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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
Is it OK for my almost 6 year old to wear pants?



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amother
Chartreuse


 

Post Tue, Aug 04 2015, 6:56 am
My daughter who is going into first grade wears skirts to camp and school but I was wondering if it's considered ok to put her in pants on off days. We are modern and so are all of our friends, who put their girls in pants as well. However, my husbands family is very frum and may not approve of seeing my daughter in pants. I am a BT, so I grew up wearing pants, so putting my daughter in skirts all the time feels a little weird. However, she is going into first grade, so maybe this is the age to stop wearing pants? I have no idea how this works. I am so confused. On one hand, she's only 6, but on the other hand, my in-laws probably won't approve. I don't really know what to do. Any advice on how others dress their young girls is greatly appreciated.
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Notsobusy




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 04 2015, 7:01 am
It's one of those things where it really depends on your community. You say your friends daughters also wear pants, so then I would think it's fine for your daughter. If you really think it will bother your inlaws, you can put a skirt on her before you spend time with them.
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Ima2NYM_LTR




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 04 2015, 7:07 am
You need to do whats right for your family, not whats right for your neighbors or for random women on Imamother.

There will be people who respond "absolutely not. How can you ever teach her to be tznius if you let her war pants?"
There will be people who worry about what you will do to her precious neshama by even thinking about it.
There will be people who tell you to allow her to wear pants- why not
There will be dozens of other responses.

In the end, it has to be whats right for her. Which boils down to the following questions:

1) Does she want to wear pants ?
2) never mind- there is no number 2

There isnt "what will Mr Cohen down the street say", or "Will the Golds not eat in my house" or "What if Mrs. Berg wont let her kids play with mine any more"

There is only "What can I do to make sure my child feels comfortable with who she is" and if that includes pants- go for it.
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Tue, Aug 04 2015, 7:08 am
glutenless wrote:
It's one of those things where it really depends on your community. You say your friends daughters also wear pants, so then I would think it's fine for your daughter. If you really think it will bother your inlaws, you can put a skirt on her before you spend time with them.


This. But if you don't wear pants and intend at some age to not let them wear pants, I would think it's a lot easier to just stop now and not have this be an argument later when they're older.
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animeme




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 04 2015, 7:09 am
6 is an age a lot of people use for things like this. Another is 9, but for pants many people use six because it coincides with first grade, which really is a natural point for something like this- "Big girl", and the like.

That being said, it is an individual decision for each family, each immediate family. You need to have a discussion with your husband, speak to your rav as needed, and decide. Then, you can figure out how to explain or not explain to family and/or community, as needed.

Note: It also may not be a final decision. If you guys aren't sure, you can make a decision for now, and decide to revisit it later.
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 04 2015, 7:16 am
As others have said, it completely depends on a few things. You should not have to dress your child based on your in laws. As another poster said, make sure she wears a skirt when visiting them. Other than that, just do what you feel comfortable with.
Here, my daughter goes to a religious public school (we are in Israel) and so they are still allowed to wear pants in first grade.
I know that I wore pants until I myself wanted to stop. But you do whatever it is that YOU and your husband feel is right for your family, not anyone else. And I would think ask your daughter what she would like, if you are that kind of family. I think thats also a great idea, to involve your daughter in the decision as well.
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33055




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 04 2015, 7:16 am
What do the other girls on the school do? If all the other girls are in skirts and your daughter is in pants this could cause some social isolation for her.

Do you wear pants?
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tigerwife




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 04 2015, 7:27 am
5-6 is a bit of a transitional age. Where I come from, it's the age where girls stop wearing short sleeves or anklets.

But it really depends on your community. I don't think it's fair to make a child very different than her peers, though you did say your friends' kids do the same. Does the school have any rules?
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lfab




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 04 2015, 7:48 am
Does the school have rules about what is allowed and what is not? We try to follow the school rules as a minimum. Some things we don't do even though the school allows but if school says not allowed then we don't allow either. For example my daughter's school says sleeves must be at least a cap sleeve (no sleeveless) so last year when she entered pre-1a we stopped putting on sleeveless but we still allow her to wear short sleeves. We decided to follow school as it's confusing for a child to understand why something is allowed at home but not in school.
It also depends what's accepted and the standard in your community. If most other girls her age will be wearing pants continue to let her wear them, as long as it doesn't bother you. If she will be only one of a few girls wearing it then now might be a good time to stop. If you allow pants but want to respect family then have her wear a skirt when visiting with them.
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kb




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 04 2015, 8:05 am
Ima2NYM_LTR wrote:
You need to do whats right for your family, not whats right for your neighbors or for random women on Imamother.

There will be people who respond "absolutely not. How can you ever teach her to be tznius if you let her war pants?"
There will be people who worry about what you will do to her precious neshama by even thinking about it.
There will be people who tell you to allow her to wear pants- why not
There will be dozens of other responses.

In the end, it has to be whats right for her. Which boils down to the following questions:

1) Does she want to wear pants ?
2) never mind- there is no number 2

There isnt "what will Mr Cohen down the street say", or "Will the Golds not eat in my house" or "What if Mrs. Berg wont let her kids play with mine any more"

There is only "What can I do to make sure my child feels comfortable with who she is" and if that includes pants- go for it.


I agree with everything you wrote, except that it boils down to "does my six year olds want to wear pants". Not everything a six year old wants to do is the right answer. If she wanted to go to school in a bikini, it would be too bad. I'm not saying whether or not op should dress a six year old in pants. I am saying that there's more to the decision than what her daughter wants.
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Ima2NYM_LTR




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 04 2015, 8:13 am
kb wrote:
I agree with everything you wrote, except that it boils down to "does my six year olds want to wear pants". Not everything a six year old wants to do is the right answer. If she wanted to go to school in a bikini, it would be too bad. I'm not saying whether or not op should dress a six year old in pants. I am saying that there's more to the decision than what her daughter wants.


Agreed. There are times that the parents know better than the child, because kids don't always make the best decisions.

I was only addressing this specific situation.
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Amarante




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 04 2015, 8:13 am
If your community puts girls in pants and you and your DH don't see it as a problem, then there is your answer.

Do the IL's live so close that they interact with your children all the time because otherwise it's very easy for children to understand that they dress up to visit grandparents.

Also I think many children have school uniforms that don't permit pants and so are easily able to distinguish situations in which one wears skirts/dresses and which one wears pants.

There would appear to be other issues that might need to be handled since your husband apparently has chosen to be LWMO and his parents are stricter frum. Wouldn't pants just be a smaller symbol of how your nuclear family is differentiating from your DH's family?

ETA - As long as the OP is okay with her daughter wearing pants, it would seem like there is no problem letting the daughter decide what to wear based on what her peers are doing. If she is playing with other little girls in her neighborhood/social circle who are wearing pants and she wants to wear pants like them, why shouldn't it be her decision. If the OP decides that pants are not to be worn, then obviously it's a different dynamic in which one explains to the girl why she can't do something even if her friend does it.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 04 2015, 8:18 am
If all her friends wear pants, there shouldn't be a problem. If it bothers your in laws, just don't put her on pants when she is going to visit or be with them. It's an easy mitzvah to make someone happy.

For example: tank tops really bother my mil. when we are visiting her, I put my boys on sleeves. It's really simple.
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