3 year-old tormenting baby

miami85

Tue, Aug 25 2015, 6:35 pm

What do I do? My 3 y/o just became extremely jealous of the baby. I know it's a "phase" but he's deliberately hurting her and always bothering her and taking toys away from her. He has told me that we should take her back to the hospital. I try giving him lots of attention, but he wants "all" of it. Help!

alrl13

Tue, Aug 25 2015, 7:22 pm

Like you said the best thing to do is to give him lots of attention when he is behaving. But if he hurts the baby or bothers her that's an automatic timeout or take away one of his toys etc. When you do this though you need to be as calm as possible bc you don't want to reinforce his negative behavior by responding dramatically or with a lot of anger. Kids always love the attention and entertainment part of a parents reaction when they misbehave and that could reinforce the misbehavior.

And then give the baby a lot of positive attention and hugs and kisses without focusing on his behavior.

Last edited by alrl13 on Tue, Aug 25 2015, 7:23 pm; edited 1 time in total

ginevraweasley

Tue, Aug 25 2015, 7:22 pm

Have you tried positive reinforcement? When you see him being gentle with the baby, or playing quietly by himself when you are busy with the baby, you should praise and reward him. Don't try to use negative feedback for when he mistreats the baby (giving him more attention--that's what he wants and you are just reinforcing the bad behavior). Do you use time-out?

I'm not actually a parent but that's what I learned from Supernanny. LOL.

chavs

Tue, Aug 25 2015, 7:30 pm

I'd suggest reading Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish it's a great book. Until you get it or read it, make sure you validate his feelings and let him talk so when he says that he wants to take the baby back you can say something like "having a baby in the house is really difficult " or something similar. Don't deny him his feelings, make sure you hear him and mirror them back to him. If he hurts the baby tell him that he can't hurt the baby but you can invite him to make you a picture about how he feels about the baby instead or tell you how he feels etc.

Last edited by chavs on Wed, Aug 26 2015, 4:54 am; edited 1 time in total

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Aug 25 2015, 7:53 pm

Right.

While you are sorting him out, do not permit him to stress the baby or you will have one nutty daughter to deal with and your sure don't need that. You will. This is brutal treatment that affects character for a lifetime. Makes them fearful, skittish, inward, passive and evasive. She is a

BABY.

Take care of it.

Your son needs some guidance, obviously, but he does not need a twitchy sister. She will be his sister forever, and someday may even be his burden, when you are gone, and she needs him to run interference for her.

Nobody needs this. You describe ongoing aggressing toward her. This not only won't do her any good, it won't do him any either, long term.

Nor of course you, and your marriage.

So first, S T O P THE BEHAVIOR.

Just take him IMMEDIATELY AND FORCIBLY IF KINDLY BUT DIRECTLY AWAY FROM HER. Leave her in the other room with a pacifier and a toy, and simply keep them physically apart.

You might as well level with him that she is part of the family, isn't going back to the hospital, and will be a nice person some day. He is your dear boy and always will be.

Every single time. Quickly. She is better off being alone a few minutes until he calms down and gets the point, than being actively aggressed against.

It's a word: N.O.

amother

Slateblue

Tue, Aug 25 2015, 9:26 pm

I just found a parenting book that I LOVE. It's called Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey. I highly recommend reading it, but the short version of what she recommends for something like this (which I have tried for the same situation and REALLY WORKED!) is to attribute positive intent and then assertively tell the child what TO DO. So it would go something like this: "You wanted to touch the baby. You may not hit. Hitting hurts. To touch the baby, take your hand (hold his hand with yours and do it with him) and rub her feet gently." Something like that... Basically, instead of telling them what NOT to do, you tell them what they CAN do.

Empathy for his feelings is definitely called for too.

amother

Gray

Tue, Aug 25 2015, 10:01 pm

Talk to the baby within your son's earshot about how amazing your son is.
Tons of positive stuff. Like "Baby, did you know your brother (name) can build the most amazing lego towers?" "Baby, I know you want to be big like your brother but you're just a baby. He can put his pants on all by himself." "Baby, did you know I am so proud of your brother? He can sing all the words of shema all by himself. I know you wish you could too but you're too little. You need to grow bigger like your brother." "Baby, your brother is such a good helper/ mitzvah boy. He picked up his trucks and put them back in the toybox before I could count to 10. Wow."