14 yr old told me something shocking. how do I handle this

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Aquamarine

Wed, Oct 07 2015, 6:37 am

not to worry, I wont
.
I spoke to my daughter over yomtov. a few points
She says when she was young and before she knew of the concept when she would picture getting married, it was always with a female, and then she would try to correct herself but it wouldn't help.
she says she doesn't really know what she is but she thinks she is not straight. she has s-xual feelings to certain ppl but only if she knows them and likes them as a person too. so no attraction just from looking at a hot photo of someone.
she keeps her distance from those girls.
don't yell at me but I still have my doubts. one of my reasons is because she also revealed to me that there is an element in the class that keep arguing with teachers and bringing up the topic and very pro gay rights. then there is the internet issue and her exposure to stories of ppl who came out and all that. I'm still wondering how much of this is an internet and societal influence. I believe there are ppl who are truly gay out there but I also believe a large portion of them could have not been gay if not indoctrinated by society that it's normal and all.

I am confused by her attitude to the whole concept. It's as if she has no problem with the idea that she might be gay but more of a problem with my and everyone elses potential non acceptance of it. She is ready to give up yidishkeit if it turns out she might be gay. I feel that there is a lack of maturity in her attitude. She said she was prepared to come out to her friends but didn't because of me. I feel like she seems completely unaware of the ramifications within a frum community like ours if she were to do that and I talked her out of it. at least till she is older and sure of where she stands.
Now she has been acting like everything is ok and normal simply because she told me and like nothing is wrong or changed. I have to pretend to do the same but I'm finding it so difficult. I can't get it out of my head, I can't look at her the same way.
I suggested she speaks to a therapist about her feelings and she agreed but I don't know where to start looking while remaining anonymous within my own community. I can't talk to ppl about this. I don't live in america.
my husband has sensed there is something wrong and was upset I wasn't telling him what is going on but I really can't tell him at this stage.

is it safe for me to write here that I'm terrified without people jumping down my throat telling me to calm down? As far as my daughter can tell I'm fine. I'm pretty good at maintaining a calm exterior while I'm screaming inside.

byisrael

Wed, Oct 07 2015, 7:08 am

Where do you live?
Maybe we can give you referrals...

I'd assume any frum therapist who deals with teenager should be able to help. You could get referalls from friends for a good therapist for teens and speak to the therapist about the specifics- they are bound laws of confidentiality so it won't get around...
I also think you should get a therapist for yourself and your husband (when you tell him)...

imasoftov

Wed, Oct 07 2015, 7:09 am

amother wrote:

I believe there are ppl who are truly gay out there but I also believe a large portion of them could have not been gay if not indoctrinated by society that it's normal and all.

I'm not yelling at you - I'm asking in a conversational tone of voice how you acquired this belief.

amother

Aquamarine

Wed, Oct 07 2015, 7:15 am

By my own exposure to the secular world and the internet. That is how I acquired that belief

amother

Coffee

Wed, Oct 07 2015, 7:19 am

Many researchers believe many (if not most) people's s-xuality is not binary, but on a continuum. I agree with OP that more people would focus on and develop the degree of heterosexuality they do have, if being gay or bi wasn't made out to sound so cool.

amother

Seafoam

Wed, Oct 07 2015, 7:49 am

Expressing a feeling is different from having a word for it... I would want to know where (who...) she heard it. Unless she has media access fully. Then it's from there probably.

imasoftov

Wed, Oct 07 2015, 7:56 am

Aquamarine amother wrote:

By my own exposure to the secular world and the internet. That is how I acquired that belief

What did you encounter in the secular world that lead to this conclusion? Have you talked to a lot of gay people, as well as people who once thought they were but changed their mind?

And what did you find on the internet?

I personally have no opinion about this or even an idea for how I might go about gathering information to get one.

sneakermom

Wed, Oct 07 2015, 8:09 am

I think social media can definitely influence an impressionable teenager.

I also know that sometimes teenagers fool around with classmates of the same gender. Sometimes a kid with a stronger personality will come onto another kid who might not be strong enough to stop it. This can open up a pandora box if feelings and confusions.

amother

Taupe

Wed, Oct 07 2015, 8:18 am

OP I know exactly how you feel Sad

In a certain sense I have been mourning since my DD revealed her bi-sxuality to me over four years ago.
I also agree with you completely about the role of society in s-xual identity.
If a person in somewhere in the middle of the spectrum they can choose to leave part of their s-xuality latent their entire life and develop the other, hetero-s-xual part. In previous eras this is exactly what many people did. Now modern society encourages exploration and frowns on repression. That would be fine and dandy if we also didn't live with one foot or even more in the frum world where this is still not considered an acceptable lifestyle. It is a very difficult predicament.
On a brighter note, I also spoke with my DD over yuntif. She does not live at home this year and we used the time to have some heart to heart talks. She told me that she would like to start dating. She has a number of friends who have started dating and one or two have even gotten serious very recently. I perceive a change in her. I can sense that she wants to try to be normative now whereas when she was younger she was more into this 'alternative' identity. It's part of growing up and realizing the weight of the issue. I hope so much that it works out for her. The dating process has many many pitfalls and she can end up being hurt and retreating from the whole thing.
OP, your DD is much younger and in a different stage of growing up. Sounds like she's in the beginning of the adolescent rebellious stage.
There are no guarantees, for my DD or yours, but take heart that maturation plays a part in this. The way she is now is not how she will be in four or five years time.

BrachaBatya

Wed, Oct 07 2015, 8:26 am

Being gay or bi is very "in" right now in the mainstream media.

I largely think that people are born with gay tendencies. The media and outside influences may shift them one way or another to some degree, but I think it's just science and biology at its core. Many gay and bi people state they "knew" at an early age. It doesn't make anyone less of a good person. I admire people who are honest about themselves.

Love your child the same. Let her be on her own journey with your unconditional love and support. It will be okay.

amother

Babypink

Wed, Oct 07 2015, 10:08 pm

There are days when my unemployed husband is so grating on my nerves I fantasize about being a lesbian... ;-)

amother

Aquamarine

Thu, Oct 08 2015, 10:13 pm

I need something to say to her to prevent her from doing anything rash before she is old enough to properly make a decision about the direction she wants her life to go in.
If she was to "come out" now, there is no coming back from that. Even if she changes her mind later on she will always have a name.
I don't think she understand the magnitude of the impact this will have on her and on our family.
How can I make her understand this without upsetting her or making her think I don't accept her.

sequoia

Thu, Oct 08 2015, 10:31 pm

You need to have a conversation about what authenticity really means. This is an important conversation to have with a teenager, regardless of any other circumstances.

What is "being yourself"? What is living in truth? What is the difference between privacy and shame? How do we decide if someone needs certain information or not?

Our voyueristic culture -- the culture of explicit memoirs, reality shows, celebrity interviews, Facebook, everybody striving for their 15 minutes of fame -- has corrupted the idea of living in truth. I remember reading somewhere, "These days, Socrates' dictum that the unexamined life is not worth living seems to have changed to a new one: that life is not worth living unless everyone has examined it" -- two decades ago!

Don't make this about her reputation or your family's image or anything like that. Rather, have an overall conversation about the true meaning of authenticity. Hopefully she will come to the conclusion that she doesn't need to "come out" to anybody.

imasoftov

Fri, Oct 09 2015, 1:33 am

amother wrote:

I don't think she understand the magnitude of the impact this will have on her and on our family

How will it effect your family?

PinkFridge

Fri, Oct 09 2015, 5:00 am

I think Sequoia made some really important points.
Also, I think it's quite understandable that you worry about the impact on your family. You will have to compartmentalize: any fallout re your family is NOT what it's all about at this point. It's about having her really examine things carefully, knowing that it's not necessary at this point in her life to take any irrevocable steps - because even if she was 100% certain of her straightness she wouldn't be acting on it now, and that you are there for her on her journey in life.

amother

Aquamarine

Sun, Oct 11 2015, 3:56 am

sequoia wrote:

Thank you very much for your response. I hope I am not demanding too much in asking that you or others help me formulate and start such a conversation. I was thinking over shabbos I would have this conversation but I didn't know how to go about it.

PinkFridge thank you for saying that it's understandable, and thanks for your response. I understand what you are saying.

cbsp

Sun, Oct 11 2015, 8:10 am

imasoftov wrote:

Here's one article about "indoctrination"

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/6795152

I Have Come to Indoctrinate Your Children Into My LGBTQ Agenda (And I'm Not a Bit Sorry)
Mar 07, 2015 | Updated May 07, 2015

amother

Cerise

Sun, Oct 11 2015, 8:18 am

let her know that she will not be able to have children with another female. She might just find pretty women attractive but that does not mean it has to be taken any further than that.

Don't make a big deal. She's a kid.

Just set the right tone in your home. Why are you allowing movies and internet access to a kid. Don't hide behind " I am lubavitch". That won't fix anything. If you are allowing your kids to be exposed to filth they just might end up with filthy thoughts. Bring torah and kedusha in to your home.

amother

Aquamarine

Tue, Dec 01 2015, 3:42 am

ok I'm drowning here.
DD just told me she doesn't even want to be religious.

I need help and I don't know where to turn. I haven't told anybody (Except a psyc I'm taking her to). Not even my husband.
I feel like I'm sinking into this deep pit and I can't reach out to anyone for help because then I'll pull them in with me.
Part of me has almost blurted out things to my husband but I'm holding back from it because I know what will happen. He won't know how to handle it and he himself will become depressed which in turn won't help anyone.
I would like to contact someone anonymously via email or something that is known to help in these situations. Is Bronya shaffer a good option? I don't know her but I've been told she is a very wise woman. Is there anyone out there someone can suggest? doesn't matter where I live because I'll be contacting over the internet anyway.
Please, please can someone give me some rope and tell me where to turn.

PinkFridge

Tue, Dec 01 2015, 3:48 am

amother wrote:

ok I'm drowning here.
DD just told me she doesn't even want to be religious.
.

Is this a separate thing, or because she thinks it's impossible to be religious with these s-xual leanings?
Big hugs. I would assure her I love her and that she is very young to be making a permanent, irreversible decision. We don't have a raumschpring for her to try it on for size. But that you want to help her find someone safe, who will treat her like the thinking young adult she is, whom she can bounce all her thoughts and conflicts off of. And once you have something set up with whoever you find, you can make a deal: if she talks to someone and doesn't feel comfortable, you would not encourage further discussion with this person.

But I do think that maybe first you need people to talk to IRL, who would understand you and your community, and who could give you a script. Obviously you want to choose wisely and not necessarily in your community. I don't know Bronya Shaffer so can't give you an opinion. Was she mentioned upthread at all?

And then you will need to tell your husband. He needs to be a partner in this. If you feel best finding someone to bounce things off of yourself first, that's ok, but ultimately, he can't be excluded.
Hatzlacha!

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