicki




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 23 2015, 4:47 am
FranticFrummie wrote:
I'm pretty sure there's a 50/50 chance that any kid would do something naughty at some point in their life.
You made me laugh.
I think you are being so kind. There is probably more like a 100% chance that any kid would do something naughty at some point in their life.

ETA: Except for mine. Of course.
Back to top

Jewishmom8




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 23 2015, 4:50 am
I would really want to know. definitely.
Back to top

imasoftov




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 23 2015, 5:11 am
Yes. And no. And even if I want to know, don't be the person who tells me. Also don't keep important information from me. And whatever you do, don't be paralyzed.

Also your kids are worse so who are you to talk?
Back to top

Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 23 2015, 5:23 am
Tell me without judgement, I won't believe you, but I'll inquire about it. DO NOT, however, tell off my kid. It's not your place. Give him safety advice, okay. Disciplining him or telling him to play elsewhere- who are you to do that?
Back to top

Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 23 2015, 10:32 am
Yes, I would want to know.

Years ago once had an issue where a teacher called me several months into the year about a situation that she said was ongoing since the beginning of the year. I was really upset - why was I not informed 6 months ago?

I have seen parents who don't want to know. Once had a situation where I found 5 10-year-olds broke into the pool area on Shabbos day. We are talking about them running around an area with 10 feet of water, no adult supervision. I informed the parents very matter-of-factly, and was shocked that one parent's reaction was like "what are you so worried about?"
Back to top

Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 23 2015, 10:37 am
Iymnok wrote:
Tell me without judgement, I won't believe you, but I'll inquire about it. DO NOT, however, tell off my kid. It's not your place. Give him safety advice, okay. Disciplining him or telling him to play elsewhere- who are you to do that?


Agree, I've seen people who will tell their version of what's going on and it might not be the truth. My own reaction will be something like "Thank you for telling me. I will speak to my child and find out what happened." That doesn't mean I automatically assume I've been told all the details factually.

Someone once called my mother, screaming how my brother knocked off her son's glasses and broke them, and my mother had better pay for new glasses, etc...my mother calmly said she'll speak to my brother and find out what happened. My brother (and others) verified that the boy shoved my brother against a wall; as my brother put his hands up to defend his face from an oncoming punch, he accidentally knocked the other boy's glasses off his face. My parents did not pay - and the woman never called back, she probably ended up getting the facts straight later on.
Back to top

amother
Navy


 

Post Thu, Jul 23 2015, 11:08 am
Chayalle wrote:
Agree, I've seen people who will tell their version of what's going on and it might not be the truth. My own reaction will be something like "Thank you for telling me. I will speak to my child and find out what happened." That doesn't mean I automatically assume I've been told all the details factually.

Someone once called my mother, screaming how my brother knocked off her son's glasses and broke them, and my mother had better pay for new glasses, etc...my mother calmly said she'll speak to my brother and find out what happened. My brother (and others) verified that the boy shoved my brother against a wall; as my brother put his hands up to defend his face from an oncoming punch, he accidentally knocked the other boy's glasses off his face. My parents did not pay - and the woman never called back, she probably ended up getting the facts straight later on.


WOMAN (angrily marching child to his mother): You need to do something about this child. He just said f*** to my Snowflake.

MOTHER (calmly): No he didn't.

WOMAN: I was there! He said it!

MOTHER: I know he didn't.

WOMAN: Its people like you who don't discipline their kids who make this park unpleasant. RANTING CONTINUES

MOTHER: My child has a serious speech and language impediment. There are many sounds he cannot make, including the F sound. I'd be overjoyed if he said it. But he didn't.

Of course I'd like to know. Calmly. But I will also listen to my child's side of the story.
Back to top

Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 23 2015, 12:10 pm
Although this isn't in "Issues of Concern to Frum Society," that might be a good place.

I've talked about this a lot with various friends and family members over the years, and there's a lot going on when we have aggressive, ranting parents calling out other people's children and defensive, defiant parents attempting to protect their precious offspring.

People in their 50s and up remember a time when, more or less, the "village" raised children even in extremely urban settings. Neighbors and random adults were encouraged and expected to correct any malfeasance they witnessed. Oh, sure, there was always some cranky guy who yelled at the kids for getting too close to his grass or steps, but the argument was whether the offense was legitimate -- not whether he had the right to correct bad behavior.

Somewhere along the line, that changed.

At the same time, I'm routinely shocked by attitudes I see among educators and others involved with children. A call from your child's teacher is likely to be a demand that you "fix" your child so that the teacher's life is easier. I once had a 4th grade teacher tell me, "I can't be expected to teach unless I have 100 percent compliance from the girls." I thought, "Wow! Lucky you don't work with doctoral students!"

I feel like we're increasingly locked in a dance that harms everyone: it encourages people to take out their frustrations on parents, and parents must in turn become more vigilant in defending their kids. So at a time when we can use all the help we can get, we've isolated ourselves even more.
Back to top
Page 1 of 1 Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Saying no to kids for selfish reasons
by amother
46 Today at 6:59 am View last post
I love frum fashion for kids
by amother
124 Today at 2:23 am View last post
Disciplining other people’s kids
by amother
37 Yesterday at 11:53 pm View last post
Kids shabbos shoes affordable. Let's make a list!
by amother
63 Yesterday at 10:17 pm View last post
[ Poll ] S/o what do your kids call your dh?
by amother
24 Yesterday at 6:14 pm View last post