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Forum
-> Interesting Discussions
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amother
Rose
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 Sun, Nov 29 2015, 2:43 am
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And that she must do his will even if she doesn't want to?
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Rutabaga
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Sun, Nov 29 2015, 2:56 am
No.
Is your husband trying to force you to do something or is he trying to convince you that he's right about something?
How we can advise you will depend on the context. Sometimes you need to stand your ground and sometimes you need to figure out how to compromise or give in, but you have to be able to distinguish between these options based on the circumstances.
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Tablepoetry
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Sun, Nov 29 2015, 2:58 am
If I did, there is no way I would get married. And I would advise my daughters not to marry.
Baruch hashem in today's world women can survive without men.
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shabbatiscoming
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Sun, Nov 29 2015, 2:58 am
OP, you have to give more information, if this is a question that regards something your husband told you to do.
But I say, no, of course not.
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miriammom
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Sun, Nov 29 2015, 2:59 am
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No. If so she feels comfortable being me bater it's an opportunity. If not she can dis cuss her concerns in a calm way using I statements. "I feel afraid about this..." If she has a serious concern she can bring it with her husband to a 3rd party that they both trust and come up with a viable option.
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Sadie
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Sun, Nov 29 2015, 2:59 am
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No. Neither does my husband.
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Dolly Welsh
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Sun, Nov 29 2015, 3:12 am
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Question for a Rav, and no Rav will answer in one word. He will want to know context. Very subtle halachich question. There are billions of words in Talmud about Gittin and who has what grievances, and who has to accommodate whom, about what. Please consult a Rav.
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tweety1
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Sun, Nov 29 2015, 3:51 am
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Well it's a yes and no. Technically we have an obligation to listen to our dh. But in reality it's a no. You have to distinguish between a normal request and an absurd request. Then there's communication if there's a decent shalom bayis.
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treestump
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Sun, Nov 29 2015, 4:10 am
No.
Though that runs contrary to everything I learned in school...
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amother
Pearl
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Sun, Nov 29 2015, 5:29 am
some women thrive on letting their husbands be in charge and make decisions etc, and yes even telling them what to do. some women feel "safe" like this and cared for
obviously it takes a special man to wear that mantle of authority while.being kind and sensitive too.
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yksraya
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Sun, Nov 29 2015, 8:29 am
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Marriage is a joined union. We respect our dh's decisions or requests, but we don't "have to obey" the way a 5 yr old has to "obey". If the request ia reasonable I don't see why not please your dh. But if it's something that you really really don't want, you need to comunicate it and he should respect your decision too.
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PinkFridge
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Sun, Nov 29 2015, 8:38 am
I would say, she should take him very seriously. Not even from a halachic angle but to make him happy, which is so much a part of a healthy marriage.
Yes, there is the concept of the isha kesheira oseh retzon baalah* but there is also the concept of being an ezer k'negdo, emphasis on the k'negdo, which also comes up in the healthiest of marriages.
You have got and will get, I'm sure, some fine insight here. I do hope you have someone to bounce this off of in real life.
*And for men, there's being mechabed his wife yoser m'gufo. I've heard it said that the chaval is that the men fixate on the women's imperative and vice versa instead of on their own.
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amother
Chocolate
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Sun, Nov 29 2015, 8:48 am
| PinkFridge wrote: | I would say, she should take him very seriously. Not even from a halachic angle but to make him happy, which is so much a part of a healthy marriage.
Yes, there is the concept of the isha kesheira oseh retzon baalah* but there is also the concept of being an ezer k'negdo, emphasis on the k'negdo, which also comes up in the healthiest of marriages.
You have got and will get, I'm sure, some fine insight here. I do hope you have someone to bounce this off of in real life.
*And for men, there's being mechabed his wife yoser m'gufo. I've heard it said that the chaval is that the men fixate on the women's imperative and vice versa instead of on their own. |
Thank you for emphasizing healthy.
For many women in unhealthy dynamics, this dictum is used as a tool to control and abuse.
In some segments of the frum community, this takes place on a communal level, where women are told to submit to their husbands in every way no matter how insane the demands, and "everything will be great".
"Turn your husband into a king and he will treat you like a queen" was not said for emotionally unhealthy situations. If a woman feels manipulated into doing what she doesn't want or can't, she should speak to a professional or do her research well before speaking to a rav. Not all of them understand problematic dynamics, and their advice, which works for regular situations, can make matters worse in some cases.
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sneakermom
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Sun, Nov 29 2015, 9:37 am
In a good marriage there is a balance of power. In which sometimes the husband listens to the wife and sometimes the wife to the husband.
Communication and really hearing each other out is key.
I do give a certain traditional respect to my husband as head of the household. Especially in front of my kids. Like I might say, "we do what Totty says".
But between ourselves we are on the same page. That's how we like it as mature adults that are in a loving relationship.
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Laiya
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Sun, Nov 29 2015, 10:15 am
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This sounds to me like a branch of a Christian belief, where the wife must "obey". (google "quiverfull" if you're interested)
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amother
Ecru
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Sun, Nov 29 2015, 10:28 am
This is all very tricky. I know many people IRL who were told by their kallah teachers/rabbi "Ose Retzon Balah" but were being controlled/abused. Obviously in a healthy marriage where there is no addiction/abuse she should always respect her DH and respectfully discuss a disagreement.
I think people misunderstand obey. We are supposed to always show respect! And to everyone for that matter!
Anon bec I'm spouse of addict and B"H found good rebbi who understood that I have to not obey and set strict boundaries!!
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