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Forum -> Parenting our children
When do you let a child quit?



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amother
Blue


 

Post Fri, Jul 24 2015, 9:00 am
This is not for me, but I'm watching this dilemma play out with a family member, so I'm wondering what people think. Child has a passionate hobby and begged parents to go to a specialized 2 week camp that caters to that hobby (like a music or art or science camp). The camp is expensive and also a flight away. It's almost a week in and child hates it and is begging to come home. One parent says, listen, you wanted this, it was very expensive, and you only have a week left, just stick it out. Other parent says, poor kid is miserable, what's to be gained by forcing, if we stand firm, the child may come to hate the beloved hobby and is standing on principle really worth that.
I see both sides, though at least knowing the child in question, I would lean towards sticking it out. WDYT?
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Rutabaga




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 24 2015, 9:10 am
How old is the child?
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amother
Blue


 

Post Fri, Jul 24 2015, 9:45 am
Rutabaga wrote:
How old is the child?

Lower teens.
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yo'ma




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 24 2015, 10:14 am
For one more week left, I would not the child quit. They have to learn once you start something, you have to finish with it especially since it's going to be over soon anyway.
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amother
White


 

Post Fri, Jul 24 2015, 10:20 am
I think it very much depends on what is making the child miserable. Horrible homesickness? Bullying? Doesn't like the curriculum? Nobody talks to them?

This requires a call to the camp director to see how the child appears to be doing from the outside. If you have a nonfunctional kid who drifts from activity to activity but hasn't caused trouble let so nobody from camp called, I would bring them home. If it's an internal thing but the kid is doing fine and people who actually know how to look think the social situation is ok, I'd say stay put.
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amother
Turquoise


 

Post Fri, Jul 24 2015, 10:23 am
Find out what is really going on. I was made to stay in camp when I was being seriously bullied. It was awful!!!!
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anonymrs




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 24 2015, 11:12 am
If there is any type of bullying or abuse going on, it can destroy the child to be made to stay. The parents must find out whats going on. And if they can't, bring the child home.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 24 2015, 12:24 pm
yo'ma wrote:
For one more week left, I would not the child quit. They have to learn once you start something, you have to finish with it especially since it's going to be over soon anyway.


Especially a teen
Especially money involved
Especially something they asked for


If there is abuse, you take him out and you sue etc if they didn't do their very best.
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amother
Blue


 

Post Fri, Jul 24 2015, 12:51 pm
There is no bullying involved, BH. There is some homesickness. The chief complaint is that a lot of time is spent on training exercises and practice and such, and not as much actually doing the thing. And though it has not been explicitly stated, the parent pushing to stay suspects that the child, who is known at school to be the absolute best at this, is experiencing some disappointment at being merely "average" compared to the other kids in the camp.
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 24 2015, 2:29 pm
amother wrote:
There is no bullying involved, BH. There is some homesickness. The chief complaint is that a lot of time is spent on training exercises and practice and such, and not as much actually doing the thing. And though it has not been explicitly stated, the parent pushing to stay suspects that the child, who is known at school to be the absolute best at this, is experiencing some disappointment at being merely "average" compared to the other kids in the camp.

Child should stay if such is the case.
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amother
White


 

Post Fri, Jul 24 2015, 2:35 pm
ra_mom wrote:
Child should stay if such is the case.


I agree.
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morah




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 24 2015, 2:48 pm
In light of the new details, I say stay. If the other parent wins out and brings the child home, the child should work for the rest of the summer to pay back the unused tuition, flight change fee, etc.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 24 2015, 2:56 pm
amother wrote:
There is no bullying involved, BH. There is some homesickness. The chief complaint is that a lot of time is spent on training exercises and practice and such, and not as much actually doing the thing. And though it has not been explicitly stated, the parent pushing to stay suspects that the child, who is known at school to be the absolute best at this, is experiencing some disappointment at being merely "average" compared to the other kids in the camp.


I vote with the mom.

Kids and adults alike benefit from growth, and from being able to reach higher. If this "passionate hobby" is all about the ego boost of being the biggest fish in a small pond, then maybe it isn't so terrible if the child does come back and give it up for a while, after being exposed to a more rigorous curriculum. But if a person really loves an activity, s/he will not part with it forever.

There is a strong likelihood that the second week will be more interesting. If the first week is focused on technique, odds are that the second week will have at least some performance.

Parents should tell the kid, "you can do this!" Not, "We can't afford to take you out early." Not, "You made your bed, now lie in it." Rather, "We have faith in you -- it might be boring and not as much fun as we had all hoped, but let's make the best of it. Try to write down at least one good thing about every day; it will keep your spirits up. We are so proud of you, and are confident that you can learn and have fun!"
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chavs




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 24 2015, 3:11 pm
My mother who is in her 70ies now, still talks with sadness and resentment at how she had to stay in sleepover camp when she was a child and she was homesick. She was so miserable that it was a memory that has stayed with her her whole life. I've heard her talk about it so many times that all else aside I wouldn't do that to my child. There are worse things than losing money imo.
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amother
Aubergine


 

Post Fri, Jul 24 2015, 3:30 pm
Been in a similar situation. Dd came home and did volunteer work and babysitting so she wouldn't be hanging around. We got her to talk about her reasons over the next couple of weeks but didn't push her. She gained a lot of insights through the conversation, learned that we'd always listen to her but wouldn't just let her hang around. The activities weren't punitive and we didn't present them that way. We asked for a plan to fill the time and she came up with this one.
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Amarante




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 24 2015, 8:17 pm
Under the circumstances, the child should not be allowed to quit.

This is an excellent way for someone to learn in a safe environment that life consists of a lot of experiences in which one should persevere even if one is not *happy*. The child is not being tortured or bullied but merely finding out that something isn't quite up to his/her expectations.

Many things I had to learn in school (including grad school) were not *interesting* and even at this child's age, I had to do things that were boring or difficult or whatever. My first job at 16 wasn't the epitome of thrills as it consisted of standing up for long periods of time culling through file cabinets.

As the old cliche goes, genius is ten percent inspiration and ninety percent perspiration.

ETA - I think the only time I was allowed to "quit" something with parental blessings was when I was told AFTER I had opened the mail at a job how to check for letter bombs.
shock shock shock shock It wasn't so much that the job held a certain degree of risk albeit very unlikely but that the people had so little respect for me that they failed to let me know.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 24 2015, 11:06 pm
The first week of camp is almost always difficult. It's the last week of camp where the REAL fun starts. Tell her that, and she may change her mind.
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