Explaining divorce to young children...?

amother

Cerise

Wed, Jul 29 2015, 2:27 pm

B"H this is not about us.

My kids do have a few friends with divorced parents and if/ when it's come up in the past I just mentioned that their parents don't live together and changed the subject.

But my cousin (whose kids my kids have a nice relationship with despite living in different cities) divorced about 2 years ago already and I just never mentioned it to my kids at all because why bother when they live far away? The kids come in town to visit only with one parent and my children never even noticed it was strange.

But it came up the other day and my son (almost 9) was very inquisitive about it. I told him that his cousins have 2 houses now, sometimes they stay with their mommy and sometimes with their tatty. "Why? Why? Why?" my son kept pushing. I told him that sometimes grown ups decide they don't want to be married to each other any more.

Well, not only did this not sufficiently answer his question, but he seems so perturbed by it. I can see the wheels turning... like, wow, people can just decide not to be married anymore? What if my mommy and tatty decide not to be married anymore?

What is the RIGHT way to address this topic? I mean, he's not even 9 yet and not particularly mature by any means. Complicated adult relationships isn't something I really want to get into with a kid like this. On the other hand I don't want him to feel afraid and insecure about our family. I feel I should have said more. But what???

Chayalle

Wed, Jul 29 2015, 3:22 pm

This reminds me of a conversation my niece had with my sister during my engagement. She was 6 and had a friend whose parents were divorced. She was so excited with the puffy gown she was to wear to my wedding, that she told my sister she loves wearing it, and in addition to my wedding, if my sister gets divorced (ch"v!) and remarried she will wear it to her wedding too.

Needless to say, sis had to explain to her that divorce is sad, and that B"H it was not happening in their family.

Your son asking questions is very healthy - much better than letting worries fester into anxiety. Good for you for realizing that he needs a full explanation.

You can tell your son that sadly, in some families the Totty and Mommy (or whatever you call them) don't stay married and they get divorced. There are many reasons for this and we don't know exactly why (good time to teach them about minding their own business) but it could be because they don't get along for one reason or another. Assure him that you and your husband are staying together and are happy, etc....

Learning

Wed, Jul 29 2015, 6:08 pm

My dd is 10 and she heard about divorce already. There are more than few divorced friends and neibours. I don't remember if she even asked me. I think she read about divorce in a children's book about a girl that has divorced parents as far as I remember and I'm sure she read about it in many books and heard about it a lot of times.

happymummy1

Wed, Jul 29 2015, 7:24 pm

amother wrote:

I tell my kids that it means the parents don't like each other anymore and don't live together, and that it's a terrible thing, a big chas v'shalom. I know that in many cases people need to divorce ... but I still myself view it as a big chas v'shalom.

I believe that your intentions are coming from a good place but I think this is an awful thing to say and a massive generalisation. I am divorced and though I think its important not to scare children and give them the impression that divorce is ok, I think there are other ways of explaining divorce. Each situation is so different and to say that the parents don't like each other anymore is not always the case. I certainly don't not like my ex. Life is complicated.

I would say to a child that usually mummies and daddies are married, but sometimes it's very hard for them to live together and so they decide that the best thing to do will be to each live in a different house. I would also reassure that child that their mother and father love each other very much and divorce is not some thing they need to worry about.

Surely you can reassure your child without making it look like the divorced couple have done something terribly wrong. Yes, divorce is an awful thing to happen, and no one would wish it upon themselves, but for a myriad of reasons, far beyond simply not liking each other, sometimes people need to get divorced. Hashem has given us that option for when there is no other solution. May you never ever need to understand being in such a situation. Obviously I would only expect you to explain divorce to your child in simplistic terms, but there are other simple ways to explain divorce and your comment really hurt me.

ora_43

Thu, Jul 30 2015, 6:38 am

Iymnok wrote:

My issue would be the idea of if you're not happy, just get divorced. I want my child to understand from early on that relationships can be hard and require effort, they don't happen themselves.

And if you explain divorce as "sometimes parents just decide not to be married anymore" (which is how a relative tried explaining divorce to my kids), or even "sometimes parents don't get along," it can lead kids to feel like relationships just break apart out of nowhere, and that their parents could split up the next time they argue. Or for no reason at all.

I think it's a tough balance (between not insulting divorced people, and not making kids feel like divorce happens at random). I like Chayelle's approach.