Anyone have a family member who OTDed as an older adult

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amother

Lilac

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 3:44 pm

my sisters ex husband went otd in his 30s. Until then he had been frum, but definitely more relaxed about things. (tv, dress, etc) Now he is completely not frum. bh his kids are all frum today, although on a spectrum from light to extremely frum. My sister is remarried happily to nice frum man.

zaq

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 3:45 pm

out-of-towner wrote:

And why is OTD now a verb?

For the same reason that "access" "google" "impact" and a host of other non-verbs are now being used as verbs: convenience. Or verbal laziness, if you prefer to look at it that way. Not that "OTDed" is so very much more efficient than "went OTD". Two characters and a space= negligible savings.

Chavas

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 3:48 pm

chani8 wrote:

Well, of the 8 of us, I was the one devastated, DH didn't look back, DD1 was grateful, DS1 has thanked us many times since, DD2 was confused until just recently, DD3 was totally fine about it, DS2 was confused until recently, and DD4 was too young to understand. The three of us who struggled the most, took about 3 years to get over it.

To clarify, all but my DS1 are still shomer shobbos.

Yuo might have changed hashkafos, but if you are shomer mitzvos, you are not OTD.

sequoia

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 4:44 pm

Social isolation is a big factor for single adults.

amother

Orange

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 4:54 pm

My brother, in his 50s, recently went OTD. Still keeps kosher (force of habit, he says) but not shomer shabbat.

He's had a lot of difficulties in the past several years and this is one way he's coping with them.

amother

Amethyst

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 5:09 pm

My friend's cousin just went OTD around age 30. She had half a dozen children that she couldn't handle, lifestyle was not for her after living ultra frum life all the years. She joined footsteps and the rest is history.

amother

Beige

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 5:28 pm

amother wrote:

Same for my bil. Starting working on Yom Tov last year.

professor

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 6:00 pm

amother wrote:

I am an adult, happily married with children, and I no longer believe in much of judaism. If I ever publicly go otd, it'll be because it's too hard to keep pretending.

what part of Judaism don't you belive in, do you not believe in hashem, or in the people who run the system, or what?

professor

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 6:02 pm

chani8 wrote:

To clarify, all but my DS1 are still shomer shobbos.

then you are not OTD

professor

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 6:15 pm

chani8 wrote:

What you can do now is choose relationship over religion. Let that person know how important your relationship is despite religious differences. Unless family dynamics prevent this, of course.

I do tell this to my family member, and I do really still like the personality and everything, but it's SO HARD for me to look at this person I knew for ever as a frum yire shomaim the same way.... I wish I could understand...

professor

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 6:17 pm

I want to understand what people THINK when they go OTD.
I know kids, kids don't think. or they are angry, or just want to be without rules etc,. but what do adults THINK

I guess I just wanna know WHY. can anyone she'd some light on this issue?

MagentaYenta

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 6:42 pm

professor wrote:

If you talk to people who are OTD you can get an understanding of what the are thinking and feeling. I've found the reasons are varied and not all or just one of the many mentioned on this thread.

amother

Chartreuse

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 6:56 pm

The thinking process, sometimes, but not always, is not very different from every other person in this world who is not frum. They no longer believe it intellectually and/or find the way or life too hard and unfulfilling.

I'm in this category. I remain frum on the exterior because of my marriage and kids. I'm not sure what I'll do when I'm older. The thought of feeling trapped til 120 hurts.

professor

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 6:59 pm

do you find that you don't believe that hashem created the world? is this what you mean by intellectually?

amother

Lemon

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 7:22 pm

professor wrote:

Me and my husband are at a stage where we've just about had it with our community. We are disgusted by our upbringing and the culture in our community. We grew up very sheltered and extreme and if we were to drop certain things in our lifestyle we would be shunned and disowned by our families.

We are seriously considering a move to a " lite" yiddishkeit community but ( no judgements please!) it will be really hard to sift through a list of priorities. We are striving towards authenticity in our yiddishkeit but we are a strong married unit, married ten years. We are mature and eventually, with lots of trial and error, we will discover our truth.

but I can't tell you how tempting it is to just drop everything. We grew up with no real love, so Hashems love for us is a foreign concept. Yiddishkeit for us is about fire and brimstone and hell, unfortunately. We know, intellectually, that this is not so, but this is where we stand emotionally. Why should we continue to struggle when we feel judged by Hashem and by everyone around us? What will give us the strength to stay strong in a new foreign community? That is one of the difficult dillemS we are grappling with.

Where we are headed, we will be considered OTD by our families and friends. It hurts because we just want to stay true to ourselves, true to our life's mission. And dealing with that constant judgement is just another shove down the steps.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are no bad people. Only hurt and struggling people, yes adults too. Nobody does this because of " temptation" or " yetzer hara"
Please don't judge us.

amother

Violet

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 7:32 pm

professor wrote:

I thought, "Why should I keep shabbat or kashrut? How does it benefit me?"

PinkFridge

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 8:21 pm

amother wrote:

Lots of hugs and hatzlacha! My hat's off to you (figuratively, of course). You have identified so many important hurdles you will overcome and be"H not pass on to the next generation, and I wish you all the best - inner and outer peace, and good shlichim to help you get there.

Maya

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 8:39 pm

amother wrote:

We are seriously considering a move to a " lite" yiddishkeit community but ( no judgements please!) it will be really hard to sift through a list of priorities. We are striving towards authenticity in our yiddishkeit but we are a strong married unit, married ten years. We are mature and eventually, with lots of trial and error, we will discover our truth.

Go for it. We did it. You can't imagine the contentment and peace this can bring for you and your family.

shoshana2

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 10:06 pm

I think a lot of people are frum but don't have a relationship with Hashem.
Without that relationship there is very little enjoyment in frumkeit, so I could see a person giving it up.

amother

Beige

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 10:16 pm

shoshana2 wrote:

I think a lot of people are frum but don't have a relationship with Hashem.
Without that relationship there is very little enjoyment in frumkeit, so I could see a person giving it up.

It's hard to have a relationship with Hashem when the emphasis in the frum community is on money.

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