Difficult 3yo behaviour

amother

Bisque

Sun, Nov 01 2015, 12:33 pm

My DD is 3.5.

Lately, we have been experiencing difficult behaviour from her, much of which I am sure is normal 3yo behaviour but as she is our first, we don't know the best way to deal with it.

I try to give her as much one on one attention as I can, but this involved setting my 1yo old with an activity first. Luckily, he is happy to sit on the floor and play with a toy for a while, but DD ALWAYS want whatever toy he is playing with. She has a huge tantrum and snatches the toy off him. Even if he picks up another toy, she wants that too. I don't know how to deal with this.

She has also started throwing things when she gets angry which is dangerous as well as inappropriate. It's mainly about not getting her own way with something.

What's the best way to handle it?

FranticFrummie

Sun, Nov 01 2015, 12:42 pm

Try reading some books about sibling rivalry. My sisters and I are spaced about the same as your kids, and my mom says I was constantly pestering my baby sis, stealing her toys, hitting, etc.

When the older child acts out, put her in a pack n' play for time out, and tell her why. She's old enough to understand if you explain, and tell her that she can come out when she's ready to behave nicely. Repeat as often as needed until she realizes that being naughty will not get her what she wants.

Don't forget to praise her A LOT when she is nice to the baby!

amother

Bisque

Sun, Nov 01 2015, 2:47 pm

Thanks for your replies. I know it's normal, I just don't know what to do about it!

I haven't got a pack and play and even if I could borrow one she wouldn't be safe in it as she's very tall for her age and would tip it over or climb out of it. She's very determined!

amother

Papaya

Sun, Nov 01 2015, 4:55 pm

amother wrote:

I once heard a suggestion to put a child in a high chair or stroller for time out, so they're not being put away but being forced to sit by themselves until they're ready to play. This probably only works for certain personalities but it's perfect for my 3.5 year old.

amother

Bisque

Wed, Nov 04 2015, 5:13 pm

The other thing I'm finding difficult to know how to handle is when she asks for something she can't have, e.g. popsicles when we haven't got any. She just keeps repeating "I want it!" when I say she can't or that we haven't got any. She's very determined and it's quite rare that I can distract her with something else.

seeker

Wed, Nov 04 2015, 7:35 pm

amother wrote:

Alternate empathy and humor.
"Aw, I wish I had a popsicle to give you. Let's look in the freezer - see, no popsicles. Oh no Sad

That's disappointing. I know, let's ask Mr. Bear if he has any good snacks! [off to play Mr. Bear]

amother

Bisque

Wed, Nov 11 2015, 10:29 am

I meant to add that we have been working on saying please and thank you and she is usually very good at it but will occasionally come and demand "I WANT WATER!" This is usually easy to handle and if I remind her to ask nicely she does it and then gets her water.

The problem is, when she demands something that she can't have even if she asks nicely! Whether we simply don't have it or she's not allowed it. She'll usually demand something and I'll say "I'm sorry, you can't have it at the moment," then she'll ask in a sweet way saying please, but she still can't have it!

How do you reiterate the need to ask politely while teaching that it doesn't always mean you'll get what you asked for?

seeker

Wed, Nov 11 2015, 11:22 am

You reinforce the asking nicely, but stick with the no. Kids can learn that nicely is the way to ask, not the payment for the goods. Make a big party over how sweetly she asked, and offer an alternative that is good (until the message gets through, then the alternative doesn't have to be so exciting.)

"Wow, you asked SO sweetly like SUCH a big girl! Listen to you, wow! We don't have any ices right now, but because you are being such a sweet big girl and talking SO nicely how about a lollipop instead? And lets put some more juice in the freezer so there can be ices tomorrow." Of course as the habit starts to grow you will not want to offer the lollipop alternative very often, but for starters you need to get the behavior going without getting distracted by a tantrum over the ultimate lack of ices or whatever. And depending on your kid could be writing a mitzvah note to morah is reinforcing enough. Actually, if your kid is in school, writing mitzvah notes is a great way to plant ideas in their head. I definitely exaggerate in the mitzvah notes - if we are having a sharing problem at home I write a mitzvah note saying "DD shares so nicely with her sister. She waits for her turn instead of grabbing a toy." That way she has a chance to build an image of herself as a sharer and waiter way outside the heat of the moment, maybe next time the situation comes up and she is asked to share and wait maybe she'll retain that idea. Could be wishful thinking but this is an idea I heard somewhere that makes sense in theory and is easy enough to be worth a try.