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Bris protocols
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Rutabaga




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 23 2015, 12:18 pm
It sounds like your mechutanim are pushy kind of people used to getting their own way. You can't change them so you'll just have to live with them. And you definitely don't want to cause shalom bayis problems by complaining about them to your child.

I think this bris is already a done deal. They took over and it's too late to do anything about it. Now that you know how they operate, you can get ahead of them if and when there's another bris in the future.

Try not to be makpid on your (or rather your husband's) kavod regarding kibbudim. There will IY"H be other chances. If you want your friends and family to be able to attend the bris, matter-of-factly inform your mechutanim how many people you expect and say that of course you will cover those expenses.

Mazel tov!
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amother
Cerulean


 

Post Wed, Dec 23 2015, 12:34 pm
yes, no better gift that you can give the new parents then shalom and being mevater.

I remember a good friend of mine came to drop something off once for a shalom zachor. She commented to me that I'm so lucky that everyone is getting along. She said before her shalom zachor her parents and in-laws were switching between fighting and not talking to each other over name, kibbudim, location, etc. Its such a brachah for the couple to just have peace.
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amother
Jetblack


 

Post Wed, Dec 23 2015, 2:04 pm
amother wrote:
As far as sandek, there is a halacha. For kibbud av, the paternal grandfather is sandek for the first born boy. If parents want to give to someone else, they are supposed to first ask permission of the paternal grandfather.


There are commonly accepted practices. Not the same as halacha.
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pause




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 23 2015, 4:49 pm
I don't know if you are the mother's mother or the father's mother, but in any case, it's pretty standard for grandparents to not be consulted about where the bris is being. If we would make a bris, regardless of who pays, we would decide where it is and let our parents know. We would NOT want anyone to have any expectations regarding kibbudim.

I'm sorry you are feeling out of things, but you may be feeling more entitled than most.
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Ema of 5




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 23 2015, 5:01 pm
pause wrote:
I don't know if you are the mother's mother or the father's mother, but in any case, it's pretty standard for grandparents to not be consulted about where the bris is being. If we would make a bris, regardless of who pays, we would decide where it is and let our parents know. We would NOT want anyone to have any expectations regarding kibbudim.

I'm sorry you are feeling out of things, but you may be feeling more entitled than most.

I think you missed the part where the other set of in laws took everything over and made all the decisions, including location and kibudim.
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amother
Lavender


 

Post Wed, Dec 23 2015, 5:10 pm
amother wrote:
There are commonly accepted practices. Not the same as halacha.

I was told it is a halacha because the father has the mitzvah of kibbud av. If he is mevater the kibbud then its fine.
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pause




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 23 2015, 5:35 pm
eema of 3 wrote:
I think you missed the part where the other set of in laws took everything over and made all the decisions, including location and kibudim.
No, I missed the the part where she says that these are her daughter's in-laws. In any case, the son/father may have just been overwhelmed and because it's his job to take care of it, just handed it over to his parents to take care of. I don't think this makes them pushy. With regards to kibbudim, OP, it's time for a talk with your son-in-law. Ask him, not his parents, about his cheshbon with kibbudim. It's ok for you to point out that your DH is expecting something or that old Great-Uncle Feivish for whom it is a big effort to come should be given something significant.
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amother
Plum


 

Post Thu, Dec 24 2015, 10:11 pm
amother wrote:
B"h I became a grandmother to a grandson after several girls.
It is the other sides first grandson also.
My question is who pays for everything and who gets what kibud.
If the other side is doing the paying could I tell as many people that I want or do I have to ask them how many I could tell.
They just kind of told us they are taking everything because they are paying and didn't give us any option.


why don't you offer to pay half and split the kibudim as well?
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Dec 25 2015, 8:55 am
amother wrote:
As far as sandek, there is a halacha. For kibbud av, the paternal grandfather is sandek for the first born boy. If parents want to give to someone else, they are supposed to first ask permission of the paternal grandfather.


Not at all..... ftr some davka give to matenral grandfather
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