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Forum -> Relationships -> Simcha Section
What is the main focus of the upsherin party?



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amother
Tan


 

Post Sun, Nov 22 2015, 3:30 pm
We're making an upsherin shortly. Our first.

Dh wants to go to the barber before the upsherin and then have everyone come to the party after the official haircut. He has very very difficult parents (BPD amongst other stuff). He's afraid of them doing a snip.

I always thought that the whole celebration is about celebrating the haircut. Watching it. The grandparents getting to snip some hair. All that.

I understand dh and also don't want them to do the haircut (they will if they can and they're far from gentle). But excluding them just doesn't feel good. I don't want them to come to the party all grumpy and angry.

I know in our family the grandfathers always got to snip some hair. But I was wondering about others - does anyone exclude their parents from the actual cutting? Is it ok?
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amother
Wine


 

Post Sun, Nov 22 2015, 3:35 pm
Are his parents capable of hurting your son when they're cutting his hair? If so, I don't think there's a question about cutting it before they show up.

The party is about the haircut, yarmulka, tzitzis, the new stage in life. If you want to include his previous hair in the party you can put a huge picture of him in long hair featured prominently, and do the rest with the guests there!
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amother
Tan


 

Post Sun, Nov 22 2015, 3:39 pm
amother wrote:
Are his parents capable of hurting your son when they're cutting his hair? If so, I don't think there's a question about cutting it before they show up.


I hope not. But they can get aggressive.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 22 2015, 3:42 pm
None of what you asked about is Halacha or even minhag. The only actual minhag is the fact that you cut the hair at age three. Do whatever works best for you.
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Maya




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 22 2015, 4:02 pm
If you have even the slightest suspicion that someone may ruin the occasion, just invite for a party and do the hair cutting ceremony alone with your family. I'm speaking from personal experience.
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Shuly




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 22 2015, 4:18 pm
Another option is to have the party first and then go alone to the barber to cut his hair.
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cm




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 22 2015, 4:33 pm
Is it possible to set limits that they will respect? For example, "Each of the grandparents will take one snip and smile for the camera. Then, the barber will finish the job properly." If they will not, then have the haircut separately and host the party afterwards.
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amother
Tan


 

Post Sun, Nov 22 2015, 4:35 pm
Maya wrote:
If you have even the slightest suspicion that someone may ruin the occasion, just invite for a party and do the hair cutting ceremony alone with your family. I'm speaking from personal experience.

The question is whether they'll ruin it more by cutting, or by them being excluded.

There's no way to know.
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Sun, Nov 22 2015, 5:16 pm
Some people take the boy to various rebbeim to do a snip, as well as ta rebbe in cheder, and take pictures of that. So you might take him to your parents as well as part of the trip, just be quiet about it, and not go to your in-laws. Then have the barber do the haircut before the party.
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agreer




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 22 2015, 7:48 pm
There's no official "focus"... it's whatever you want it to be!

Mazel tov.
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yksraya




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 22 2015, 9:40 pm
With ppl with BPD you can never win. If it's safer for your child to get his haircut at the barber without fanfare do so.

also, I think you should go by what your dh feels. It's he who grew up with his parents and should have his feelings validated.

If they will be in the "ruining things" mood they will cause drama anyway. Just prepare yourself mentally that some sort of "fun" will happen and don't pay any heed to it, they don't deserve it.

Mazel tov and best wishes to your sweet son upon his upsherin, may it be a happy occasion come what may. And you should have loads of nachas from him!
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 22 2015, 9:49 pm
You have the choice of: upsetting the oldsters, or, the little boy. That choice makes itself. The kid is the future. The oldsters are the past. They have had theirs. Protect the child. I don't care what it takes to do that. Your husband knows best here; they are his parents and it's his son. If even one tiny thing goes wrong because of some notion of yours, it will impact your marriage majorly unpleasantly.

Danger!

Listen to Maya.
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yogabird




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 22 2015, 10:00 pm
Grandparents are adults. They can fend for themselves. Upsherins are traumatic enough on most boys as it is. Your son relies on you to protect him. Don't let him down.
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sky




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 22 2015, 10:19 pm
I know plenty of people were they did the cutting quietly with just parents and siblings and barber so it is less 'traumatic' for the kid.
It doesn't have to be centered around the haircut.
The focus could be on aleph bais, torah is as sweet as honey, yarmulka and tzitzis, etc.
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loveandpeace




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 22 2015, 10:20 pm
I would trust my man on this. These r his folks.
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amother
Tan


 

Post Sun, Nov 22 2015, 10:29 pm
Thanks everyone
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 23 2015, 2:29 am
DH took our son to his rebbeim, they each took a snip in the makom tefillin, got a picture then DH brought him home. After a nap was the celebration.
There is a Seder Chalaka with tefillos and what order the letters should be said in and a bunch of exciting minhagim.
We ended up going to the cheder a few months later...
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kb




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 23 2015, 2:46 am
If you're worried about them being upset, let them know beforehand.

Something like

You're invited to see yoni with his new haircut! A party to celebrate this exciting milestone.

Make it clear that the cutting will have been done so they can get over it before they come.
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little_mage




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 23 2015, 6:39 am
I have a friend who is currently planning her son's upsherin. Her current plan is to take him to get a proper cut in the morning, but leave one lock to be ceremoniously cut at the party itself.
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