MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR separation anxiety = NO daycare options

amother

Tue, Dec 02 2014, 2:45 pm

My baby is 11 months old and has major separation anxiety. I had him in a large group daycare and he screamed all day for 2 weeks non-stop, shrieking hysterically. He got used to it but would cry on and off. Every weekend or vacation he would cry again. I took him out of the daycare because they wouldn't deal with his crying. They would strap him in his stroller and leave him alone in a room by himself to cry and not bother the teachers or the other kids.

I thought a small group setting would be better for him. I switched him and he still screamed all day every day. The babysitter is not willing to continue since she is not able to hold him all day since she needs to take care of other kids.

I can't find any other babysitter. No one is willing to watch a kid who screams all day non-stop. There are no private GOOD babysitters that come to your house available in the middle of the year. Anyone who wants to do that wants an easy baby. When they hear that he cries, they don't take the job or won't accept him in their group. How am I supposed to find someone who will come to my house and do private babysitting who is good in the middle of the year?

Should I stop working? What am I supposed to do? I don't want to lose my job over this. I can't handle letting him cry all day either. I can't miss a month trying to find a babysitter because I will have no job to go back to. I need a babysitter now and no one is willing to deal with him.

Please, please, please help. I need advice and I only want a reliable, loving babysitter who will be willing to hold him all day. He is super clingy and attached to me and doesn't get used to new people.

amother

Tue, Dec 02 2014, 3:02 pm

As a mommy with a baby like that and as a babysitter I feel your pain. it can Take a baby like that about a month to be comfortable and warm up with a lot of love and care. crying in another room will not help and might feel neglected unless it's just by nap time . my baby was crazy but since I babysit wasn't as hard but it was hard for my sanity. so in the summer I did a camp and switched with a mom her camper for my baby it about 11 months too. it took almost the whole summer for him to be ok but now he loves her and I have a backup and he's getting better in general in your case look for a place with 2 sitters or maybe offer like $1 more an hour be understanding to the adjustment period maybe have a girl of family member play with the baby over weekends to help adjust more to new people with you not in the room

amother

Tue, Dec 02 2014, 3:11 pm

Not sure where you are located but I just had a temporary job similar to this and it took time but the kid and I ended up being best of friends.

The baby was a very anxious baby and in the beginning refused to leave the comfort of his stroller but I weaned him with time....

When you find the right person you need to be accepting that he will scream and cry and it's ok. If he is in the right, capable hands he will not feel neglected and will come to get used to/like his new babysitter.

You do not need to take such drastic measures to quit your job...the baby needs to learn to be a little more independent and it'll be good for both you and baby if you go through with letting someone else take care of him.

As an experienced babysitter, I do say that I wouldn't turn down your child even if he came with the forewarning that he will cry a lot but if I know that you will be stressed out and on impatient to see results that he is comfortable I will be hesitant to take the job. You need to be OK with the fact that it will take some time for getting used to and let things play out on it's own. If he knows mommy is immediately going to jump in and take him away he will be incessant with his crying.

MaBelleVie

Tue, Dec 02 2014, 3:17 pm

That sounds so difficult. He is probably traumatized from his experience, which is only making him more anxious. If you can find a private babysitter to come to your home you can probably make it work by easing the transition very slowly. You would have her come while you're home a number of time and she would just be there to get used to her presence. Then eventually you would be in a different room for one minute and build up until he can tolerate being with her alone. Does he do this with everyone, or is he OK with some family members? Any option of them babysitting for you?

amother

Tue, Dec 02 2014, 3:22 pm

amother wrote:

So are you saying that would make him feel better? Just to be held? But then you say he doesn't get used to strangers...so?

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Dec 02 2014, 5:04 pm

One can never get another job when this blows over? What?

The replacement woman won't work out. Check in often with the boss as your baby matures. Be very cheery and friendly. Keep in touch socially with your co-workers, lots. Stay up with the news in the industry. Bring the kid in a carrier to have lunch with someone there. Tell the boss you need a few months because the kid has difficulties. Don't say what difficulties. Be airy - babies are like that. It's only for a while. You will see what you can do later. Of course you understand they will hire someone else.

She may work out but it is quite possible she won't. Standard probation time is three months. At the end of month two, when the decision to keep her or not is being made, call the boss and say you want the job back if it's available.

You will have an older baby then and you might still have your job.

When this guy has shoulders and stubble you do not want a difficult son in the house. Fear it.

chatouli

Tue, Dec 02 2014, 6:42 pm

My second was like this. He wasn't in day care but with a sitter. She started caring for him at 9 months and by 18 months the situation was so bad I quit my job (I had other reasons too, but I loved my job and it was a very tough call). Now he's almost three and he still has separation anxiety but it's manageable. He goes to preschool and I can't use the carpool lane. I have to walk him in, sit with him for a few minutes until the teachers bring the other kids, and then he feels ready to say goodbye.

So my advice if quitting isn't an option is to get a private babysitter who understands her job is to make him comfortable. She shouldn't ever do housework while he's awake. She can't use the phone except in emergency. She has to keep him busy and distracted. Walks in the stroller, trips to the library, play dates with other babies, the park in decent weather, etc. A baby that age can be distracted and entertained as long as it's done lovingly. MaBelleVie gave good ideas about introducing her into his life.

If my babysitter had been better, perhaps I could've kept my job, but I didn't realize she wasn't doing enough for him until it was too late and he was already pretty traumatized. If you find a good babysitter, I think you can probably make it work. Then when he's older, day care may be a better choice. If/when I go back one day, I'd do day care for my son. But as a baby/young toddler, I think a babysitter in your house is your only good option. Good luck.

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Dec 02 2014, 10:56 pm

Try to fix the two weeks of damage already done.

If you got into a fracas, lost your purse, couldn't prove who you were, were charged with being somebody else, not allowed to make any phone calls, and found yourself incarcerated in a strange town for two weeks until it dawned on the authorities that no, your family weren't lying, you weren't that other person, and no, you actually didn't steal the fruit, you had bought it, but you didn't get a receipt, and the fruit seller was crazy, and fine, you were released.

After two weeks. In the pokey in a strange country. In solitary. Where you didn't speak the language. In solitary. The turnkey came by occasionally, grunted, gave you some juice or something and went away. For hours. And you never knew when it was going to end. Or if it would ever end.

You too might be a bit testy.

If you have savings to keep you from losing your home, or family you can call on, you are not going to work for a while.

At the moment is the EASY PART. He can't talk yet.

Please use enlightened self-interest: you are going to be sharing a kitchen and bathroom with this person, your son, for maybe fifteen years or so give or take. Whether he is nice is partly in your hands. You will be the one there, eating your own cooking.

In matters of child rearing, you are going to be eating your own cooking.

Stuff happens. You won't be in the office for a while.

ComputerGranny

Mon, Jan 18 2016, 5:47 am

[quote="Dolly Welsh"]Try to fix the two weeks of damage already done.

If you got into a fracas, lost your purse, couldn't prove who you were, were charged with being somebody else, not allowed to make any phone calls, and found yourself incarcerated in a strange town for two weeks until it dawned on the authorities that no, your family weren't lying, you weren't that other person, and no, you actually didn't steal the fruit, you had bought it, but you didn't get a receipt, and the fruit seller was crazy, and fine, you were released."

Don't think I agree with this. One of my daughters was like this - and in some ways still is. It is nice to be loved and needed, but even when she was a teenager she find reasons to stand outside of the bathroom door. Some kids are just like that. Sometimes its personality, and sometimes the kid was/needs control of mommy to feel safe.

This age tends to be a suspicious and more aware of "The Other", which is normal and natural. Especially if they aren't used to lots of different people that Mommy thinks is safe.

Don't know what else you can do with this one except - accept the situation as one that you will both have to live through and that it will get better, eventually.

For next time, think about exposing the new baby to more people you like.