I need some reasonable rules here

amother

Maroon

Fri, Aug 21 2015, 10:34 am

My four year old is getting pretty independent and can fix himself simple snacks, and in fact prefers to "do it by myself". It's nice that he can take care of himself that way, especially with a toddler and a newborn around. But some things have been getting out of hand. Like, he will go for the fruit, and take a bite out of three peaches before he finds the juciest one. Or he will eat two yogurts, and then there's not enough yogurt left for the rest of us. He will eat an entire container of berries in one sitting. I am not worried about junk because I keep it hidden and it only comes out for Shabbos. I'm just talking about regular food. I am not worried about weight (he's actually underweight even though he eats a lot) but more about courtesy. Like not eating all the yogurt and leaving none for anyone else. And once you bite into something, it's yours. Also, I dont want him snacking too close to meal times. But on the other hand, I'm not sure I like the idea of making him ask permission to take something. It's his home too, he should be allowed to grab something from the fridge. And there's nothing wrong with eating one yogurt that happens to be the last one. Someone's going to eat it eventually. Not to mention, I do want to encourage the independence. But the current free for all is not working either. What are some reasonable, balanced rules I could implement?

Chayalle

Fri, Aug 21 2015, 10:42 am

I definitely have certain house rules for my DD (she's 7 now) even though she's an independent soul and I encourage that. I don't think it's a contradiction to ask for permission at that age before taking food (by themselves).

For example, my DD knows that she may have a snack (from certain choices) when she comes home from school, so she doesn't have to ask there. But when she takes something from the fridge she will ask - Can I have a yogurt? At other times that she wants a snack she will ask, because if it's right before supper I might say no. And she definitely knows the rule that "the one you touch is the one you are getting" - and she takes ONE fruit and doesn't get another until that one is finished.

Independence has to go with boundaries. He can take X, Y, and Z but not A....he can take only one of X at a time, then ask permission...there are times when he can have X but other times he has to wait.....etc...Boundaries and Independence are both equally important to teach a child. You can't have one without the other.

imasinger

Fri, Aug 21 2015, 1:12 pm

You're right on target, OP. It's about courtesy and living together as a family.

Absolutely make a rule about asking you every time. Who is arguing otherwise? DH? Smarty pants kid?

Yes, it's his house and his food, too, but he lacks the experience to know that you can't take one bite out of several peaches, wasting the rest, and the motor skills to add "yogurt" to the shopping list when needed. So, he has to check in until you are sure he has learned the complexities.

The way you encourage independence is by remnding him of the appropriate procedure (only one peach, choose carefully; how many yogurts are left?; how close to dinner is it?). And by letting him take and clean up for himself.

When he asks, you have the chance to review which bracha is the right one. At his age, this is often helpful.

B'teiavon!

Lalu

Fri, Aug 21 2015, 4:16 pm

Another option would be to have a small bag or container, with appropriate treats in it. You could label the container with his name, and make a 'big deal' about how he is a big boy and the treats that he may have during the day will be placed in the bag. Make sure to review guidelines, and even role play appropriate and inappropriate examples of selecting a treat out of their bag. They did not eat any other food in the refrig. - only what was in their bag. Based upon my experience, this provided my children with the opportunity to eat when they were hungry - based upon their hunger levels. Of course my youngest would eat his entire bag of 'snacks' (apple, orange, baby carrots and a yogurt) before lunch - but this only lasted for a week. Allowing the child to make the decision to eat or not out of the snack bag helped them into their adult lives. Just another option Smile