Need chizzuk PLEASE

amother

Mustard

Thu, Feb 18 2016, 1:09 pm

I need chizzuk badly. I am raising a large family (kah), including one child with special needs. The kids are all school-age and are all involved in different things, happy but very busy - and in addition, there are always things (sometimes less fun) that pop up with their schools and teachers and all of that. I have a little household help once a week but do the majority of the housework myself (my husband is unable to help much due to work schedule, and that is more than okay with me). I also work outside the home 20-30 hours a week. I think I just need someone to validate me that it is a LOT. I feel very underappreciated at times, most particularly by my husband's family, which I struggle with because I crave their acceptance and even their gratitude for the home I work very hard to create for their own child and grandchildren. I take a lot of pride in my mothering and housework and meals and I feel so sad and so hurt when family either doesn't understand how exhausting it is/I and think I should be doing things differently or more, or when I receive shame or disdain from them outright or passively. Yesterday I stood up for myself somewhat but it was hard and felt bad. I feel like I am rambling but I am just so sad and so tired and I want to feel accepted and appreciated (I know that might come off as selfish). My husband is very kind and appreciates everything a lot, but also is very committed to not rocking sholom bayis boats too much with his family. Thank you for reading and for your advice. I don't know how to go on sometimes and I feel sad.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Feb 18 2016, 1:14 pm

There are some great books out there for you, like "Codependent No More" and "When I Say No I Feel Guilty". These books were written in the 70's at the beginning of the self help movement, but they are still classics. You could probably pick them up at a second hand shop for pennies, or check your local library.

If it helps, it sounds to me like you are doing an awesome job, and being a great mom.

Hug

myym

Thu, Feb 18 2016, 1:15 pm

I am here to validate. I have 5 kids bH and one with special needs and it really isn't easy. At all. I also work full time, but have a babysitter at home who also cleans. I just want to say regarding your husbands family that they can't imagine what its like to have a child with special needs (unless they have one). It is great that your husband is appreciative. Tell yourself that only Hashem knows how hard you really work. You are doing what you do for HIM and you are doing a great job.
I highly recommend the book Living with Emuna 1 and 2. It really helps me through everything!! (isn't there always something..)

imasinger

Thu, Feb 18 2016, 1:31 pm

To summarize:

You are doing a lot.

Your DH's family is critical and doesn't seem to recognize or appreciate all of your efforts.

This makes you feel hurt and sad.

You are wondering how to help them understand and appreciate all that you are dealing with and doing.

Is that right?

I'm sorry to say that there is almost nothing that you can do to help them understand and appreciate you. And even if they do, but just have the habit of speaking coldly and critically, there isn't much you can do about that either. Nor is there much that your DH can do.

What you CAN do about the situation is work on your own reaction. See if you can figure out why you are so sensitive, how you can set reasonable boundaries, and how to meet your needs for approval with other people than your IL's. If you learn to recognize it as their problem rather than yours, then you can laugh it off a lot more readily.

Easier said than done, but it is possible. I recommend Harriet Lerner's book, "The Dance of Anger."