Verbally Abusive...and manipulative

amother

Blue

Thu, Nov 26 2015, 9:54 pm

This post is about my 17 year old teenage sister. She uses her big mouth to constantly knock other ppl..her friends, siblings and even my parents. She has no issue telling my mom things like, you dont care about your kids...you're the worst mother..you don't know how to manage the house...you give us a terrible chinuch. But believe me, my mother is an absolutely amazing mom, it's completely her problem.

Her 2nd issue is that she's extremely manipulative....she makes my parents agree to do/let/buy things they never wld allow. For example, she wanted to have a sleepover with a friend on a school day which my mom never lets. So what did she do, she tells my mom....my friend asked me if I can sleep over, and I told her of course you'll let cuz your the greatest mom. When my mom told her, there's no sucha thing, she said, but I already told her I could and I can't back out now and If you do make me back out on my friend then you're......and she started with her whole verbal lashing.

Now my question is, Is this normal teenage behavior or does this grow along with you unless something is done about it?

My mom just expressed her worry that she's terribly scared what kind of wife she'll be to her husband....and I'm nervous too.

mummiedearest

Thu, Nov 26 2015, 10:53 pm

your mom's giving in to it. for some reason, she's scared to disappoint your sister, and that is not doing your sister or mother any good. she needs to put her foot down and take charge. I don't think your sis's behavior is odd for a kid who has learned how to get her way. if you think it's abnormal, it's because most of the people you know had parents who set healthy boundaries early and stuck to them.

if your mother is concerned about your sis's future career as a spouse instead of worried about your sis's current career as an obnoxious daughter/friend/sister, I think your mother needs to speak to a professional who can help her see things more clearly. the more she allows this behavior, the worse it will get.

amother

Blue

Fri, Nov 27 2015, 12:02 am

OP here. Mummiedearest you wrote out exactly how I feel about my mother in this whole situation. It kills me to watch my sister going on like this and my mom just remaining so passive about it. How can I, as a daughter, bring to my mother's attention that her not sticking up for herself is only ruining this kid more?

notshanarishona

Fri, Nov 27 2015, 4:54 am

Personally, I know my mom does not like hearing from her kids that she is not parenting nicely, it is kind of a slap in the face. I would say you should not get directly involved.
If your mom asks for help, I would refer her to a counselor/therapist to help with setting boundaries.
[As a side point, for 12th grader to be able to sleep out of the house on a school night is totally normal IMO. By 17 most kids should have some level of independence.)

mummiedearest

Fri, Nov 27 2015, 7:36 am

amother wrote:

you can't do anything. what you can do is tell your mother that you don't want to discuss your sis's issues in the future, you find it too upsetting. don't be her therapist. bow out of the whole situation. if she figures it out, she'll try to improve the situation. if she doesn't, things will continue as they are. make sure you have your own boundaries in place with your sister, and move on.

Chayalle

Fri, Nov 27 2015, 11:34 am

amother wrote:

It's normal teenage behavior for a teenager who's not being allowed to do normal things.

Her relationship with her parents/siblings does not necessarily have baring on her future relationship with her spouse.

It sounds like your sister's needs are not being met by the adults around her. She is being treated like a child, not like a teen...and she's expressing that.

Chayalle

Fri, Nov 27 2015, 11:36 am

amother wrote:

It sounds like, actually, your mother not seeing your sister's side in this is what's ruining her more.

As the mother of a 17 year old, it sounds like your sister is not getting enough independence, and she is lashing out as a result.

So no, her behaviors are not appropriate...but neither are the expectations.

Not being able to have sleepovers on a school night is for second graders, not high school seniors.

Chayalle

Fri, Nov 27 2015, 11:38 am

notshanarishona wrote:

If your mom asks for help, I would refer her to a counselor/therapist to help with setting boundaries.
[As a side point, for 12th grader to be able to sleep out of the house on a school night is totally normal IMO. By 17 most kids should have some level of independence.)

This. And to determine what's normal and realistic for a 17 year old.

amother

Linen

Fri, Nov 27 2015, 1:47 pm

My sister was like this too. Verbally abusive, manipulative, yelled. parents let her do whatever because it was easier than dealing with her.
Eventually she married someone easygoing and somewhat submissive, but nice. And he mellowed her out quite a bit.

It's definitely not ideal behavior. I honestly thought my sister must have some sort of mental issues but I guess it was just the environment and my parents didn't know how to deal.

I agree with other posters that you can't get in the middle. It's sad to see but hopefully she'll get better when she out of your parents house.

Zehava

Fri, Nov 27 2015, 1:55 pm

I agree with chayelle. Your mother is A. Treating your sister like she's ten, and B. Complaining to you about her behavior
Both are inappropriate. For you being raised with this behavior from your mother it might seem normal, but it isn't.
Your sister is doing what it takes to survive, and be her own person. Hopefully her spouse will treat her with more respect and she will give him respect in return.