Whining=torture for me

ilovethecold

Sat, Jan 30 2016, 11:59 pm

I would really appreciate any suggestions that might help my relationship with my VERY independently-minded, sometimes volatile, usually adorable almost 3 year old. While I am a warm, caring, and highly expressive/loving mom, I have had this not-so-little "problem" since she was a newborn: when she cries/whines (which she does a lot; I assume it's because she knows how to "get" to me?), I cannot function until she stops. Seriously. It's like a racket in my brain and no matter how hard I try, I usually lose patience with her and end up angry with myself at how I reacted.

I am VERY nervous because I am due in June with my second, I work FT (by choice), and when she is not whining, I have all the patience in the world. Can any of you please offer advice on how to (a) get her to stop/lessen her whining and/or (b) get me to be able to "deal" with her whining? I have already read the "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen" book :/

Sadie

Sun, Jan 31 2016, 5:54 am

I am not a mother but I have been a nanny to the same kids for several years and I have a whining strategy that works pretty well. That strategy is that anything they ask for by whining is an automatic no. Even if it was something that I would have otherwise agreed to. I give only one reminder. If they start to whine for something I say, "asking nicely means maybe yes and maybe no, but whining means always no". And that works for them. It took a while for them to learn that I mean business so in the beginning you have be more stubborn than a toddler (which luckily for me I am, and I can tune out tantrums as long as I need to, and they know it)

chani8

Sun, Jan 31 2016, 6:56 am

You are somehow triggered by her crying, triggered into a pain reaction, and you cannot get past your own pain/discomfort. The solution is to acknowledge your triggered feelings, acknowledge and deal with them, and ideally heal them.

A practical way to deal with this whole situation is to contemplate and decide the reaction you want to give her, and simply, execute it regularly, as awkward as it may be at first. "Oh, mommy loves you, why are you crying/whining?" You dont have to feel what you say, but say it anyway.

A well known cure for whining is to stop whatever you are doing and look her in the eyes and be there for her, instantly. Just a few minutes of deep connection, undivided attention, is the cure.

Most effective if you can catch her as soon as she starts the behavior, before you are triggered. The quicker you act interested, the quicker it will snap her out of her habit (get to her before she goes glossy-eyed), and prevent you from being too triggered to care.

miami85

Sun, Jan 31 2016, 7:52 am

I had a very similar problem with my own son--drove me CRAZY, over time I realized that 9/10 times his whining spells were a signal that he had to go to the bathroom--even #2 that was making him crampy and gassy (started using a product to help calm the gas and it helped as well), and now I send him when he starts that. On occasion it happens that his whining was a sign that he was overtired, and just "holding out" on sleep. I would just IGNORE him and he would fall asleep.

That said I also would recondition him to "ask nicely" or "I don't understand that tone of voice" and if he whines now he often self-corrects without the whine or just a minimal reminder. It took a long time, but I am seeing results of reconditioning him out of the whine.

Sun, Jan 31 2016, 9:28 am

Make sure she does not need to whine. It seems counterintuitive, almost as if you are rewarding a difficult child for being difficult, but give her lots and lots of attention, anticipating her needs and wants. If you give your child what she wants or needs after she starts whining, it will reinforce the effectiveness of whining and she will do it more.

As the saying goes, catch her being good (or demonstrating desired behaviors), and make sure those behaviors are rewarded. Model the desired behavior ("did I just hear my bubbule say "please help me with my shoes?" Of course I will help you!").

Sorry, no time to type more right now.

It takes effort, but will pay off if consistently applied.

chani8

Sun, Jan 31 2016, 10:38 am

cm wrote:

I agree with all the bolded, as it is exactly how I was taught. I do want to debate a bit about reinforcing bad behavior. Children are not lab rats. They dont require fear of pavlovian conditioning to such an extent that we need to be afraid to respond to bad behavior, to be so afraid of negative conditioning. Our children wont whine more when we start paying attention to them because they whined. When they get their needs met, they stop whining. When that happens, we get positively reinforced for our good behavior of meeting their needs. I'm kind of joking but not. My main point is, it's ok to handle this imperfectly, as long as you get to the part of meeting your child's needs, which is the core reason they whine.