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Anxiety/Worry in a four year old



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amother
Bronze


 

Post Wed, Aug 05 2015, 12:42 pm
Thanks for taking the time to read this.

My son is aged 4. I suffer from anxiety however never show any fear in front of him, and push myself so much out of my comfort zone in order for him to have an exciting fun upbringing without limitations and worry. However, I have been told by my DR that anxiety is hereditary. Already from around a year ago, aged 3, my son showed fear, eg tummy aches and feeling sick. He couldn't quite express what it was but I understood. Yes most situations were normal eg before swimming, although I'd say his anxiety levels were slightly higher than normal, like his mother!

A sad point for me recently was when I really went out of my comfort zone and took him to a concert. I starting having panic attacks because of the claustrophobia there, and I looked over at him and saw him shivering and shaking and visibly very nervous. Turns out we were both anxious at the same time, albeit for different reasons (him probably becuase he was scared of a clown!) but my heart breaks for him and I really hope this is something that passes. We have conversations the whole time about this and we are very open and try to talk things through with him.

His latest fear is being alone in a room. He says he thinks of bad things, usually an animal or scary character from book/film etc He follows me around the house and if I ask him to get something from another room eg his shoes, he asks me to come with him, or to go to toilet, he doesn't like to go alone. If I insist he goes alone, he asks me to give him ideas of what to think about so that he doesn't have these scary thoughts. He does this at bedtime too. He asks me to give him things to think about so that he doesn't think about scary things. So I usually start a story or mention butterflies and fairies and that calms him down/distracts him.

Does this ring alarm bells or sound worrying? Or just as I said, increased levels of anxiety? My Husband said as a child, he was also scared to be alone in some parts of the house so maybe these things are ok?

I spoke to the DR about getting a psychologist involved but he said that this can be more detrimental as it alerts the child to the fact that they are different and may have a problem, when this is something normal that they will hopefully overcome with age.

What do you think, any experience with this? What is the best attitude/response to this being alone issue, do I give in and accompany him, do I talk him through things and try and explain that he should not have to worry, do I gently push him to be brave and go alone?

Thanks for your time!
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amother
Cerulean


 

Post Wed, Aug 05 2015, 1:07 pm
One place to start might be to avoid having him watch movies/shows with a scary bad guy. If I'm reading my son a book that has a scary character, I improvise. We also avoid showing movies/shows that have scary themes, music, etc.

When my son turned 2 we actually taught him how to do deep breathing.
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Wed, Aug 05 2015, 1:10 pm
Thanks but almost any story/movie can be turned into a negative with him. He reads so much.

Funny you mention the breathing because I'd forgotten, and we've taught this to him too.
We use it more when he needs to calm down and is a bit wild we say do some deep breathing!
But most situations don't get to this level ie that he's physically suffering, it's usually just the thoughts.
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 05 2015, 2:30 pm
Was it sudden onset from one day to the next?
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Wed, Aug 05 2015, 2:45 pm
No, it's come gradually and changes as he grow. It was not sudden for me either. I have memories of anxiety from age 4 approx.
My Husband believes that my very proper upbringing is a cause for me but I disagree, and I am so relaxed and the easy going with my kids.
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 05 2015, 2:54 pm
It could be hereditary. But in any case, there's a great kids book called what to do when you worry too much, a kid's guide to overcoming anxiety, by Dawn Huebner, a clinical psychologist.
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 05 2015, 6:21 pm
I don't understand why taking a kid to a therapist would make them think they have a problem. Especially not at 4. OK if you start therapy when they're 10 then they might get the wrong idea, but at 4 in my experience kids don't think twice. Half their friends are in some kind of therapy or another anyway, and they think of it as fun extra adult attention. How could it hurt a kid to learn how to release tension and cope with fears? Especially since mom is not fully capable of being a role model here (no judgment OP. We all look for help with those things that are difficult or out of reach for us, whether it's cleaning the bathroom or teaching handwriting or processing fears.)
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amother
Babyblue


 

Post Wed, Aug 05 2015, 7:12 pm
DH has general anxiety, but he also had a emotionally void childhood.

DD (age 5) definitely shows signs of anxiety. I think there's a personality/tendency/genetics but a big part of is is the upbringing - how it is dealt with. As a parent, your job is to give him the tools to handle his emotions, whatever and however that is done.

I started reading The Fear Fix by Sara Chana Radcliffe which I like very much. She has a straightforward, practical style which I like. According to her, the first step is to just accept the emotion. Don't try to reassure, don't try to offer solutions, don't try to brush it away. Reflect the emotion back to the child and pause. Let the child process. For some children, this might be enough. I would imagine your son would need more, but I haven't read that far yet. She does present different options that would work in different scenarios, etc.

If you are seeing a therapist for your anxiety, why don't you bring this up?

REgarding what your husband said - all people - adults and children - experience anxiety at times. The question is to what degree and does it interfere with life.
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amother
Gold


 

Post Thu, Aug 06 2015, 5:09 am
Yes, you should bring him to a therapist. I have two daughters with anxiety and they both showed it from a very young age (my husband has it too, not me). I was their main caregiver and they certainly weren't picking up anything extra from me nor were they experiencing an "emotional void". Definitely hereditary and definitely helped by the therapy. They also didn't find anything weird about going to a therapist. We just called her a feelings doctor that helped us understand how we felt about things etc and that since these feelings were private we didn't talk about this with anybody (and even the doctor wasn't allowed to).
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