Back to work when DH doesnt help- long

Raisin

Thu, Nov 26 2015, 10:04 am

esheschayil wrote:

Sorry, but I don't believe in men being "incapable." If that were the case, there would be no single fathers. My father did perfectly fine working full-time while raising my sister and me - taking us to the doctor, getting us to school on time, running the house (to be fair, there was babysitting from grandparents and coworkers when needed, as well as occasional cleaning help and he could afford takeout/restaurants).

In OP's case, I agree with the poster who says to give him the time-sensitive tasks ("take Moshe to the doctor"), but start off with that BEFORE you think about going back to work, because it sounds like you need help and support from your DH regardless, and you can't think about going back to work until you know you're going to get it.

If OP is not around or not able to do 3 school runs, since she has to leave to work in 10 minutes, her husband might step up. But right now he sees no need to, since he is "working" and she is not. Once OP is not a sahm anymore, he might step up. I don't know, he sounds pretty obnoxious.

amother

Mauve

Thu, Nov 26 2015, 10:38 am

OP,you mentioned DH refusing pickup or drop off at one point because he hates the parking lot. It's possible that this isn't just an excuse, but that thread whole craziness of carpool is a real challenge for him. It sounds like he gets overwhelmed easily. Plus, he has his ideas of who does what, and so if he doesn't know how to do something, he avoids it.

My DH was like this. Here's what helped. Firat, normalizing. One Thanksgiving when I picked uo, I came home and truthfully told dh, "Huh. I think besides me there were two other mother's doing carpool. All father's today, just like most national holidays." After a few of these, he realized that these days most father's are expected to do this, and he's the exception if he doesn't, and everyone sees. So he did it. And saw that he still hated the carpool line but could handle it. And did it again, and came up with some way to manage it that was of course the best way, and I smiled and nodded. And gave him Sundays.

He may also be avoiding the house on Friday afternoons if he feels he can't deal with chaos. Going to the gym on fridays has got to go, I think, though I wonder if you will see effects you don't like. Does he run a nice Shabbos table? If possible, give him a specific Shabbos job that is easy but has chashivus. Have him set a specific time on Shabbos afternoon or Friday night to learn with your boys. That's clearly an Abba job, and will get him used to having a child-related job. Even if it's scheduled to be ten minutes.

amother

Sienna

Thu, Nov 26 2015, 12:11 pm

Your husband wants you to go back to work....Do you want to go back to work? And how long have you not been working?

I found that I had to give dh very specific instructions for household chores....we managed fine with both of us working full time and 2 older (not baby or toddler) kids...but once my third was born and I was balancing working full time, meeting the immediate needs of an infant, the older two had homework and needed attention, grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, no cleaning help, husband coming home from work at 8pm and needing time to "chill." I was resentful for a while. Truly. I didn't sit down for a second the entire day (I don't work at a desk job) except while pumping. And I literally did everything at home. like clearing the table after 3 different shifts of dinner, washing all the dishes. Then dh started with the whole "youre never interested in intimacy...." well, duh! I felt like a total shmatteh all the time.
It took a looong time--like months--(without seeking outside help) besides for hiring a cleaning lady....and that happened when I broke my ankle on top of all of this!
I have found dh still needs time to "relax" when he comes home. And I'm respectful of that. Because he does work hard--with his 2 full time jobs. I'm still the primary/default parent--the one making billions of phone calls trying to fight for my son's RSAs and then to find an OT for him....while dh has no idea....
We are both totally exhausted all of the time. But we do fight less. However, my most important advice for you is to sit down in a neutral location with a moderator if you need to (a licensed therapist, marriage counselor--please don't pay a fake one who promises he can fix shalom bayis issues....) And talk it out. Don't necessarily try to get dh to open up about why he won't do his share...just spell out your feelings and what he actually needs to do to help out. Explain that if your kids (and you said you have sons) see that their father cleans the kitchen after dinner without you asking him, it will become ingrained that this is what they need to do when they get married. I'm sure your children's chinuch is important to him too.
Also, be upfront about what he will need to do once you go back to work. In terms of sharing household chores. Because it should be a given. Both parents working means both parents working at home too.

SRS

Thu, Nov 26 2015, 12:26 pm

Have you told him straight out: "I cannot even think about working if I have no help around the house."

You think he is saving too much for retirement and is working too hard on paying off the home. Why do you think these things? I tend to be of the believe that you can never save too much for retirement, I.e. maxing out the 401k is what you need to do to save and paying off a home early will free up cash for college, paying for weddings, and what have you.

I think that you should tell your husband that he needs to provide a certain amount of help for you to start doing job applications. There are husbands who help more and husbands who help less, but I don't know a two-income family where the husband does not pull some important weight.

Also, he must do to feel competent. You can't learn without doing and the longer he does not do, the harder it will become to do.