Severe school anxiety -8 grader refuses to go to school

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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling

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DF79

Mon, Aug 31 2015, 6:34 pm

Has anyone dealt with this? Severe anxiety where the child will feel nauseous and sick at the thought of going to school . He missed half of 7th grade. Now 8th grade . School started 3 days ago and he is too nervous to go. Please help with any ideas or suggestions

amother

White

Mon, Aug 31 2015, 6:37 pm

What have you done so far to try and figure out why he is so anxious about school?

newmother

Mon, Aug 31 2015, 6:46 pm

Has he been to a therapist?

FranticFrummie

Mon, Aug 31 2015, 6:50 pm

I had to do this with DD, and pull her out of 6th grade last year. We're in Israel now, and she's repeating 6th. I told her that this year she could just "coast" and try to absorb as much as possible, focusing on language.

Your son definitely needs to talk to a therapist, and get to the bottom of his anxiety. CBT therapy is very good for getting quick results - much faster than plain "talk" therapy.

amother

Bronze

Mon, Aug 31 2015, 6:53 pm

I hope you are not from Israel. If you are, this can be very severe. If not, it can still be a sign of abuse. Bring him to an evaluation in either case.

Dolly Welsh

Mon, Aug 31 2015, 8:18 pm

And, just because he is home, does not mean he cannot learn. Get a list of what they are studying and work on it with him, cheerfully. It does not matter WHERE he learns as long as he learns. Be positive about the whole thing.

But do figure out why.

It is true not everybody does well in institutional settings. There are people whose jobs all their lives involve being in the field and in some degree of isolation. But any problems need to be examined as noted above.

good times

Mon, Aug 31 2015, 8:24 pm

is it only school anxiety or is he suddenly anxious about other things as well?

Bruria

Mon, Aug 31 2015, 10:49 pm

How about switching schools or even homeschooling?
If he feels sick just by thinking about it, time to at least switch schools.He could be being bullied by other kids or even teachers, who knows.
Whatever it is, talk to him, see if he opens up to you or even if he has suggestions of his own on how to deal with this, after all , he is in 8th grade already.
Make sure to listen to whatever he has to say and give him the support he needs.

amother

Gold

Tue, Sep 01 2015, 2:53 am

Definitely take him to a therapist.. try to figure out what is the problem and switch schools if necessary.

When he was a child, DH refused to go to school. At that time, he was unable to express why. Years later, looking back, he recognizes that the school environment was crazy. Although he was not specifically targeted, there was rampant physical/verbal/s-xual abuse going on. BH he ended up changing schools but the whole battle of wills between himself and his parents was traumatizing.

Wishing you and your son clarity and hatzlacha.

DF79

Tue, Sep 01 2015, 9:43 am

Here's some relevant background: I am separated for almost two years and going through a difficult divorce. The relationship between my son and his fatger was never good, but worsened after the separation. Last year he was threatened by his father routinely with police involvement, foster care, mental institutions, etc., and told he wouldn't even be allowed to live with me. At the time he was living with his father 50% of the time and started avoiding school when he was with him. At some point it became apparent you everyone that it was unhealthy for him too continue to live with his father and he's now with me full time. He's improved dramatically in so many ways since then, but school has become a major source of anxiety for him. Toward the end of last year he was avoiding school altogether and at some point he was avoiding leaving the home too. I created an incentive that helped get him back to school for rebbe time the last few weeks of the school year and I prepped him for his secular studies finals and he took them at home. He went to sleepaway camp for the full summer, a place where he thrived in past years. It was a struggle for him this summer but he managed to stick it out. He's supposed to be starting 8th grade this year, which is treated as a transitional year in his school and I believe that the change is adding to his anxiety. He seems determined to get to school, but as soon as we start to head out in the morning he's overcome and feels physically Ill. The last two days I persuaded him to get closer to school and this morning we parked down the block from school and he agreed to walk to the corner before coming back to the car and going home.

good times

Tue, Sep 01 2015, 11:26 am

If his anxiety is not allowing him to live his life, you should take him to a doctor and put him on a low dose of anxiety medication and see if that helps. I had a similar situation with one of my children who suddenly didn't want to go to school or go to friends homes and other things that he normally was fine with or even enjoyed. In our case there was nothing traumatic to pin point it to. We took him in for therapy but honestly the little bit of medicine helped him tremendously. The medicine took the edge off the anxiety while he worked it out with a therapist on what to do when he was scared. I feel like if a child can't function it's time to get medical help. you will be amazed at the difference it makes! Good luck! I hope he feels better soon!

Sadie

Tue, Sep 01 2015, 11:34 am

I stopped going to school in 7th grade because I was being bullied. I did not tell my parents about it. Changed schools for 8th grade and was much happier.

DF79

Tue, Sep 01 2015, 4:13 pm

He is on medication for anxiety among other things .... I guess we should just pray at this point ? Sad

JMM-uc

Tue, Sep 01 2015, 4:24 pm

DF79 wrote:

He is on medication for anxiety among other things .... I guess we should just pray at this point ? Sad

Just a side note -

Ironically some anxiety medication can make the anxiety much much worse. Maybe it's the medication causing this?

good times

Tue, Sep 01 2015, 5:09 pm

DF79 wrote:

He is on medication for anxiety among other things .... I guess we should just pray at this point ? Sad

maybe he had a growth spurt and the dosage is not correct. another idea is to go out just with him and see if you can have a heart to heart and see whether there is something tangible that is bother him and go from there.

ruby slippers

Tue, Sep 01 2015, 5:43 pm

Is he seeing a therapist? I am not one, but from my initial read of your post it sounds like he is afraid to leave you, because you have saved him from an abusive father. he may have a fear that his father will come take him away as he had threatened him before.

May your family have a speedy refuah.

musicmom

Tue, Sep 01 2015, 5:57 pm

It sounds like 8th grade is a big transition and is evoking a lot of anxiety in your son. I think if you enroll him in a study skills course or other basic courses for how to organize notes and to do lists and things, these techniques can help him to calm down and know what to do when all the new information and coursework comes his way. Also, even though he is older, could you do a reward/ incentive type of thing towards a weekly movie or a daily game night or something he would want to work for? Sounds like he values special time with his mom, so something you would do together would be great.

Mommy3.5

Tue, Sep 01 2015, 7:12 pm

I think you need to look into intensive therapy, if he isn't getting it already. Your ex husband can use his truancy against you, its really important he try to get there. And that he gets all the help he needs. Hatzlacha.

oliveoil

Tue, Sep 01 2015, 10:25 pm

Sometimes short term intensive therapy can work really well with these immediate important extreme situations.

I know a kid who was a year or two younger than your son and also developed extreme anxiety about school. She didn't go for several months, refused to be out of sight of her mother, and there was also no clear "trigger." But a few months of weekly (occasionally twice-weekly) therapy with the therapist and her mother changed her life dramatically. She is now a different child entirely.

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