Challenging child challenging friends challenging interests?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)

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amother

Ivory

Mon, Nov 09 2015, 6:47 pm

My ADHD son has some mainstream interests like sports but has an interest or shall I say obsession with outdoorsy things like archery, BB guns, camping, fishing and such. My husband has indulged him in these things because he is BH very responsible and safe. I am not so keen on it because I think these interests separate him from his peers. While he has a few friends who like fishing the other stuff I worry he is too out there for a frum boy. Yet, these are the things he enjoys more then anything else. My DS complains all the time that no one likes the things he likes to do, that he can't live in our city because there is nothing to do etc. He literally would love to live in the middle of the woods. I think he should have been born Native American! His friends tend to be the more wild ones in his class and the behavior problems as and thruthfully he is more on the wild side. Am I destined to have a wild child because he has ADHD? How do I channel all his energy into positive arenas? I realize I am asking a lot from these questions but I see him loosing his love of yiddishkeit because sitting and learning is so not his thing. He is bar mitzvah next year. We have him in sports which he loves but he keeps asking why he can't hunt etc. We explain to him over and over again but it just makes him say he doesn't want to be Jewish....any suggestions or thoughts appreciated.

Rubber Ducky

Mon, Nov 09 2015, 7:01 pm

If there's a frum boy scout troop near you, encourage your son to join it. If there isn't, look into starting one.

imasinger

Mon, Nov 09 2015, 7:18 pm

Rubber Ducky wrote:

If there's a frum boy scout troop near you, encourage your son to join it. If there isn't, look into starting one.

Yup, this.

https://www.ou.org/jewish_acti.....outs/

amother

Ivory

Mon, Nov 09 2015, 7:26 pm

DS did join one but it's not "extreme" enough for him. Too basic the skills. He does still go.

animeme

Mon, Nov 09 2015, 7:33 pm

Would dh be willing to take him and a few of his friends on a camping or hiking trip? It's likely that his wild friends would do well with this type of activity too.... But if they don't want to come, having a small chevraah who likes it is good.

amother

Ivory

Mon, Nov 09 2015, 7:39 pm

DH has taken him and a friend camping but while he enjoys it then he gets fueled looking at camping supplies endlessly and asking me about axes etc. We do camp but not near enough for him. He is endlessly complaining that we NEVER go.

seeker

Mon, Nov 09 2015, 11:16 pm

He will be fine. Outdoorsiness will not make him wild; in fact, spending time in nature is supposed to be very grounding and calming for kids with ADHD. Most wilderness programs teach skills that are extremely valuable for kids with ADHD, such as responsibility, teamwork, and attention. Sign him up for some kind of adventure camp if you can, and any other programming that is available for his interests. You say he complains that he can't enjoy your city - I don't know what city you are in but New York for one definitely has nature opportunities, and I'm sure other cities do as well. Don't worry about him being different, once he grows up a little that will just make him a more special, interesting person.

If he gets fueled looking at camping supplies, then let that be his outlet in between trips/activities. Let him get busy and excited with planning the next trip/activity. There's no harm in browsing camping catalogs and putting together a fantasy camping kit. Don't tell me you never did the American Girl equivalent when you were a kid?

Definitely don't fight his interests. You will lose big time.

Sounds like his negative attitude is a bigger problem than his interests. The complaining all the time, saying he doesn't want to be Jewish if he can't hunt (perhaps he would benefit from a workshop about shechita to gain better appreciation of our approach toward animals?) - maybe he would benefit from some form of counseling. I don't know where the negativity is coming from but that will pull him down way more than any unique interests. Complaining that you "never" go is ungrateful and kvetchy. he needs to learn better ways of looking at things.

amother

Ivory

Mon, Nov 09 2015, 11:24 pm

Thank you seeker for all the good advice. He is actually in counseling.

Jewishmofm

Mon, Nov 09 2015, 11:38 pm

1. Nature is going to be the path to reach him. It can be his Torah, if you can tap into it properly.
2. Hunting is not forbidden.
3. If he thinks being Jewish is a problem, it's because someone has been giving him a list of don't and calling it Judaism. This MUST change. You MUST find a way to make yiddishkiet say yes to his needs. (I use the word needs purposely. He doesn't want to be involved in the natural life- he needs it)

amother

Ivory

Tue, Nov 10 2015, 7:04 am

Jewishmofm wrote:

Can you please further explain what you wrote? I am very interested. We went so far as to ask our Rabbi about hunting and were told NO WAY. Do you have any suggestions to help make yiddishkeit fit his needs? That is what we want to do but don't know how. We sent him to an outdoorsy camp this past summer that he very much enjoyed but it seems like it's never enough. He literally whined the rest of the summer that he could not live in our home and needed to be in nature. It just isn't possible. I even let him sleep in a sleeping bag cause that is what he wanted on the floor. I really want to do what you write I just can't figure out how to do it.

Iymnok

Tue, Nov 10 2015, 7:09 am

Isn't there a frum Camp Extreme? Outdoors is muttar, stam hunting may be a problem, but the rest is okay.

amother

Ivory

Tue, Nov 10 2015, 7:41 am

BH we did find a good outdoorsy camp.

imasinger

Tue, Nov 10 2015, 8:40 am

Here are a few other ideas. (Note: these do cost varying amounts of money.)

1. Buy him a subscription to "Backpacker" magazine, or books on wilderness camping and life.

2. Buy a tent for your back yard (if that works), and let him camp out there when possible.

3. Help him join local outdoor clubs, orienteering, hiking clubs, etc. Sometimes, public schools have groups, too.

4. The Boston shomer shabbos scout troop goes winter camping in December, and boys from around the US come to join them. Find out more about it. Let him earn a trip by his behavior. Get his therapist to help you create a plan.

5. See if there is a local wildlife preserve where he can learn and maybe volunteer.

6. Help him figure a way to strengthen himself during the winter. A little daily exercise can really help for a kid that has trouble sitting.

Iymnok

Tue, Nov 10 2015, 9:34 am

Call the rangers to ask about volunteer opportunities. He may find a job building, clearing or marking trails. This sometimes involves building small bridges.

amother

Ivory

Tue, Nov 10 2015, 9:37 am

Excellent suggestions. I emailed troop 54 in Boston to get more info. We did buy him a subscription to Survival Magazine but Backpacker sounds more appropriate for sure so I will look into that. He gets LOTS of exercise we are about to do a big triathlon together. I will look into wilderness programs he could volunteer at though I am not sure when we would find the time. This DS takes up so much time that I need to make sure I give my others some time to do stuff as well.

bigsis144

Tue, Nov 10 2015, 9:40 am

One more voice saying frum Boy Scout troops are awesome.

One of my brothers just "graduated" Boy Scouts and submitted his Eagle Scout project. He also went to and eventually became staff at Camp Mamosh "Ranch Camp". I tease him that he works as a stable boy over the summer because that's his job -- he takes care of the horses and teaches the younger kids to ride. It's amazing how much he knows at 18 years old about horses. This brother also went on a Scout trip to New Mexico where they camped for a week in the wilderness, literally sleeping on the ground in the rain, carrying everything they needed in backpacks. They straightened rails on a train track, learned to throw an atlatl (a Native American spear-type weapon) and avoided getting washed away by mudslides.

Some of those programs are sleep-away programs, so if you're not local, they might still be worth looking into.

(My family is from Los Angeles. This is their troop: http://www.bhtroop360.org/ )

amother

Ivory

Tue, Nov 10 2015, 10:01 am

Your brother sounds just like my son!! He is constantly whiteling things out of wood and he can throw a mean Atlatle. I will see what I can find out about him helping at a park but he is still kind of young to be out of my sight with a stranger. We have a fisherman neighbor and DS always talk to him and helped him change a tire on his truck the other day. I can watch them outside from my window. We do go camping and stuff it's just the daily "city life" that gets him down. I did just order him backpackers magazine. Part of me does feel that him reading this stuff just makes it harder for him to be here but I am listening to you smart ladies. Thank you.

Iymnok

Tue, Nov 10 2015, 10:05 am

If he enjoys woodworking and building, have him build you a shed, a treehouse or clubhouse for the other kids, a shoe dear for DH, a picnic table... The options are endless. (but it could add up)

A crossbow and target!

Jewishmofm

Wed, Nov 11 2015, 12:28 am

Okay- I'm trying to track down a shulchan aruch on kosher simanim which mentions hunting. I heard it quoted in a shiur by r'frand. I might have better luck finding the shiur.
As for that can be his yiddiskeit- we used to take numerous trips as kids to the zoo where our parents would point out the beauty of hashem's creations. It was a spiritual experience, not only a fun one.
As for the outdoorsy magazines, I subscribed myself for a few of them as a teen. A lot of "kochi v'otzem yadi" and Greek mindset of perfecting the body. Tread carefully.

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