What does Hashem want? Fasting with little kids

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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Shabbos, Rosh Chodesh, Fast Days, and other Days of Note

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amother

Lime

Sun, Jul 26 2015, 10:10 am

I have a 1 yr old and 2 yr old at home. It is so hard to watch them while I fast. There is no one who could help me. I got some new toys and things but it is so draining physically. My husband never helps. By the end of the day, I am always snappy, irritable, and not so nice to my toddlers anymore. It is enough that I can fast, being patient is impossible when I'm so weak. Hashem wants me to fast, but how can He expect me to be patient and nice to my kids? It is hard not to pass out and I am not a good faster.

amother

Red

Sun, Jul 26 2015, 10:13 am

Where do you live? If you live in Brooklyn, I have kids the same age and I am not fasting. You can come over to me after chatzos and sit on my couch. The kids can play together. I am posting anonymously because of location, but if you want to come we can arrange it somehow.

chani8

Sun, Jul 26 2015, 10:16 am

Hashem didn't tell us to fast on Tisha B'av. It's a rabbinical fast, so don't blame Him.

There are threads with advice on how to make fasting easier. You should prepare better, with tzom kal and perhaps a caffeine suppository or whatever.

You could ask for a heter to drink small amounts. I'm sure it's not the fasting from food that makes it so hard, right? It's the 'not drinking' (esp coffee!) that usually makes people feel so terrible. So get a heter to drink tiny amounts.

A Rabbinical fast that has been pushed off a day has the most chance of getting a heter.

amother

Tan

Sun, Jul 26 2015, 10:20 am

I certainly cannot speak for Hashem, but I would only imagine that He wants your husband to help!
You should be taking turns with your husband so that you can both take breaks.
I also find that getting together with another mother and kids (not to socialize), just to let the kids play, often takes to strain off.
If your husband refuses to help u would really talk to your Rav and get him to talk some sense into your husband.

imasinger

Sun, Jul 26 2015, 11:02 am

Are there older kids in your neighborhood? Some of them may be bored at home, and would be happy to come play with your cuties for a while, and let you rest.

I'd send you my 13 year old DD, if you lived nearby.

imaima

Sun, Jul 26 2015, 11:41 am

If u have a 1 y.o., some rabbonim would have told you not to fast. You need to ask.

Iymnok

Sun, Jul 26 2015, 11:45 am

Hashem wants you to try your best.
Childproof the best you could. Plan easy food, give it out every2-3 hours. Plant yourself on the couch and stay there as much as possible.
Even though it's tisha b'av, give out treats if it will be easier for you.
Don't forget the AC and fans.
They still nap, right? You sleep too.

amother

Puce

Sun, Jul 26 2015, 11:50 am

Are you nursing? If I understood correctly - Rav Yisroel Reisman said in his shiur this week that because it is a nidcha, women who are pregnant or nursing do not need to fast after mincha.

Rubber Ducky

Sun, Jul 26 2015, 1:29 pm

Right, it's a nidche fast, there are lots of heterim. Do ask your Rav.

amother

Emerald

Sun, Jul 26 2015, 2:16 pm

I don't know if this would work for your husband.

I am pregnant and my rav does not hold that a nidche Tisha B'av is a leniency not too fast.
he told DH he should skip all shul and stay home all day and watch other kids if it means I will fast (I don't need that (or at least not yet) - but was impressed with the advice.

ETA: not sure if you mean pass out as in falling asleep or passing it from thirst\hunger. If it is the second you must break your fast before that happens or is even a risk.

[As another poster mentioned I feel caffeine suppositories are a total game changer]

notshanarishona

Sun, Jul 26 2015, 2:53 pm

Many Rabbanim hold that if if you are withing 2 years of birth you don't need to fast the minor fasts. Since it is nidche, many hold 9 av has the same leniency.

Also, bribe your kids in any way to get them to behave more.

New toys, Candy, etc.. It's worth the investment.

Your husband not helping is a seperate issue, but my husband was told that even on yom kippur he is mechuyav to stay home from shul if I don't have the energy to fast and take care of a baby the whole day.

amother

Emerald

Sun, Jul 26 2015, 3:27 pm

Can you just tell him you are going to take a nap and he should wake you in 2 hours?

zaq

Sun, Jul 26 2015, 7:12 pm

There are suppositories that one can buy in a pharmacy that make it easier to fast. They contain either caffeine for those who suffer from caffeine withdrawal (though if you do, take it as a sign that you need to scale back on your intake in general) or aspirin (for those who get headaches) or both. Ask your doctor or pharmacist now since Yom Kippur is only two months away.

imasoftov

Mon, Jul 27 2015, 2:07 am

amother wrote:

I certainly cannot speak for Hashem, but I would only imagine that He wants your husband to help!

I also can't say for certain, but it does seem probable.

Ruchel

Mon, Jul 27 2015, 7:34 am

I may get attacked but aspirin will do nothing for a fasting migraine or a migraine alltogether, and a/c is a luxury many do not have or cannot afford to turn on.
I happily ate on TBA, BH for nidches... dreading YK...

miami85

Mon, Jul 27 2015, 8:45 am

chani8 wrote:

Hashem didn't tell us to fast on Tisha B'av. It's a rabbinical fast, so don't blame Him.

I'm sorry, with all due respect Chani8, but this is not a proper Hashkafa. The Rabbis are HaShem's messengers, so it's like saying "go ahead, shoot the messengers".It's only "Rabbinical" because there was nothing in the Torah--because it happened after it was written, but it does say in the Torah that we have to listen to the Rabbinical decrees, so even if it's "Rabbinical" it's not "nothing", but the Rabbis can have more say in how we follow it.

Now to answer the OP,
What does HaShem want? He wants you to do your best. The point of Tisha B'av is to feel uncomfortable, to feel miserable, so sounds like you are doing your job. Even with Yom Kippur, the ikkar is fasting, not davening, not doing the "avodah" of the day. I think you need to discuss with your husband how to make these fasts work. My husband is great, but due to personal cheshbonos, which I understand, he's not always around on Tisha b'av or YK--which makes it hard, but we discuss it before hand and plan a strategy--some years I've utilized Tisha B'av camps, on YK we get a babysitter, I often get the Kali Tzom pills--and when your husband is home we work it out so that I can daven or that he can do something to help me, and our finances are super-tight as well. If your husband is caring and understanding you should be able to compromise. If he's "never helpful", then you need to have a completely different talk.

I've heard that after the Churban, chazal thought we should be fasting almost all the time as repentence, but that it was like--when we're not eating we are not performing optimal mitzvos and our middos suffer, so that's why we only fast the one day. But, yea this year Tisha B'av was a nidche it's a lot easier to get a heter in this case--and I believe the next few years--we shouldn't need it, but they will be the same way, so definitely ask a Rav what your obligation is next time.

imasoftov

Mon, Jul 27 2015, 12:27 pm

miami85 wrote:

I've heard that after the Churban, chazal thought we should be fasting almost all the time as repentance

Even the ascetics on Bava Batra 60a were in favor of eating something

Here's the Soncino translation of that Gemara

Our Rabbis taught: When the Temple was destroyed for the second time large numbers in Israel became ascetics, binding themselves neither to eat meat nor to drink wine.

R. Joshua got into conversation with them and said to them: My sons, why do you not eat meat nor drink wine?

They replied: Shall we eat flesh which used to be brought as an offering on the altar, now that this altar is in abeyance? Shall we drink wine which used to be poured as a libation on the altar, but now no longer?

He said to them: If that is so, we should not eat bread either, because the meal offerings have ceased.

They said: [That is so, and] we can manage with fruit.

We should not eat fruit either, [he said,] because there is no longer an offering of firstfruits.

Then we can manage with other fruits [they said].

But, [he said,] we should not drink water, because there is no longer any ceremony of the pouring of water.

To this they could find no answer, so he said to them: My sons, come and listen to me. Not to mourn at all is impossible, because the blow has fallen. To mourn overmuch is also impossible, because we do not impose on the community a hardship which the majority cannot endure, as it is written, Ye are cursed with a curse, yet ye rob me [of the tithe], even this whole nation

Mama Bear

Mon, Jul 27 2015, 12:52 pm

Tips for future fasts: Performance by shaklee (or gatorad), theh vitapasks (or just B12 and multivites), and just take it easy... dont put pressure on yourself or kids.

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