Why do you have children?

amother

Cyan

Thu, Aug 06 2015, 8:42 pm

I really don't know why I had kids-- meaning I had kids and got married young bec "it was the thing to do"
I do love my kids wen they are small and cute but now the older ones --I do care for them--I never want them to be in pain or...but I think that bec I have to work so so hard in my stressful job just to pay rent tuition and food -- I think that takes away from my feelings of ????
Meaning that I'm never going to quit the job I hate bec. I know my responsibility is to provide for them-- but I'm overwhelmed and no!! I don't need therapy !! I just would love to speak to a rav as to the proper Jewish thoughts regarding all my responsibilities regarding taking care of my children...bec. School never really focused on that --the problem is the rav whos understanding never has time bec hes so good at advising...I hope I'm not confusing anyone but I never really thought about this until my children are older which is now and I am also turned off that schools are not really caring about my children bec my children are bullied and administration doesn't want to address it so I have no other school to send them so I can't keep my children"safe and I can't homeschool--
I also think in my circles and family the relatives pop kids out every 1 to 2 years and its expected -- I am on BC and will not be like them but I feel I'm looked down for it and I see firsthand that my relatives never treat me as a person except the first few weeks after my baby is born and then ONLY MY CHILDREN ARE IMPORTANT TO THEM --I know that hashem would not ""say that I don't count anymore just bec I had kids so all this is confusing --

The most confusing is that I'm expected to go to simchas --weddings...BUT LITTLE KIDS CANT SIT AT MEALS AND CHUPPAS/SPEECHES ...so its so overwhelming for me to work full time and take my children to simchas..and ...so I thought especially relatives who don't believe in BC should admit my first priority is my children so then maybe I can't come to the simcha after working a full day..
Anyone want to clarify the drum hashkafa and contradictions by ppl. Feel free to post!!

mille

Thu, Aug 06 2015, 8:47 pm

amother wrote:

Yay! I was beginning to think I was the only one embarrassed

We want kids, at some point. We want to first enjoy some time as just the two of us, put money in savings and I want to finish school. Also, I married young (I'm still young!) and I simply wasn't and still am not ready for the responsibilities of motherhood. With Gods help, at the right time, we will have kids but for right now we're content just us.

You're totally not alone! A good chunk of my closest friends (probably so close in part because of this!) are waiting to have kids. I totally understand. When I first got married, I was sooooo not ready for that type of responsibility. I have little experience with kids, and the thought was too terrifying. I am glad that I've had several years to adjust my mindset and priorities before beginning my life as a mom!

Enjoy your time with your husband!! Don't let anyone pressure you! When our parents began putting the pressure on, I'd joke that the more they nag, the longer it'll take! LOL

imaima

Fri, Aug 07 2015, 6:34 am

amother wrote:

I totally agree with many many things you say ( well all of them).

saw50st8

Fri, Aug 07 2015, 7:27 am

mille wrote:

I don't! Not yet at least! Why? Because we didn't want any kids yet. Because we can afford the luxury of birth control and enjoy a dual-income no-kids start to our wonderful marriage. Because you can never go back, once you have kids you'll always be parents, and we wanted to enjoy that time before it's gone forever.

And we'll have kids when we want them, and when we can bring them into the world with joy and happiness.

We waited a few years before having kids and it was fantastic. We saved up money, traveled, enjoyed life...

Then we had our kids back to back to back to back. That's also awesome. I always tell people, having kids is the greatest thing in the world, just make sure you are really ready for life to change drastically.

amother

Ivory

Fri, Aug 07 2015, 9:30 am

Fiveboyz wrote:

My situation is very complicated. I never thought I would find myself speaking these words. Each of my kids are destroying me and they purposely hurt me. Why did I have kids? Good questions my life is an experiment gone awry. It makes me so sad!

I feel bad for you that your life didn't work out the way you wanted to, but do you know the ramifications of hating your child? I was and still am hated. It messed me up for life big time, even if they never showed it outright. And if you ask my mom, she will tell you that I am hurting her every day too.

If you chose to have kids (and five of them nonetheless) it is your responsibility to learn to show them love. Do it for yourself and do it for your precious children.

-spoken as an unloved child still in pain

amother

Mint

Fri, Aug 07 2015, 10:19 am

amother wrote:

I'm not going to disagree and say you need therapy...but so much of your post indicates that you sure would benefit from therapy.

As someone who is blessed to have an awesome therapist in my life, not because I was falling apart but because I wanted to grow and get a handle on some areas of my life....I kind of look at it the same way you express that you wish your Rav had more time....

I found at a certain point in my life that I needed more of a mentor, but a Rav of course doesn't have that time, they have so many community responsibilities. I started seeing a therapist who is also a role model to me - older, wiser, and someone I look up to in my circles who is also a very competent therapist.

She has been able to advise me very effectively in so many areas - Hashkafa, raising my children (any bullying or school issues that have come up, she's advised me how to help my kids), my self-esteem, my relationship with my family....all of these issues you mention are the type that I would get advice from her on.

Sometimes if you want to make progress in certain areas, you get what you pay for.

amother

Cyan

Fri, Aug 07 2015, 3:32 pm

To mint, I wrote that post and while I do agree I may benefit from someone who would be able to guide me in the proper hashkafa and maybe that someone could be a therapist, I dont have any time or energy for a therapist bec. I am always there for my children--as I said I feel the responsibility to always be there for them and yes! while I do need a break--the reason I dont go out that much in the evenings and rarely go out is bec. I get up very early to commute to work

I take public trans. to save money for tuition so I know that by trying to go to sleep earlier --I wont be as sleep lacking in work which makes me have a better day at an already stressful job and this also makes my immune system work better bec. I dont want to get sick ...
so yes!! I guesss your advice would be good if only I had the time and if only I could find someone very frum who gets her hashkafa from daas torah bec. the reason I said I wanted to go to the rav is bec. I wanted to know I am doing/thinking the right thing and this rav would be daas torah