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Forum
-> Parenting our children
ckk
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Wed, Jul 29 2015, 7:29 pm
Recently when I tell my DD 6 that I love her, especially if I'm hugging her or after I do something she likes eg make her favorite dinner, she asks me "you love me the best, right?".
I really don't know how to answer her. I would love to just agree with her but she almost definitely will gloat over her younger siblings at a later time that "mommy loves me the best". I tell her that I love all my children the best, but hearing that is just not good enough. She keeps saying, I know you love everyone but I'm extra special in your heart. And then waiting for my confirmation. If I don't confirm she gets a little sad for afew seconds and then goes off to play.
Anyone have a child like this?
Also I know this may sound odd but do kind of understand her. She obviously loves me more than any of her other adult relatives so why should she not expect the same in return...
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momX4
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Wed, Jul 29 2015, 7:33 pm
Make "the best" specific to her. Tell her that she is your best 6 year old girl. Or that she is the best girl in the house that loves this dinner. Make sure she hears you say the same type of love to your other kids.
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chayamiriam
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Wed, Jul 29 2015, 7:33 pm
I always told my children I love you the best but that's our secret just between us!!!
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mommy3b2c
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Wed, Jul 29 2015, 7:37 pm
My kids ask me this. I always answer that I love them all the same. I try to add something special. For example: my oldest, I tell him that he made me become a mommy, and that he'll always be my first baby. He loves to hear it!
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ckk
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Wed, Jul 29 2015, 7:41 pm
momX4 wrote: | Make "the best" specific to her. Tell her that she is your best 6 year old girl. Or that she is the best girl in the house that loves this dinner. Make sure she hears you say the same type of love to your other kids. |
Thank you. I've actually tried doing that but she often insists on hearing it with me excluding the others.
Is it unusual for a kid to be like this?
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ckk
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Wed, Jul 29 2015, 7:42 pm
chayamiriam wrote: | I always told my children I love you the best but that's our secret just between us!!! |
I guess it depends on the kid but I do NOT trust her to keep that secret. Her siblings will hear about it very fast!
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tichellady
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Wed, Jul 29 2015, 9:35 pm
It seems very normal to me. Not sure how you should respond but I wouldn't worry about the question
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HelloG
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Wed, Jul 29 2015, 9:56 pm
my mom used to explain to me that a mothers heart is like a flame and you can always light another match and another one and it won't diminish the Fire. So a mothers heart can love and love and love all her children. No such concept of loving less a child or not enough love. Maybe this is reassuring for her to hear if she's questioning along these lines
Hatzlacha
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imasoftov
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Thu, Jul 30 2015, 1:50 am
Shabbat 10b: Raba b. Mehasia also said in the name of R. Hama b. Goria in Rab's name: A man should never single out one son among his other sons, for on account of the two sela's weight of silk, which Jacob gave Joseph in excess of his other sons, his brothers became jealous of him and the matter resulted in our forefathers' descent into Egypt.
I hope no one is going to give me a hard time for applying this to women and girls, too.
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etky
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Thu, Jul 30 2015, 2:09 am
AmGold wrote: | my mom used to explain to me that a mothers heart is like a flame and you can always light another match and another one and it won't diminish the Fire. So a mothers heart can love and love and love all her children. No such concept of loving less a child or not enough love. Maybe this is reassuring for her to hear if she's questioning along these lines
Hatzlacha |
This. It's important for them to hear that the love for one child does not detract from a mother's love for her other children.
However, I think that OP's DD really wants to hear that she is special to her mother.
I always told my kids that my love for each of them is different. That each evokes a slightly different nuance of love since different chords in my neshama respond to their very different personalities. As no two children are the same so a parents love for each child is not identical to the love for his/hers other children. There is no such thing as 'generic' parental love. You can explain that quantitatively the love for each child is the same but each love is a specially woven fabric of its own created by the special chemistry between the parent and the distinctive individual that each child is.
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chavs
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Thu, Jul 30 2015, 2:15 am
Every child needs to be special to their parent and at the same time it's important not to play favourites.
Your dd sounds extremely normal just in need of some reassurance.
It's actually really easy to do this even though it seems tricky. If my kids ask me if I love them the same I tell them that I could never love them the same because they are so different and each so special, I sit the child who asked down and say, "how could I love anyone like I love you? You are my only 7 year old girl, the only girl with your specific giggle and your specific love of animals. You are the only one who gives the kind of cuddles that you do and who has your smile. No one sings just like you and I love listening to you sing etc etc".
I continue until the child grows tired and runs off to play but I see that time as extremely important. The child is asking to connect with me and to be special to me and the truth is that each of my kids are special to me in their own way and that I don't love them the same because they are different ppl.
I don't mention their siblings during this and if they bring up their siblings I make a boundary that right now I want to talk about them.
If a sibling comes in during I take that child aside after child a has run of and proceed to tell them why they are so special to me.
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