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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
Why are middos less important than sports? Vent



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amother
Gray


 

Post Mon, Aug 31 2015, 2:12 pm
Two of my boys went to a local day camp, one got a sports trophy that is a nice gold statuette. The other was best in middos and got an award and a plactic toy that promptly broke.
My son is upset and I agree that middos are way more impthan than sports and the trophy should go for middos.
I called the director and mentioned very politely and boy did I get blasted that I am speaking nonsense and he has no time for this.
I guess this shows me why this camp values sports more than middos.
How sad.
Anon bec I discussed this with ppl irl.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 31 2015, 2:22 pm
I'm really sorry. You know, there's a whole controversy in the world at large about trophies and sports, since so many little leagues give them out to all participants. Which I think is great, we're not raising our kids to be sports heroes. Call them what they are, mementoes, and leave it at that.
But in this case, your camp did choose to recognize sports achievement. What exactly was that sports achievement?
And is your camp connected to a school? Because if so I would speak to the principal and vaad hachinuch.
Congratulate your son on winning an award for middos. Let him know that how he handles this will really be the test of whether he deserved to win it. And treat him to something that he'll enjoy and use, so when he sees it he'll have positive associations. Whether or not he will always get recognition for his good decisions and growth should not be the major motivators. He has to know for himself, deep down, and that should go a long way in helping him continue to grow.
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amother
Gray


 

Post Mon, Aug 31 2015, 3:35 pm
No the school is not connected, however the director knows my son. My son is only 7 and is rightfully upset especially because he is a very sensory kid w difficulty in self regulation. So for him to get best in middos took tremendous work and effort. We made a huge deal out of his good middos award .
I was also extremely upset that I was berated and told my concerns made no sense. That sports gets trophies and middos gets a prize. But a trophy is much more than a prize.
Sigh
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 31 2015, 3:41 pm
amother wrote:
No the school is not connected, however the director knows my son. My son is only 7 and is rightfully upset especially because he is a very sensory kid w difficulty in self regulation. So for him to get best in middos took tremendous work and effort. We made a huge deal out of his good middos award .
I was also extremely upset that I was berated and told my concerns made no sense. That sports gets trophies and middos gets a prize. But a trophy is much more than a prize.
Sigh


Guess I'm a mother of girls, not boys, so....what's so good about a trophy? My girls would probably rather go for the prize....though it's a shame it was of such awesome quality that it broke....
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amother
Gray


 

Post Mon, Aug 31 2015, 4:06 pm
A gold trophy on the mantle vs a plastic toy that they get every week. .... they also make a big deal in camp about trophies.
In this place they are very big on giving kids loads of prizes ( that's a whole nother issue) so the prizes end up not meaning much, unfortunately.
It's the attitude that bothers me the most
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 31 2015, 4:12 pm
It could be that middos is a conciliatory gesture. "You're not good enough for a trophy, so we'll give you the "middos award" so you won't feel too bad". But really they view it as a nothing.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 31 2015, 4:27 pm
amother wrote:
No the school is not connected, however the director knows my son. My son is only 7 and is rightfully upset especially because he is a very sensory kid w difficulty in self regulation. So for him to get best in middos took tremendous work and effort. We made a huge deal out of his good middos award .
I was also extremely upset that I was berated and told my concerns made no sense. That sports gets trophies and middos gets a prize. But a trophy is much more than a prize.
Sigh


Well, this may not make much a difference to him to know that some anonymous woman miles away is so proud of him but I am.
And hats off to you too for good parenting.
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gold21




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 31 2015, 4:33 pm
Middos isn't a competitive sport, so...

I don't think one would need to get a trophy to validate being best in middos- since that's really a subjective point of view- can u really prove that ur son is best in Middos? It's not a competitive sport- it's a lifestyle.
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amother
Gray


 

Post Mon, Aug 31 2015, 4:49 pm
Thank you pink fridge I needed to hear that!
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Miri7




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 31 2015, 5:39 pm
Order that boy his much-deserved trophy! You can get a nice simple trophy for a few dollars and have the little plaque engraved and everything. Give it to him and tell him that DH and you are very proud of him and thought his accomplishment should be properly recognized.

I have ordered team trophies from crown awards. They are fast and inexpensive and have models that have a star or cup shape that isn't specific to sports.
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amother
Gray


 

Post Mon, Aug 31 2015, 6:28 pm
Great idea miri!
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imasoftov




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 01 2015, 8:12 am
I see the OP's point, but a person with truly good midos wouldn't mind ...
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 01 2015, 8:45 am
I've also found that your reaction as a parent can matter alot. What YOU say to your son about the prize vs. trophy is what matters.

You can say something like - yeah, I know, everyone makes such a big deal about the trophy but at the end of the day there's not much you can do with it other than display it and let it sit on the shelf....similarly, being good at sports is not what will get you far in life. However you my dear son - with your good middos you will get far!

Funny - was recently shmoozing with a relative whose son is an absolute sweetheart - always has been. The kind of boy who is caring, smiling, and holding the door open for you, and asking how he can help.....She was sharing that he's not so good at sports, which is apparently really tough for a boy. I was like, just wait till he gets to shidduchim, honey. You will have a stack of resumes piled to your ceiling, because loads of girls want a DH like your son will be. People know, they recognize goodness like that.

Let your son know that middos is what really counts. As he goes thru life, it's what gets you places...not the trophy on the shelf.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 01 2015, 9:09 am
quote="imasoftov"]I see the OP's point, but a person with truly good midos wouldn't mind ...[/quote]

He's a little boy.
And we're all works in progress. I hope that 10 years from now I'll look back at some things going on now and have a totally different nekudas habechira.
And OP, it just registered that both your boys won something. Tread carefully so that your sports star can enjoy his trophy. Talk about the importance of maintaining health, and that you hope that when he plays he knows that how you play the game really does matter. (I don't know how the camp runs, maybe they're out for blood there. Don't guilt him, just give him food for thought for the future.) There's a story that Rabbi Krohn tells and I think a video has circulated about it, about a kid named Shai who may have been special needs, don't remember exactly, and he was put on one baseball team and made by both teams to feel like a rock star. Really nice story.
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Barbara




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 01 2015, 9:26 am
--

Last edited by Barbara on Wed, Sep 09 2015, 3:41 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 01 2015, 9:32 am
PinkFridge wrote:
And OP, it just registered that both your boys won something. Tread carefully so that your sports star can enjoy his trophy. Talk about the importance of maintaining health, and that you hope that when he plays he knows that how you play the game really does matter. (I don't know how the camp runs, maybe they're out for blood there. Don't guilt him, just give him food for thought for the future.) There's a story that Rabbi Krohn tells and I think a video has circulated about it, about a kid named Shai who may have been special needs, don't remember exactly, and he was put on one baseball team and made by both teams to feel like a rock star. Really nice story.


This.

Once heard in a parenting class, that the point of celebrating external successes (such as a sports trophy) is to teach us to be aware of our internal successes. Working at sports can help your son develop inner resources such as discipline, diligence, team-work, and endurance. It's our job as parents to point these lessons out to our children so that they internalize the fact that it's their inner development that counts.

So you can say to that son that Wow! You worked hard for that trophy, and now you have developed inner discipline that will enable you to work hard on other things too. You have the strength to apply that same discipline to your studies! You were part of a team, and you learned social skills and how to work well with others! etc....
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amother
Gray


 

Post Tue, Sep 01 2015, 12:23 pm
I'm very proud of both boys and made that very clear, nor did I convince my son that his middos prize was worthless. He kept pointing out how his brother got the trophy while he didnt. I explained that we are super proud of him even without the trophy, and continue on point out when he controls himself and behaves w middos (something very hard for him). The kids get far too many prizes, imo, so the prize for middos doesn't mean much to him. But they never got trophies, so to him it means more.
I called the grandparents the share the nachas about the middos prize, and the sports prize so both boys know they did well.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 01 2015, 2:40 pm
Trophy to all? shock just don't give one
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 01 2015, 6:36 pm
amother wrote:
I'm very proud of both boys and made that very clear, nor did I convince my son that his middos prize was worthless. He kept pointing out how his brother got the trophy while he didnt. I explained that we are super proud of him even without the trophy, and continue on point out when he controls himself and behaves w middos (something very hard for him). The kids get far too many prizes, imo, so the prize for middos doesn't mean much to him. But they never got trophies, so to him it means more.
I called the grandparents the share the nachas about the middos prize, and the sports prize so both boys know they did well.


This post doesn't surprise me, I'm sure you would do it well. (And Barbara, baruch shekivanti, we pretty much cross-posted.) I didn't want you to think that I wasn't giving your athlete his due though.
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amother
Gray


 

Post Tue, Sep 01 2015, 7:39 pm
Thanks PF and chayalle for ur nice and supportive posts.
My reply was more about Barbara wondering about the impt of the trophy.
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