"need" a place for Shabbos/meals?

amother

Papaya

Thu, Jul 30 2015, 10:21 pm

Please don't take this as a judgment or anything, I really want to understand.

I have a number of unmarried friends who post on facebook looking for hosts or guests for Shabbos and yomtov meals. None of them live in my area so I'm not personally part of the hosting/guesting scene.

I 100% understand not wanting to spend Shabbos/yomtov alone. I 100% understand preferring to spend it with others. And I 1000% understand that when people reach out first to invite you, it makes you feel wanted and noticed and all that kind of good stuff. I am absolutely in favor of singles joining families or other singles for meals, and reaching out to request invitations if they don't come automatically.

What I'm looking to understand is the stress involved. These friends often seem stressed out about the need to arrange all their meals. They worry if they don't have a host. This post was triggered by one friend who posted a heartfelt plea describing how hard it is to keep doing this.

I don't get it - if it's that stressful, why not just have a meal at home? Of course not every meal, every week, but why the distress if you don't have a host for one meal? Is it a disaster to eat one meal once in a while at home by yourself?

I don't want to sound callous but I'm really mystified. I remember in seminary once in a while I'd get fed up with arranging hosts for myself and just make my own meal. Usually with a friend - but there's a difference between asking a friend "hey I'm doing my own little Shabbos meal in the dorm this week, want to join?" or "Does anyone else not have a place for Shabbos yet?" as opposed to looking for someone else to invite yourself to. What a sad existence to be so dependent on others that you "need" invitations and getting them is such a source of stress. These are adult professionals capable of living independently.

Note I am not arguing the point that it would be nice for friends and neighbors to invite these people. I just wonder why the singles feel such pressure to "find meals."

amother

Papaya

Thu, Jul 30 2015, 10:33 pm

I do understand that being alone for Shabbos can be depressing, what is making me ask is that it seems that arranging not to be alone is just as depressing. I realize the lonesomeness is nothing like seminary, but I'm imagining that what worked for me in seminary might apply here - I.e. arrange Shabbos out as much as possible, and when you get burned out from doing that take a break. Also, they generally don't seem to be talking about being alone all Shabbos, just for one meal at a time (based on facebook posts like "eating Shabbos night in Katamon, anyone near there can have me for lunch?")

But no I haven't been in that situation, which is why I'm asking.

amother

Crimson

Thu, Jul 30 2015, 10:55 pm

Yes, even being alone for one Shabbos meal because you are single when you don't want to be or alone because no one invited you can be very sad and depressing. For some. So if someone seems stressed that they don't have plans to go out, and they would otherwise be alone, assume that is the case. Otherwise they would probably not be stressing.
It's not a trend, please don't make light of it.

Sake

Thu, Jul 30 2015, 11:03 pm

How do you know it's not a trend (I know it's not trending).. I was a girl once and I have 5, I do notice that when one girl stresses other tend to empathize and commiserate.

I also know how bad and hard and painful loneliness is. But true loneliness is not induced by one Meal or day when you would rather not be on your own. To me if your disposition is to truly suffer if you can't be in company, you should perhaps find a family to live with.

amother

Brown

Thu, Jul 30 2015, 11:26 pm

I'm bound to get flamed for this, but I honestly believe that this is just one more manifestation of the plague of entitlement. Of course people should invite me, I'm young and single! I can't be bothered and mustn't be expected to make Shabbos on my own! The world owes me a living! The community owes me Shabbos meals!

Phooey on that. Nobody owes you anything. Stand on your own two feet. It'll serve you well when you finally grow up, if you ever do. It can't be all take and take and take; sometimes you have to give back. Don't know how to cook? Take lessons or buy ready-made or frozen. Nobody ever died from eating a deli sandwich for Shabbos dinner, either, unless maybe it had been sitting for half a day in a black bag on the dashboard of a car parked in the sun in the middle of a summer heat wave. Instead of scrounging around for someone, anyone, to host you for a meal, man up and invite some guests of your own, or collaborate with a few other singles on a potluck.

When I was single, I fully expected to, and did, make Shabbos myself every week. I invited friends over all the time, but didn't panic if I spent a Shabbos alone. And I don't panic at the prospect of spending a Shabbos alone now, either. I could invite myself to people, but prefer to leave that for shaas hadchak, such as being delayed for hours in a fogged-in airport, so instead of getting home half a day before Shabbos I get back with less than an hour to spare. This, or having the power go out, or the fridge die, are all valid reasons to call for help. "I had a rough week and don't feel like cooking", or "I'm single so I deserve it", are not.

amother

Papaya

Fri, Jul 31 2015, 12:18 am

Except I know these people, they are friends, they are so not the entitlement type. (They are also not so young.) I think it is more of a loneliness thing. But still, my thought is that if you dislike groveling for meals that much, then maybe making your own is preferable.

I dunno, if they lived closer to me then maybe I could help more with the social life, but as it is I'm more of an observer here.

amother

Brown

Fri, Jul 31 2015, 1:23 am

naturalmom5 wrote:

Brown
Not a flame but do you wAnt a medal or monument
Bronze or concrete

thanks for the offer, but nobody deserves a medal just for fulfilling the basic expectations of a job. the problem is that OP's friends aren't fulfilling the basic expectations of adulthood. being able to make Shabbos yourself is one of them.

See, OP emphasized that these people claim to "need" Shabbos meals. There are people who really do need meals. Out of towners staying in a hotel in the business district with no facilities for making Shabbos, for example. But it's kind of nervy to claim to "need" meals when what they mean is they want meals. But maybe that's also a symptom of immaturity, being unable to tell the difference between needs and wants.

DrMom

Fri, Jul 31 2015, 1:33 am

amother wrote:

Kind of harsh, but I agree with you.

If you didn't receive an invitation (whicb is always nice) and don't want to be spend shabbat on your own, invite over some single friends and enjoy shabbat together. Single people aren't invalids.

zaq

Fri, Jul 31 2015, 1:35 am

amother wrote:

if you dislike groveling for meals that much, then maybe making your own is preferable.

.

You would think.
But maybe they don't actually dislike the groveling. Maybe they get off on all the so-called stress. Maybe they have the quaint idea that being "stressed" is a badge of honor, implying that they are productive, important and in demand (omg I am SO BUSY I don't even have time to eat, let alone cook! Make Shabbos? Fuhgedaboudit! I'm lucky if I can find the time to nuke instant coffee! Know anyone who can have me for a meal?), whereas being relaxed and having time for everything means you're a dweeb.

grace413

Fri, Jul 31 2015, 3:20 am

I was single and living on my own for many years. At first the idea of being alone for Shabbat was depressing. I went away, I invited people. When a Shabbat came with nowhere to go and nobody to invite, I was very nervous. Guess what - I came to enjoy it.

This was back in the old days when I worked 6 days a week. It was nice to go to sleep in my own bed early Friday night, go to shul Shabbat morning, eat a nice lunch and have plenty of time to nap.

It's not a bad idea for people to enjoy being alone now and then.

I also invited (gasp!) families with children to me for Shabbat meals. I even bought a few toys to have around for the kids. They were happy to come.

Sadie

Fri, Jul 31 2015, 3:31 am

I "needed" shabbos meals when I was single for over 2 years and living in Jerusalem.
One time I was an au pair for a non-frum family so I had to hustle every week to find something to do, either that or eat alone in my room while the kids' TV blared outside.
One time I lived in a very dark airless basement apartment and it was very depressing to eat there alone. I was too embarrassed to host.
One time I lived in a tiny studio where the "dining room table" was a 1ftX1ft piece of wood that pulled down from the wall of the tiny tiny kitchen that two people could barely fit in, so no hosting there. I didn't mind eating alone there so much because it was pretty and full of natural light but it was lonely.
Shabbos is a time to be with family and many of us don't have family where we live so we NEED other Jews to treat us like family one day a week. Sometimes families from my shul invited me and a lot of times other young single people would host group meals.
It was very stressful for me if I got to the middle of the week without having something set up. Now being married and making shabbos at home most of the time, it's much more work and expense, but it feels so much better to think "what will we do/make for shabbos" instead of thinking "will I be alone again?"
There are shabbos host/guest FB groups for people in this situation. I've made some very good friends being hosted by strangers. If this type of culture doesn't interest you/apply to you then you can ignore the requests, which are often directed at people in similar situations.

Frumdoc

Fri, Jul 31 2015, 4:37 am

I spent a year where I had to go out or stay in my (free but gross) hospital accommodation where I had a room that barely held a small Israeli sized single bed and a desk.

No cooking facilities (shared with 20 other students, all non jewish with a penchant for bacon), no living room that wasn't dominated by a large TV. Couldn't even light shabbos candles due to the fire regulations. I lived on cereal and fruit during the week as I couldn't cook anything at all.

That was horrible, and I hustled to get away for shabbos, even if it was to friends with student houses who were slightly more shomrei shabbat.

Maybe some of these people are in difficult shares with less accomodating people who won't allow a shabbos meal to ruin their chill out day. Maybe for some of these people shabbat is the only time they get to socialise and they choose to do it this way. Maybe it is a habit, maybe it is an assumption.

When I lived in katamon, I did about 50/50 meals at home or potluck with other singles and meals at families, but they were generally families I knew, I was never comfortable with the find a stranger to eat at concept. Most of my friends were similar, but some were like this.

My friends who are still single and live there would cry with laughter if you suggested they should stop hosting and go to some random stranger to eat with, but they are older - late 30s.

Maybe it is a younger phase people grow out of?

amother

Natural

Fri, Jul 31 2015, 6:53 am

I wish I knew some singles that NEEDED a place to go for shabbos. We moved to a new community recently, never get invited anywhere and when we extend invitations it seems that people are scheduled out 6 weeks in advance. Even though we are a family and not exactly lonely if nobody comes, I love having guests. Where do I find these singles in my community??? When I go to shul it seems like nothing but families.