"need" a place for Shabbos/meals?

amother

Ecru

Fri, Jul 31 2015, 2:52 pm

My dd made Aliyah and lives alone She at times goes to friends and at tines makes meals. Tomorrow she is making a meal for five people , one whom she knows the rest responded to her Facebook posts about inviting people for a meal
Tonight she was home alone. About an hour ago I saw that she was on Facebook. It must be hard to be home alone with no one else and nothing to do.
Inviting people keeps them connected to friends family and religion

Talya

Fri, Jul 31 2015, 3:08 pm

amother wrote:

Rather than travelers being more deserving say they are more needy because when you travel there are limitations on luggage. I can't pack everything I need to make shabbos. I also may not have time or the ability to get what I need for a traditional Shabbos.

We have done Shabbos in hotel rooms bringing everything. This only works when traveling by car.

or when thete is a local take out. A deli sandwitch for a shabbos seudah is no more appropriate for a single than for a family. You may see your need AZ more urgent because it is you but you are still no more deserving of being hosted in that situation than a single who may even have a kitchen is.

Kiwi13

Fri, Jul 31 2015, 3:27 pm

I haven't read all of the replies but I spent a few years as a single in a community that was very family-oriented. I was far away from family and while I had a few friends in town it really wasn't the sort of environment where singles regularly organzed their own meals. Mainly because there were just a handful of singles in the area, ranging in age from young 20s to 60s+.

There were wonderful families in town who hosted singles every week. I was very grateful to have invitations virtually any time I wanted/needed. Spending shabbos alone was very lonely for me, and going out for meals was a wonderful way to spend at least a few hours with other people.

There was one family in particular who I became very close with. I had a standing invitation with them and I joined them for a meal almost every week. They became a "home away from home" and I loved feeling like I was part of their family.

To respond to the "entitlement" comments, I didn't take them for granted and I understood that this was not a "right". It also wasn't pleasant to just show up to families' homes just to eat and leave. With this one family, after we became close enough to feel more comfortable, I used to arrive early and help set the table and watch the children, etc. during the meal I helped serve and afterwards I helped clean up.

People who host singles on shabbos and holidays do a wonderful chesed and it is often needed (and appreciated) more than they know. Especially the ones who make people feel at home and a part of things.

amother

Violet

Fri, Jul 31 2015, 4:34 pm

simchat wrote:

I didn`t read the whole thread, so my point of view might already have been mentioned, but as a single, I lived in Isreal for a couple of months with a roommate. Well one day my friend bailed on me and for a few weeks I did shabbos alone. In the beginning I was happy to have my space, eat what I wanted etc. But trust me, if you`re eating alone, it means being alone all night after and then all morning and then another solitary meal followed by a whole afternoon of just me and my book. I didn`t know anyone in the area at all and am not a shul-goer and it was cold out. By the end of that first shabbos, I wanted to throw my book out the window and howl at the moon, I was so restless.

Just a point to ponder - If someone living alone has no company for meals to break up the day, a whole shabbos with nothing to do other than read and maybe go for a walk, can be excruciatingly boring.

As an introvert who hosts lots of company, I have to say that a whole shabbos with a book and a long walk sounds amazing.

But we invite single friends, and we try very hard to make it clear that we want their company, not that we consider them chesed cases.

amother

Slateblue

Fri, Jul 31 2015, 7:51 pm

Talya wrote:

Even in dorm rooms without kitchen we were able to organize shabbos. It is easier when you have a permanent space. Carrying everything needed for shabbos is a lot more complicated than picking up deli.

Travelers needs are different than singles because of logistics of getting all the stuff for sudas. Travelers are no more deserving than singles but they have real limitations. Singles without kitchen even can make a hot meal for shabbos. They choose not to. I think that wad the point of this thread.

Frumdoc

Sat, Aug 01 2015, 8:04 pm

amother wrote:

I have lived in situations where it was not possible to buy or make a seuda when single, and either sat in a lonely room eating all bran or went to stay with strangers. As an introvert, staying with people I didn't know was v hard, but less so than sitting in a room alone with no hot food and no one to speak to for 25 hours, singing shabbos zemiros to myself. I did it when I had to, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

My opinion, FWIW, is that the loneliness and isolation of eating alone (and effectively spending you whole shabbos alone) is far worse than the need for fancy meals, and people are generally asking for company and companionship rather than calories and gormet food.

But it is much harder to admit that you are lonely (to yourself and others) so requests for meals are one way to disguise that.

Some young couples may struggle to spend so much time alone over shabbos so going out for meals alleviates some of that newly wed or not getting along stress. We used to have a young couple regularly who were unable to have a meal alone together as they had real issues, and went out for every single meal, after much work they sadly divorced, but at least we provided them with some time out and support. They were an extreme, but many newlyweds find the idea of spending shabbos alone quite intimidating.

I personally consider the idea of having an open table for all comers and welcoming singles, marrieds and anyone in need is a real chesed, and much more important than having multi course fancy meals and keeping up with whoever.

amother

Slateblue

Sat, Aug 01 2015, 10:37 pm

Frumdoc wrote:

Your situation is not the common situation. I don't understand why you could only have bran. Was there no other food you could eat? What did you eat weekdays? Most singles have facilities that they can feed themselves more than bran. They have plates, cups, silverware and a table etc. A traveler doesn't have these things with them.

Again, I am not saying travelers are more deserving but the logistics of bringing the stuff on an airplane can be difficult. I once went away for Pesach and my grape juice got confiscated at the airport. It was in my checked luggage.

amother

Pearl

Sat, Aug 01 2015, 10:50 pm

amother wrote:

It sounds like she's describing a r3sidency program that gave free housing so not necessarily living with Jewish people or with kitchen accommodations (besides hospital cafeteria).Dunno for sure but that's impression I got. And I buy that stuff when I'm traveling you can too. You can't but comraderie though. And that's more important than the food.

amother

Brown

Sat, Aug 01 2015, 11:10 pm

Talya wrote:

I meant places where there are no kosher facilities and you don't have the luxury of buying a deli sandwich. not Brooklyn where there are more kosher eateries than the entire rest of the world except Israel put together. Let me assure you that if you that if you were sent to a conference in downtown Kansas City, let's say, you dashed well would NEED an invitation for Shabbos, and not just for a meal, because nobody lives downtown where the hotels are and there are zero, count 'em zero, places to get kosher food in the area. Also zero places to daven. Not to mention that most hotel rooms have electronic locks these days so even if you did have a shul to go to, you couldn't get back in your room till after Shabbos. Are you aware that there are many places in this country where you can't even buy a loaf of bread or container of yogurt because they sell regional brands that have no hechsher? And if all you have to buy food is a small convenience store, you might not even be able to buy much in the way of junk food for the same reason? You could plan ahead and pack a jar of peanut butter, a jar of jam. a couple of cans of tuna and a can opener, and a couple of sacks of pita bread in your suitcase, and make kiddush on a Coke from the convenience store. You wouldn't starve, but get real. A deli sandwich would be a heimish feast if you could get it, but YOU CAN'T. Such a person NEEDS an invite regardless of marital status.

belovedaz

Sat, Aug 01 2015, 11:18 pm

I just want to say that I can sympathize with singles who don't like eating alone cuz it's boring even though I've bh never been in that situation. As a young married wife I hated shalosh seudos cuz my husband stayed in shul to eat and I usually stayed home alone unless it was nice enough to go on a 30 min walk to my parents. Those meals were really lonely and my husband tried to come home every few weeks to help me out of this rut. Inviting friends was always hard cuz most had kids and could x push a carriage over to me. Now that I have kids bh I relish that time alone when they are already in bed and I can eat and then read something before Shabbos leaves and the cleaning begins.

cooksallday

Sat, Aug 01 2015, 11:36 pm

As a recently married baalas teshuva, I definitely have compassion for singles looking for meals. It wasn't long ago when I was looking for shabbos meals every week. I did have the option of staying home, but my family wasn't shomer shabbos so it wasn't the best situation. I agree that noone married or single should feel entitled to a meal, but it is hard being single and not having a family to spend shabbos by. If one is able to cook for shabbos, then great, but if they cant, they shouldnt be judged for that.. I remember the pain and anxiety trying to find meals, and finding places to sleep since I didn't live in a frum area.... Anyways, bh I am married now, and so happy to be able to cook and stay home. We try often to have our single friends over for meals or even just to have a place to hang out on long summer shabbos afternoons, and think they do appreciate it. I know I would have appreciated it if someone else had me back in the day.

amother

Lawngreen

Sat, Aug 01 2015, 11:36 pm

amother wrote:

I've traveled lots of times to places without kosher food for shabbos. I've either brought stuff on the plane or if I had time I would make do with what they have in the local grocery. Vacation or travel is an adventure and I think the average person can make do without heimish feasts for one weekend. But being stuck alone with no family week after week can be soul crushing.

amother

Slateblue

Sat, Aug 01 2015, 11:47 pm

amother wrote:

I can buy stuff but I can't buy a proper Shabbos. It is too difficult to bring a crockpot and a blech on a plane. DH is only comfortable with a traditional Shabbos. When I travel by car I can bring every single item I need including a collapsible vase for flowers. I have traveling candlesticks, traveling washcup, traveling havdollah set, traveling kiddish cup, traveling tablecloth, microwaves, crockpot, blech, etc.

How do you keep food hot?

amother

Papaya

Sun, Aug 02 2015, 12:22 am

OP here thanking you for sharing your experiences and viewpoints. For those who wondered, I really was just trying to understand. I think I do now. Obviously I didn't just want to ask the friend (ok you're right more of an acquaintance) "If it's so stressful to find meals why don't you just take a break and eat at home?" I feel that would be very insensitive.

And just for the other side of the coin, I don't think you should be judging married people who invite themselves for meals either. OK if they do it every single week then they probably need to work things out better, but you don't know what kind of crises may be going on in their personal lives that may make them feel desperate one week. Life doesn't get any less complicated when you're married. You might say it gets less lonely, but how do you know, maybe she's in an abusive marriage and she knows that he will behave himself if they're in someone else's house and not in their own...

oliveoil

Sun, Aug 02 2015, 2:03 am

amother wrote:

I can buy stuff but I can't buy a proper Shabbos. It is too difficult to bring a crockpot and a blech on a plane. DH is only comfortable with a traditional Shabbos.

Then it sounds like you need to either plan your vacations for during the week and be home again for Shabbos, or take driving distance vacations.

Honestly, you sound like a petulant child.

Here's the big difference - you are choosing to go on vacation (a choice and a luxury) and putting yourself in a position where you feel you "need" to invite yourself. A lonely single is not choosing to be so.

MagentaYenta

Sun, Aug 02 2015, 2:09 am

amother wrote:

Seriously you schlep microwaves? Not that there is anything wrong with that (my best Jerry Seinfeld voice) but isn't multiple microwaves a bit much to pack in a car?

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Aug 02 2015, 4:27 am

oliveoil wrote:

Firstly, we travel for reasons other than vacation. Secondly, the invitations to meals are always offered by the host through friends or we know people and we tell them we are visiting. I don't know how to contact random strangers to ask for hospitality. I wouldn't intrude on someone by asking even if I did.

Why does it upset you that we accept invitations? Should we turn down people that ask for our company and say to please host lonely singles instead?

Frumdoc

Sun, Aug 02 2015, 6:09 am

amother wrote:

1. I was living in hospital accommodation, as posted above, with no fridge, no room for a fridge and not allowed any cooking equipment in my room due to fire regs. As I said, iI couldn't even light shabbos candles and benched licht on the ceiling light.

2. I could have had a different cereal, but all bran was my cereal of choice that year, and that is what I ate during the week too. All bran and fresh fruit and the occasional tin of tuna, no it was not healthy but there really wasn't a choice (except between that and a bacon sandwich or Macdonalds). I lived miles away from a jewish community, shop or shul, way beyond walking distance, and even the nearest community didn't have a deli or fast food shop. Would it have been more shabbosdik to have cheerios and does that make you feel better? Believe it or not, some of us have lived outside the regular frum areas, not necessarily from choice.

3. Yes, it was extreme, I am illustrating the limitations that can be in effect for some singles, that show how much a meal out can mean.

4. I find your attitude towards singles really quite obnoxious. I hope you don't do shidduchim for older singles as you don't seem to understand much about the lifestyle and issues.