Difficult DD teenager--Advice anyone???

underthestars

Wed, Nov 18 2015, 7:54 am

I have tried to institute chores, unsuccessfully...I have tried to take an interest in her music, but honestly, I CAN'T STAND IT!!! I let her listen to it when I am around, and try to engage her in it, but it is REALLY BAD!!!! Rolling Eyes

She hates babysitting and doesn't want to work at other jobs (although as a teenager, not sure what else she can do since she has school obligations anyway)

I tell her sometimes I want to teach her skills so she will have them later in life, hence that is why I am (fill in the blank...) but she is not interested at this stage of the game (which I guess I can understand, having her be only a teenager now)

I just want what we all want, a healthy, well educated (both from home and school), respectful bas yisroel daughter (w/proper middos), who is not chutzpadik Wink

I am just not used to this

saw50st8

Wed, Nov 18 2015, 8:04 am

underthestars wrote:

I am just not used to this

When she needs money, she comes to you for it. She's not motivated to get a job because she has the Bank of Mom and Dad.

underthestars

Wed, Nov 18 2015, 8:08 am

not really, we have no money, and she knows that. (and she can't stand hearing that we always have no money)--we always tell her that she is so smart that some day she will be a successful business woman and will be able to buy whatever she needs IYH together with her husband. She demands a lot but I don't give in to her, simply because I can't...

Chayalle

Wed, Nov 18 2015, 8:14 am

How is her relationship with her older siblings?

As an older sibling with the youngest in my family being just out of her teens (newlywed, now, actually) there were some challenges between her and my parents - the generation gap being bigger with your youngest, and the household dynamics being so different for a youngest than with the older ones. She had no company at home - not at all like what I had - and my parents were beginning to have more of a "grandparents" mentality, things about her that they simply could not understand....

Though she didn't have an easy time with my parents, she was a dream in my house - almost like an extension up from my oldest - they're almost like sisters rather than aunt/niece. She spent alot of time here (still does, I feel almost like a shvigger now) - most vacations as a teen, Yomim Tovim (together with my parents), etc...and she was helpful and cheerful and joined in all chores and activities - Pesach cleaning and Chol Hamoed trips, cooking and babysitting and outings, etc....

Is it possible that your daughter would be able to develop those helping skills and compassion if she spent more time with married siblings? It could be a win-win arrangement.

Chayalle

Wed, Nov 18 2015, 8:17 am

underthestars wrote:

Then she should start doing some babysitting. Both of my teens are very in-demand babysitters in my neighborhood. They put the bulk of their earnings in savings accounts, but I encourage them to take what they need for pocket money beyond what I pay for. It creates a healthy balance, where they save but also spend on themselves - going out with friends here and there, or a special activity with friends.

yksraya

Wed, Nov 18 2015, 8:21 am

I would advice you to absolutely ignore the chutzpa as if it didn't happen. She knows chutzpa is wrong and is testing your limits. By ignoring the chutzpa you are not aknowledging and not showing anger or hurt at it. She will eventually stop bec tge chutzpa won't get the recognition she wanted it to get.

On the other hand, compliment her for anything and everything possible. Like choice of clothing (even if not your taste) punctuality, any help around the house, when you see she's in a good mood say you like to see her in such upbeat mood etc.

much hatzlaha, the teenager years are tough!

underthestars

Wed, Nov 18 2015, 8:46 am

I do try very hard to say positive things and encourage her whenever possible. B"H, I have learned much over the years and feel I do have good parenting skills (hence, not sure why I am having such a challenging time this time around)

With regard to older siblings, she has a great relationship, but a) they don't live close by, although I do try to get her there as much as possible and b) even when she is there, she doesn't really help out too much (although she does help more then if she were at home!)

She babysits when she really wants $$, and I have an agreement with her, that she keeps half and I bank half--this way she has spending $$ for what she wants, but also she banks $$ so later in life she will have $$ for other things as well.

She does view myself and my husband as being old(er), although we don't see ourselves that way, and although we try very hard to "be there for her", I think, at least for me, no matter what I do or say, it won't matter. We have infinite patience (more than her friend's parents who are younger!) and sometimes I wish I could just place her somewhere for 2 days somewhere else just so she could see just how wonderful she has it here with us!! I know she is a teenager going through all the normal things teenagers do, but I am just not used to this since my other kids didn't behave this way.

Chayalle

Wed, Nov 18 2015, 8:58 am

It's just harder because she's the youngest, because she has a different personality, because, because...you can look for 100 reasons. Some kids are like that. I think it's great that you recognize your strengths and you try your best. No matter what, some teens go thru tough years, even if they have it all.

I know my father tried so hard for my sister (my mother a"H was ill during her teen years) and I'd spend time comforting and validating him, and then talking to her and trying to encourage her to be more receptive to him as he tries so hard, and then validating her frustration on the points where the gap was just too big in her point of view....as much as you try there are certain challenges a youngest will have (I'm not even going to THINK about what my 7 year old is going to be like as a teen....I'll be posting on imamother, no question about it....) that make her different than her older siblings. She's growing up in a different world then they did.

I think the end goal here is to raise a healthy teen. You sound like you are really doing your best. It's really tough and there's no magic recipe, no magic formula. Daven and keep giving yourself positive messages, keep your eyes on the goal. B"EH eventually her brain will catch up with her emotions. May she give you much Nachas.

Chayalle

Wed, Nov 18 2015, 9:05 am

underthestars wrote:

With regard to older siblings, she has a great relationship, but a) they don't live close by, although I do try to get her there as much as possible and b) even when she is there, she doesn't really help out too much (although she does help more then if she were at home!)

Is it possible to send her there at times where she would be pitching in? My sister used to come as soon as Pesach vacation started (since my parents always came to me for Pesach). She'd join in the cleaning, or helping with kids while I cleaned, and also in the fun stuff like going for Pizza, etc...This helped her develop pitching in skills, responsibility, etc....

When I had my youngest a week before Pesach, she had already come the week before, and that last week we switched over and cooked, stocking the freezer so that when my DD was born, I spent the few days right before Pesach recuperating (and she took the kids to the park, etc...)

yksraya

Wed, Nov 18 2015, 9:06 am

Chayalle wrote:

This!

underthestars

Wed, Nov 18 2015, 9:12 am

Chayalle, thanks for your encouragement and wisdom. My husband and I recognize the positive influence her older siblings (and spouses) have on her and try as much as possible to have her spend time with them. We will see what will be with holidays...just haven't had that happen yet since this 'tude is sort of new to me (only in the last few months has it really "come out")--

We do recognize that things are different for her than they were for her siblings, and try very hard to compensate for that (older siblings think we spoil her and are too soft on her--can't win either way Confused

)

I am just so frustrated cuz I love her to pieces and I want her to be a happy well adjusted child, and I am worried because she just pushes me out of her life (and sometimes her father as well)--BUT, the other half of my brain tells me to just "chill"--but it is very hard when a child does this to you....

Chayalle

Wed, Nov 18 2015, 9:23 am

underthestars wrote:

Just want to tell you I Hug

your post. It's not a dislike - it's a real hug. You are trying so hard, and it really is hard (and painful).....keep doing your best. Chill when you can, validate your feelings when you can.....

chani8

Wed, Nov 18 2015, 10:20 am

underthestars wrote:

I will try all the above. I recognize that she craves the independence, and do try very hard to give her more. She has stated she wants to put myself and my husband on a shelf and just take us "down" when she needs money, a ride somewhere, or food. I don't really care for that attitude, and don't want to "go along with that program", but don't want conflict at every turn either.

This (bolded) had me LOL. I know it's not funny to you, OP, but it's a crack up from where I'm sitting. We're the parents your DD would love to have. Some teens can blab blab blab, and I'm like, "Do you need something from me?" And one time my DD called DH to tell him all about whatever just happened to her, and he was like, "Do you need me to fix something or you just calling to vent?" LOL. FTR, I certainly don't ask my kids if they did whatever was on their 'to do list'.

The reason I'm telling you all this is to point out that some of the big problem here is about personality differences. You're a good mom, it's clear, but maybe this teen is just way different than the rest of your family. You did mention there are some differences that you're not used to. So, learn up her personality type, and try to speak her language.

I'd be asking, "What does a person with her personality type need from me?" You're lucky that she's quite self aware and is giving you direct advice on how to parent her.

And last, in my opinion, she is not being chutzpa to you. If you call it chutzpa, you'll only make yourself mad. What I learned to tell myself regarding my difficult teens was, "Don't care so much!"

smss

Wed, Nov 18 2015, 12:05 pm

I am a lot closer to being a teenager than being the mother of a teenager, so I guess I see your daughter's POV a lot more easily than I see yours.

To be very honest I cringed when I read your OP. The message you were giving her was "I don't think you can be trusted to do the things you need to do on your own."

Your daughter is a teenager. She is old enough to take responsibility for her choices and to learn that choices have consequences. Even if she were receptive to your nagging (which is the only word for the way you were talking to her), I still wouldn't think that was healthy. Better for her to figure it out on her own. But she is clearly telling you that she wants and needs to be trusted to handle her own life. It's time to start treating her more like an adult. Treat her with more respect and she will do the same for you, I think.

When your relationship with her is better, THEN you can try giving her household responsibilities, IMO.

smss

Wed, Nov 18 2015, 12:52 pm

underthestars wrote:

smss, it is funny how we can look at the same situation totally different. I look at it as being a caring mother to want to know what his happening with her life and school, and you (and her) look at it as nagging.

Thanks for the input

"How was your day?" is being caring. And she responded respectfully to that. Maybe you want more than "fine," but that's not a disrespectful answer. Some people just want to relax in peace and quiet for a while after a long day before they're in the mood of talking about it. Even when my DH asks me how my day was right when I get home from work, I usually give him a one word answer. Later, I'll talk about it in more detail.

"so, did you make arrangements to get notes for your upcoming test??" and "ok, so, did you ever get the book you need for your reading class??" are nagging. I understand that you're asking those questions out of caring that she does well in school, but that is not what she hears. What she hears is "I think you're incompetent. I think you can't figure this out on your own."