How can I help little DD?

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Nov 10 2015, 10:22 pm

DD4 seems to be having a challenging period right now. I am looking for advice and tips how to make her happier and more settled.
Warning- lengthy post ahead!

DC6 is my oldest, the child in question is 4, and we also have a younger toddler, ka"h. DC6 is very intense and mentally draining for me, constantly asking existential questions, halachic shailas, social/emotional/hashkafic hypothetical question, telling long-winded stories and asking follow up questions about them, and so on. The younger toddler is perpetually up to no good-- messes, danger, you name it. DD4 has always been my chilled out child. Easygoing, loved to share with siblings and peers, be 'mevater', please others, be silly and just bring a smile to others' faces. That is, up until maybe 6 months ago.

Lately, she has been very different. She shrieks when things don't go her way- if she didn't get a whole baked potato(she knows she can have more after...), if the baby knocked down her blocks, when DC6 is being bossy and domineering about something, (which is most of the time,) if someone isn't sharing with her, if she spills, etc., etc. It is such a dramatic change that I actually took her to the pediatrician for a checkup and bloodwork, B"H all was well on the medical front. Her teacher mentioned that in the last few weeks this has started at school as well. She is having trouble sharing and 'letting go' of her ideas to make room for another child's. Every request she makes is a negative kvetch. 'I don't have any water left', 'I didn't get a vitamin' etc.

More background-- since she was the tiniest little thing, maybe 2 years old, she has been uncomfortable with verbal expressions of emotions. I would tell her how much I love her, and she will say something irrelevant to the discussion, like: "This is my bear." or "Do you like my pink shirt?". She also feels uncomfortable talking about her other emotions. The only thing that opens her up is physical touch. If I am holding or hugging her, she will often tell me how much she lives me, what a good Mommy I am, (thanks, kid! Smile

) and express other positive sentiments. And another thing-- she has a lot of trouble making eye contact, and even more trouble maintaining it for more than 3 seconds.

After giving this much thought:
1. DD4 needs more hugs. Sounds funny, but I am not a touchy-feely person, and express my love and warmth other ways. Her frustration tolerance, and ability to open up about her feelings seems to improve when we hit 3-4+ snuggles sessions in one day. It isn't my natural inclination, and its even hard for me to remember to make the effort, but I am trying and that is helping somewhat, B"H. Any other recommendations in this department?
2. DD4 seems like she needs to feel more control over her environment. How can I help her see that she really does have some say in some matters, and help her have more independence and control (I can't really control her siblings interactions with her too much)?

Dolly Welsh

Wed, Nov 11 2015, 12:52 am

Naturally not so snuggly people put a sheet or blanket on the floor and simply lie down there, with a pillow against the wall and wait. They will come, they will come.

Just read to them on the floor or chat, or ask how their lives are going.

They will naturally climb on and over you. Just allow it and stroke their head a little; understand they will take their fill of physical contact with you, and you don't have to do much at all. Just be furniture.

Pretend you are a dog or cat; their children simply climb all over them. Lions also.

Bring a book but don't get too deep in it. Simply permit.

This is not hard. Try not to fall asleep for real. Leave your phone unanswered in your purse and don't have any pots on the stove.

This will be especially good if the oldest is in school or asleep or out of the way. She is taking all the air in the house.

It is not so easy to be a middle child. You have no title, no brief. No portfolio. The oldest is the First Born, the youngest is Baby, and the middle is who? Has no kingdom, no army. Not easy. Make her queen of something, The Acknowledged Family Expert on something.

amother

Silver

Wed, Nov 11 2015, 5:45 am

I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with your dd ch'v, and I know this website has a reputation for people screaming therapy as the answer to every question, so I'm a bit hesitant to say anything. But...
My daughter is also very different to me, also very into touch.
When she was 3 and 4 she would have these explosive episodes, huge tantrums over minor things.
We went to a child psychologist who helped give her words and ways of expressing her feelings. And helped me help her.
Sometimes kids are more receptive to hearing things from people other than their parents, even at such a young age.
We went a few times and my dd enjoyed going. It just gave us a few tools to work with (and reassured me that there was nothing wrong with dd)
Some kids also need more one on one time than others.

I try to use lots of different words to describe feelings, to help my kids learn to identify what their experiencing. (Sad, frustrated, angry, scared, worried, nervous, mad etc)

FranticFrummie

Wed, Nov 11 2015, 7:56 am

Wow, so much going on in your house!

DC6 sounds like a hoot. What a character! I anticipate great things in the future of that one.

DD4 is a sensory child, and will benefit from a weighted blanket, deep squeezing hugs, and lots of hands on squishy toys at are all hers, no sharing. If you are not the huggy type, think of it as therapy for your child. Sit her at the kitchen counter or dining table, so that the other kids don't mess with her stuff. She needs her own space.

Age 4 is when a child starts to really experiment with who they are as a separate human being, and they will "try on" different personalities. Expect lots of frustration, tantrums, and general kvetchiness, this too shall pass. She's been the "good girl" so far, and now she wants to see what will happen if she behaves differently. Make sure she knows that you still love her, even when you don't love the things she does.

Middle children often get lost in the shuffle, so try to give her a little extra one on one time, or see if DH can step in and take her somewhere special for a bit.

You're doing a truly awesome job, and your kids are extremely fortunate to have a mom who is so tuned in to them. Keep up the good work!

imasinger

Wed, Nov 11 2015, 8:13 am

Sounds to me like she could use more of the right kind of attention.

Hugs are a good idea.

Learning how to create an environment of positive attention is another very, very important skill. It will help all your kids.

It works like this. You make a point of commenting regularly, like a sports commentator, on anything your child does or says. "Oh, I see you are drinking your water. I wonder if you are going to want more when that is finished." "Oh, you have made a beautiful block tower! I see you used 3 round red blocks, and 10 square blue ones." (Note - the bulk of this attention is just RECOGNIZING what the child is doing. It is not false praise like, "you make the best block towers in the world," "you're super smart", etc.)

On a regular basis, you offer your child REAL praise. Real praise focuses on specifics, on effort, not on meaningless comparison to others, or overblown expectations. It is said in an enthusiastic, warm tone of voice, with a real smile. It feels like a light of warmth and love is shining on you when someone does it to you. (Example: "I really appreciate the way you came and asked me for more water so nicely and quietly. That made me want to get you some right away!" "I see you picked your pink shirt today. It is such a happy color. Thanks for putting it on so quickly!" "You made that big block tower in only one minute! You can balance a lot of blocks, wow!")

The more you do this, the less your child is invested in negative behaviors in order to get attention from you. Once you have the hang of it, you can try withdrawing attention whenever your DD starts a negative behavior. But this will only be effective if she is ALREADY receiving a stream of positive attention, so that your turning away is like the light switch being turned off. Of course, the second she stops, it flips right back on again. ("You are so nice and quiet now; how can I help you? You need a vitamin? Of course! Let me help you in just a minute, after I clean up the toddler's mess. While you are waiting so patiently, would you like me to tell you a story, or would you like to tell me something? There, all finished. Here's your vitamin. Good job waiting!")

There are parenting classes that can offer more guidance in learning these skills.

I agree with kiwi strawberry about your being an astute, caring mother.