I want to give , DH doesnt

amother

Yellow

Thu, Dec 10 2015, 4:45 pm

My DH is not American and I'm not sure if it has anything to do with this. I was raised to appreciate the work people do for us and to tip.
I always want to tip rebbes, busdrivers, delivery guys, my babysitter etc....but as soon as I mention it to my DH he gets really agitated. We live on a very exact and tight budget...there is no room for any extra expenses and he considers this an extra. I always write a nice Thank YOU poem , but I would love to enclose the check , but dont have the means to do it...it makes me feel so torn...I dont think the Rebbes, bus driver , babysitter know how appreciative I am...and it's Chanuka...I feel like this is one of the compromises I needed to make in my marriage...No Gift Giving, it makes me so sad....my DH just received a bonus from work and bought me a new expensive mattress ...and I'm so thankful and feel so loved, but deep down I wish I was able to divide up all that money he spent on me and wishing it could have been given as Thank Yous to the various people. Am I wrong for thinking this way?

amother

Navy

Thu, Dec 10 2015, 6:21 pm

Ure not wrong . It's just a difference of upbringing. in my family we always have gifts no matter what occasion. In my husbands family no one gives anyone anything . But over the years we adjusted . My husband understands gifts a little now. Me, well I still like giving ... But the truth is now we are on a bit of a budget, so technically I can still give... I understand I can't just run away with my thoughts and give left and right...now you can say I give less .

amother

Aquamarine

Thu, Dec 10 2015, 7:07 pm

Is he European, by any chance? Tips are not a thing in Europe, they're an American thing. It's mainly a way to pay people less than they really ought to be paid because "they'll make it up with tips". I like the European approach better, but hey, when in Rome...Obviously if you can't afford tips, then write the notes to show appreciation and don't give money you don't have. But someone should explain to your husband that tips are part of American life and you can't avoid them forever.

amother

Copper

Thu, Dec 10 2015, 9:24 pm

I am like your dh bec. I take care of the finances in the house and since we are on a very tight budget, we can't give (but we also dont have enough money to go buying a new expensive mattress...)
I really do want to give but it would mean dipping into money we dont have why? bec. where do you stop when it comes to tipping??
Right now, I am feeling very very bad about it because these class mothers are calling so many times to "REMIND ME" that I still did not give (as if it is mandatory). I dont understand --are the classmothers really callling just to remind me or to try to force me by nagging?? If it is just to remind me, dont call so many times, it is enough "reminders". Why are they allowed to give out names who did not give??isnt that lashon hara bec. they look down at those who dont give for the teachers, rebbes.....??? Feeling so down about these NAGGING MOMS!!

amother

Ecru

Fri, Dec 11 2015, 2:48 am

I am class mother and if you don't want to give them politely say I am doing my own thing. If I call and you tell me that you are giving then, yes I will call again.

And last year in my sons class half the mothers said that they were giving on their own so yes, I wrote down exactly who gave and who didn't. It's not fair to the mothers that did give to get less credit as if they gave half of the amount. If one mother didn't give I wouldn't do it.