Personal stress affecting work quality

amother

Brunette

Sun, Jul 26 2015, 6:27 pm

Of course we all know about turning moods on and off as needed when transitioning to work or to taking care of your kids or social situations or whatever. But what about when it's just too much and you just can't work up to par because of an overload of stress in the rest of your life?

I work in a helping profession so I am really good at switching gears, but certain things are just too hard. I feel bad enough because of course I entered a helping profession for the sake of the people I want to help, so if I'm not giving 100% I feel bad about that. But I still take a little comfort in that my less-than-100% is still probably better than what many others would do for them (because yes I have seen many people in my profession who are just not that good even at their best) and definitely better than nothing, and I tell myself that tomorrow will be better, and look for ideas on how to make tomorrow better...

But then let's say maybe it isn't, because G-d is throwing one stress after another at you and you're drowning and it's all you can do to get out of bed and show up to work, and then give maybe 80 or 90% instead of 100%...

So then on top of my regular life stress, and on top of the stress about not doing well enough for my own integrity, now I'm also stressed about losing my job because I'm just not doing it well enough.

OK well maybe I wasn't stressed enough about that but it just happened. And I can't think about scraping myself together to look for another one, because I know why, I know what's going on, and I don't know what to do about it.

But I also can't afford to not have a job.

I remember seeing the same dilemma from a different perspective a few years ago. One of my colleagues was going through an impossibly stressful time in her personal life (think severe terrible painful terminal illness of two different family members at the same time.... I think she may have been depressed too - understandably) and I could see her work suffering a lot. She had been an excellent professional before this and certainly losing her job at that stage of life would have been a horrible blow. But on the other hand, the people who were depending on her job were being hurt. So what can you do? I was just glad the decision wasn't mine to make, but it was a horrible position. Of course you need to put the recipients' needs first, but what about the person who was really good at what they do and didn't "deserve" to lose their job?

So now I'm on the other side. I know I am not doing my job well and the recipients are the ones losing out (I do my best that they shouldn't lose out too much... but I know I'm not what I should be) but on the other hand, what should I do - just leave the workforce? Leave my family without an income? I don't feel like I have a choice!

Maybe if I'd just have had the chance for a little while longer I could have pulled myself together, but now just add losing a job to the stress that was already getting to be too much for me, what chance do I have now?

I'm so sad and upset and frustrated. I feel like a loser because I am no good at my job anymore.

amother

Brunette

Sun, Jul 26 2015, 10:37 pm

I'm talking about when it's chronic, when you can be pretty sure it won't be better next month. Or if you think it'll be better next month but G-d keeps throwing you more and more curveballs and it just doesn't get any better. Like my colleague with the ill family member and depression - I worked with her for about a year during that period and it didn't seem to be getting any better, and meanwhile the people she was meant to help were losing out significantly. (I never did find out what happened because I left that job for other personal reasons. But if I were in charge I would have considered whether it would be possible to move her to a more managerial role, so as to keep her employment and dignity but move someone more capable into the direct care position.)

Maybe next month I could do better or maybe not, but for that job it's too late, and it is the middle of the summer and I have no idea how I am going to pay for my kids' next month of day camp that already started and I already committed to. My rent next month is going to have to come out of savings but day camp I signed up for with the assumption that I had this job. This is not a hiring season - in my field there are times that are good for getting hired and certain times that are very dead and now is definitely a dead time.

I was already feeling almost too stressed to function but still trying hard. Now I think I just broke. The fact that I had a job, and that people there were counting on me to do my best, motivated me to keep trying harder. Now I just feel down and out. No job, no income, no self-respect. I feel like such a loser.

amother

Lavender

Mon, Jul 27 2015, 11:21 am

You are not a failure. I would highly recommend jumping back into the workforce and trying again. First of all, life is more stressful without an income. Second of all, maybe the new place will be a better fit and you will be able to do your work in a calmer fashion. Third of all, having a daily structure will likely enhance your self esteem and sense of knowing what to expect from your week. I think that many people go through rough patches at various times in their career and I have certainly been though a number of jobs. For me at least, it has been very helpful to continue plodding away and getting new jobs if the old ones fall through.

amother

Brunette

Tue, Jul 28 2015, 2:54 am

I want to take a couple of weeks off and just give myself the breather that I obviously need. The problem is the money. Without a job, I should really pull my kids out of day camp. The whole reason they were there was because I had a job so needed them cared for and had the means to pay for it. But if I pull them out of camp then I don't get the break I need, having them home to me is more intense than my job was in the first place! And also, now that they are used to camp they will need much more stimulation at home.

I feel so trapped. I feel like my underperformance was my brain saying it needed a break, losing the job was like G-d agreeing I need a break, but now that I have it I don't know how to handle it. How am I supposed to sit back and trust that the camp will somehow get paid for while I try to patch together my mental health? The first thing I want is literally to go get a therapist. Before I was too busy running from home to work to home, obviously if I keep my kids home there goes that idea, but $1000 a month is kind of a lot (and that's with getting off easy because my kids are still young enough for backyard teen-run camp)

I just can't handle this. The faith thing hasn't worked for me in the past. Even with working my hardest we were still barely just maybe not quite making ends meet. I can't imagine things working out well if I take a few weeks off right now. But I need to - not just do it, but believe it. And not just believe it, but get it. I need things to start working out well. It has been just too many months of chronic stress, I can't take it anymore. I don't understand why the stress just keeps on coming with no break. One thing after another, I think there's a book title "when do the good things start?" That's what I want to know. It's not that I don't appreciate the blessings in my life, I'm counting them all the time, but the stress on the other hand is just too overwhelming.

amother

Brunette

Tue, Jul 28 2015, 11:23 am

I know that the same stuff is going to keep causing problems, that's the whole point of my post here! (I know it's hard to tell because I'm in such a state...) But it's nothing that I can just fix just like that. Especially since a portion of my stress is financial, and that definitely is not going to improve without a job, and doing well at the job!

My insurance covers therapy once a week but until now I literally had no time to go for it, also need to find a provider who is a good shidduch. But I know from experience that it is only going to help so far. What caused me to burn out now is a combination of a lot of minor life stresses but just the way they piled up one after another with no break and no time to recover. In the space of about three months, I had a difficult pregnancy, lost the pregnancy and had a hard time recovering from the loss, had a child in middle of undergoing diagnostic procedures and then got a diagnosis for something that B"H is not life threatening but is definitely a big deal and requires long term treatment that I had to immediately get in order, in middle of all this some visiting relatives planned way in advance and not about to cancel - again this is not what you'd consider a life tragedy but it was just stress on top of stress on top of stress - and husband career stress and imagine all that rolling together having an effect on our shalom bayis. Not getting enough sleep because there are just not enough hours in any day to deal with all of this. Feeling depressed because of the pregnancy/loss/period hormone roller coaster in addition to all the stress. Yet not having time to spend on therapy or relaxation or just about anything because life is just dependent on this rhythm of get up - get kids out - get to work - busy at work - leave work - pick up kids - etc. Whatever time I would otherwise have carved out for therapy because it is just that important, was spent on appointments for myself (pregnancy and mis) and for the child (diagnosis and treatment) and jillions and drillions of phone calls about everything.

So yeah I've been stressed and it showed and of course I kept hoping things will lighten up in a few days... a week... a month but they never did, they only got worse. Now maybe things really WILL lighten up but meanwhile I'm a mess and my job is gone and there simply ISN'T another one because things are all set until the next shift in a couple of months. And my expenses have only shot up meanwhile.

amother

Goldenrod

Tue, Jul 28 2015, 1:00 pm

The first thing I would have done is cancelled those relatives. You just lost a pregnancy, you are totally entitled to take it easy. I would say some health issues have come up and you're not up to hosting. But if that is past, it's past.

Is there any position that would be less intense but use your skills and experience, perhaps something administrative and, even better, part time? I would look for something like that.

I don't know if your community has any type of emergency fund, but that might be something to investigate. For instance, there was recently a whole campaign in Lakewood to raise money for day camp scholarships.