Dh "has to" divorce DW who had an affair?

amother

Saddlebrown

Tue, Oct 13 2015, 1:12 am

amother wrote:

How is this addiction different halachically? Did the fact that your an addict mean you didn't have control and therefore no need for divorce? Just curious because my husband is a sa and the double standards is one of the things I have a hard time with (thinking he'd be forced to divorce me if the tables were turned).

Also, no pressure but if you are willing to share from the viewpoint of the addict that would be awesome. I'm having a hard time hearing it from my husband because he violated me and my support groups are made up of spouses only and not addicts. Would love to hear it from the other side. Only if you are comfortable obviously. And I apologize if this makes you uncomfortable. That was not my intention at all.

Thanks for asking, and ill try to respond.
Obviously, there is the halacha factor in this that other addictions do not have. Bh my addiction didn't come that far, so I didn't have to deal with that bh. I did however discuss the halachos with a rav, and today's days things are very different from the days of the bais hamikdash, making a divorce a "must" very rare. I do not want to go into this part, since its so very sensitive, and should someone be in a position like this, they would obviously need to discuss their own case with their own daas Torah.
I do however want to expand on the addiction part. For anyone who knows and studies addictions - they will learn that the disease is the same. It's just that each person "acts out" in a different way. One person has their addiction manifest themselves in the form of drinking, another drugs, and another becomes a SA. An addict who does relations*u@l acts, does not do it to hurt their loved one. Yes the loved one gets hurt, but that's not the addicts intention. They feel guilty and it eats at them, but they are powerless to stop themselves. The first step of the 12 step program for any addiction is admitting that we are powerless. Note that the 12 step program is the exact same for all addictions! Every addiction gets treated in the same way!
I lived with guilt every day for what I was doing ! It was living nightmare but I couldn't stop! Bh now with therapy, there is hope for a brighter future.
I commend all brave and supporting spouses out there, especially my dear husband, for riding through the storm with me. He read up on sooooo much regarding addictions, and that has helped him and our marriage tremendously. He now understands how I didn't mean to hurt him directly! It doesn't take away the pain, and it will always be there, but now he can deal with it.
I hope this helps some!

amother

Magenta

Tue, Oct 13 2015, 1:19 am

amother wrote:

But I resent when my husband uses the "it's a disease just like fill-in-the-blank" as a cop-out. I was triggered by that statement. Sorry if I was displacing on you my anger towards him.

The causes and treatment may be similar, despite SA coming from a place of deeper, more basic emotional deficit or trauma than other addictions.

But the effects on the spouse are not the same. As the addict in your case, I urge you to be sensitive to that fact.

amother

Saddlebrown

Tue, Oct 13 2015, 1:53 am

amother wrote:

Of course I am, and I'm sorry for what you are going through. Just want to point out that I never used the "I'm an addict just like any other addict cop out excuse". I cried (and still do) for days on end to dh and to myself. He actually likes to be the one to use the "you're an addict and you're getting help" lines... it makes it easier for him to deal with. I'm a bit more hard on myself than that, but im learning and learning. I'm learning all about addictions, and I just pointed out some of the things that I've learnt that might help others get a better understanding.
I never underestimated the pain of my spouse! His pain shakes and hurts me and pains me deeply!

amother

Magenta

Tue, Oct 13 2015, 1:57 am

amother wrote:

I don't know what to say. "I'm happy to hear it" is incredibly inappropriate in this case. I guess what I want to say is that your husband is lucky to see your genuine regret and that you are taking your recovery seriously.

I hope you find the serenity and healing every human being deserves.

amother

Saddlebrown

Tue, Oct 13 2015, 2:02 am

amother wrote:

Thank you, and I want to point out one more thing. A very big part of the recovery process is making up for all the wrongs you've done and making up to the people you have hurt. Accountability. That's a very important step in recovery. There's no skipping that. That includes admitting your actions to the ones uve hurt and make amends. Owning up. Saying your sorry. Acknowledging their pain.
... and so much more.

amother

Khaki

Tue, Oct 13 2015, 9:01 am

amother wrote:

Not bashing, but please stop comparing SA to other addictions. It's more different than it is similar. Especially the pain and personal betrayal factor.

What does halacha say about your situation? I, too struggled with resentment over the double standard in halacha over the issue of cheating. Hearing more about it might really help.

Signed,

A wife of an everything addict

Really? Addictions are similar and they are different. She is comparing the similarities. I think that your comment is so ignorant and possibly self-hating. Each issue comes with it's own pain and situation, but that does not mean that you cannot compare them ever. Lupus, Vitiligo, MS, and psoriatic arthitis are all auto immune diseases. They are also all different. It's important sometimes to relate to them similarly to get a point across.
Signed, the daughter of an alcoholic and an once upon a time drug addict. Had to write that so that you would understand why I went amother.

amother

Magenta

Tue, Oct 13 2015, 9:11 am

amother wrote:

Since you are not the wife of an alcoholic, prescription pill abuser (to the point of addiction) and s-x addict, I don't think you get to dismiss my opinion that s-x addiction has a very different impact on the spouse than all other addictions.

ETA: Especially since, coming from the SA here, it rubbed me the wrong way because it reminded me of how my husband likes to dismiss my pain by comparing his issues to various other illnesses, none of which have this devastating effect on the spouse. Since the poster explained later that she doesn't do that, the discussion is kind of moot.

amother

Khaki

Tue, Oct 13 2015, 9:18 am

amother wrote:

I never once dismissed that. I said that each addiction is in and of itself different.
Saying, "I believe that relations addiction has a totally different impact on the spouse because of the betrayal" is accurate and acceptable. Saying, "it's completely different because of the betrayal" is not explaining why and is rather offensive to the original amother who was trying to explain to others how relations addiction is an addiction like any other addiction. It's like she destroyed everything that amother was trying to get across. I do not see any mention to how that has to do with the pain of the spouse is the post I quoted......
Oh, and sorry I'm actually the divorced spouse of a relations addict and a deviant.

amother

Magenta

Tue, Oct 13 2015, 9:23 am

amother wrote:

I never once dismissed that. I said that each addiction is in and of itself different.
Saying, "I believe that relations addiction has a totally different impact on the spouse because of the betrayal" is accurate and acceptable. Saying, "it's completely different because of the betrayal" is not explaining why and is rather offensive to the original amother who was trying to explain to others how relations addiction is an addiction like any other addiction. It's like she destroyed everything that amother was trying to get across.
Oh, and sorry I'm actually the divorced spouse of a relations addict and a deviant.

I said they are more different than they are the same, and I've experienced a few addictions as a spouse, and later added that I'm measuring according to the impact it has on the spouse.

But this is becoming a debate about semantics. See my edit of my previous post for my explanation of why her words bothered me. Although I thought I already mentioned that in my dialogue with that amother.

I'm sorry about your experiences. All of them. I hope you have a better life now that you divorced him.

amother

Khaki

Tue, Oct 13 2015, 9:31 am

amother wrote:

I'm sorry. I see that you wrote that the comment triggered you based on your personal experience. Still, I think that it is very important to clarify that you are not referring to the science or concept of addiction and rather to how the spouse feels, which you now have done. I apologize if I hurt you and I wish you much happiness and health.

amother

Magenta

Tue, Oct 13 2015, 9:38 am

amother wrote:

Just quoting myself...

Quote:

Not bashing, but please stop comparing SA to other addictions. It's more different than it is similar. Especially the pain and personal betrayal factor.

I guess that wasn't clear enough. Thanks for giving me the chance to clarify.

amother

Ruby

Tue, Oct 13 2015, 5:00 pm

amother wrote:

On the risk of being bashed:

Ive been diagnosed as a SA (an addict) and am in intense recovery. It's one of the hardest things I've ever gone though in my life.
Why is my husband staying with me? I've asked him (and myself) this question over and over.
Thank you zaq for putting it together in words so perfectly. You are exactly right.
And this sort of addiction is no different than an alcohol addiction, drug addiction, etc etc.
With the proper help and willpower, addicts can and do recover to lead wonderful and meaningful lives.

I'm wondering how you were diagnosed and have many many questions. I have posted on this site to see if there are any women SA's I'm a bit confused and I'm searching for clarity/someone to discuss this with who's been though recovery. Would you feel comfortable PMing me?

amother

Saddlebrown

Tue, Oct 13 2015, 5:30 pm

amother wrote:

I would have no issue emailing with you. Do you have a private email address that you can post? (Or can you make a new one?) I know how confusing things can be and would love to help you!