Need Tips From Moms of SPIRITED Children

amother

Aquamarine

Wed, Jan 20 2016, 9:23 pm

I am soooo drained and fed up from 7 yr old DD behavior. I am finding it so hard to be loving and patient with her but her behavior is seriously shoving me off the edge. Explosive tantrums, manipulative way of dealing with others when she's upset, her blood curdling screams...It's just SO HARD. SHe takes away all of the attention and I am left depleted when it comes to dealing with the other kids...Standard discipline methods dont work with her and I have so far been unsuccessful in teaching her how to learn to control herself. She has become worse than ever lately. And her never ending energy makes it even more exhausting...

Anyone out there with helpful tips?

the world's best mom

Wed, Jan 20 2016, 9:37 pm

BTDT. Some of the best methods that worked for my dc:

-I made a star chart with 30 boxes. I set a timer for 30 minutes. Every time kid misbehaves- there was a list of a few things that we would consider misbehaving- I reset the timer back to 30. When timer dings, kid gets to fill in a box on chart. Kid chose a prize for each completed chart.

-I gave each of my kids a chain of 20 paper clips, which we hang on the wall with their name on their chain. Each time a kid hurts or bothers someone, he has to give his victim one paper clip- but if the kid hurts him back, then they are even and nobody gives or gets any clips. We count them at the end of each week and whoever has the most gets a prize. Then we restart it with 20 clips per kid.

The great thing about these techniques is that they involve a simple consequence that does not involve any action from the kid. There's no fighting with the kid to get into time out or count or anything.

amother

Goldenrod

Wed, Jan 20 2016, 10:24 pm

My spirited 6 yr old dd, has a sensory processing disorder, and she is very difficult for me. You might want to look into an ot eval, this way of yours does have spd, you can fi,d the proper methods to help her.

Its still very hard for us. Dd won't do anything that the ot suggested, bc I am the one asking her, and insurance only covered 5 sessions. But, hopefully you will get the right tools to help your child.

mommyla

Wed, Jan 20 2016, 11:50 pm

the world's best mom wrote:

Love the paper clip idea!

animeme

Thu, Jan 21 2016, 7:34 am

I'm confused about the paper clips. If a child works very hard but slips up once or twice at hitting back or whatever, he doesn't get the prize if someone else holds themselves back just one more time? Three kids working but only one can get rewarded? My spirited kid would hit the kid who wins just for winning.

The timer idea is interesting. How do you deal with frustration when the timer is at 2 minutes and they slip up?

amother

Goldenrod

Thu, Jan 21 2016, 10:46 am

Op look up zones of regulation. Its a method that helps your child realize which "zone" their body is in, and ways to stay/get back in the "green" zone. We have zone pictures hanging all over the house and when dd is heading out of the green zone, she has to look at the chart and figure out a way to regulate herself.
When dd is in the green zone, you discuss ways that help her calm down when she gets out of the zone.

amother

Aquamarine

Thu, Jan 21 2016, 3:17 pm

amother wrote:

sounds like a great idea, but what do you do once she is in "freak out mode"? I cant talk to her!

Ive tried to speak to her about it when shes calm, asking her for ideas on what helps her stay calm and she just says "Dunno"

I agree that charts and prizes dont work for her particular nature because she manipulates her way into getting the prize and goes ballistic when she cant.

Ive promised her something special if she just walks through the door from school and says "Hello Mommy" without pouting, whining, complaining (transitions are hard for her)...as soon as she realizes that she couldnt control herself and thats why she isnt getting what I promised, BAAAAAM! Crying

5*Mom

Thu, Jan 21 2016, 3:34 pm

amother wrote:

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, please get yourself a copy of The Explosive Child.

amother

Goldenrod

Thu, Jan 21 2016, 4:31 pm

When your child is in the red zone, you don't deal with the behavior at that moment. If she is safe where she is, you can take the other kids and go to another room. If she is like my dd, then you may just need to literally pick her up and lock her into her room. I know, it sounds horrible. Once she is familiar with the zones, all you say is "you are in the red zone, so you will be in your room until you are back in the green". You don't have to say anything else.

Also, when you see she is headingng towards the red or yellow zone, you do what you can before she explodes. We have an Ikea indoor ekoree swing, which I ask her to go swing on, or a sensory toy box that she can play with, sometimes she just needs to go by herself to color with music. Its not fool proof, but it sometimes helps.

Hashem_Yaazor

Thu, Jan 21 2016, 7:42 pm

This is how I view it:
The key is to start the tantrums before they start. Watch out for the warning signs, and step back, and get your child to a calmer place by diffusing the situation unless it's really something dangerous.
After the child is calm, discuss what happened -- what she wanted, her feelings, her reactions.
Teach her to notice the warning signs herself.
Offer lots of close physical contact if possible. One of my children noticed my back scratching really helped and now asks me to give it. Sometimes a tight hug is appreciated. Sometimes none in the moment, but after.
Envision new scenarios and sounds them out with your child to habituate other reactions. There is a game online you can print called "Don't Be Mad" (I think). Play it.

amother

Aquamarine

Thu, Jan 21 2016, 11:05 pm

Ok, the book sounds great, sadly I didnt realize she was that much of an explosive child until you ppl mentioned it. I love the tips some of you gave. Will try them.

I wish that I can learn how to deal with her. I have parenting down pat until I have to deal with her, and ironically her sibs are angelic sheep (so easygoing, adorable, gentle personalities...) and my nature is also polar opposite to her, I am a very contained, calm type... so her behavior is really making me feel very incompetent and dysfunctional. I'm so embarrassed when she does this in front of others

the world's best mom

Thu, Jan 21 2016, 11:08 pm

animeme wrote:

You have a point that competing against the other kids when not everyone wins may not be the best way to do it. Any ideas of how I can change that? So far it has worked well for us the way I do it.

For the timer, there were times when I would say there are only 2 minutes left so I'll count it as though it was 30 minutes already. other times I didn't feel it was the right thing to do. And yes, it was not pretty.

amother

Ginger

Thu, Jan 21 2016, 11:21 pm

amother wrote:

I think you may have lucked out with the other easy going/gentler ones. Most people I know do not have all their kids like that. Also, you descibe your easy ones as adorable. Is your difficult child not also adorable???.
I have one that can really act out... alot. He is adorable and I really have a soft spot for him, despite the fact that he can be sooo difficult, head strong, tantrums, break things etc. etc. Dh and I have put alot of effort into seeing what makes him tick and pre-empting his explosive episodes
I also have one child who is isnt difficult per se, but I just dont relate to her and I find she does annoying things. I work very hard to cultivate a relationship with her and appreciate her for who she is. It has definitely helped...
I know your child is difficult! Maybe you can reframe and also see her as adorable,yummy and delicious while also doing the many good parenting suggestions here.
Remember, no child chooses to be difficult or explosive or to have a sensory disorder...