I love my daughters in law... but!

amother

Fuchsia

Tue, Mar 08 2016, 11:57 am

amother wrote:

For everyone who says it's easier to be home because your kids have their stuff and you can clean at your own pace - are you inviting your in-laws for shabbos? No? Because it's work to make extra beds and cook for other people?

It's true that some young families don't have room for guests. If you live in an area where going to parents for shabbos is standard, though, you'll probably be able to borrow an empty apartment.

Either visit graciously or host graciously. And the grandparents need to do their part by visiting rather than insisting that everyone come to them.

I don't live in the same city as my in-laws but they usually come a couple shabnosim a year (and we go them)
I help my mil at her house whas I go and she helps me. But I still feel guilty when I go put my kids to bed and come back to clean up and she did it already band then will say something about leaving stuff around. And when she comes to me she's cleaning up their toys literally while they are playing with them (yes they left a car under the table.... They will be back for it in 5 min.....) But I feel so judged when she keeps cleaning up in my (small) apartment.

I help her serve and clear when I can as well as prep. (Tho I do apologize I can't help more cause need to supervise the kids.) She does do things in very specific ways so when I do prep I'm constantly badgering her with questions how she wants it. When my sil (her daughter) is there, I usually try to watch all the kids outside while she helps in the kitchen since she knows how things are done.

As for clearing up, I often wish she wouldn't when she comes. It doesn't really help me that much to have the whole table emptied at once. I prefer to do one thing at a time, put it away and go for more. Otherwise there's a lack of space and not enough room. I've even told her its fine I'll get it but she won't hear of it. Would be better for me if she'd go read to the kids or something while I clean up.

So yes I've been on both ends and always feel inadequate whether in her house or mine. And I do help as much as I can. But I do feel it's easier by me cause even if she's picking up toys a lot.... At least my house is my house and kid friendly and I don't need to be on high alert keeping track of my sensory seeking son every second of the day.

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Mar 08 2016, 12:57 pm

I understand dil's points of view that it's hard to help etc, but I really think if you put the effort and organize you will be able to help without just giving excuses. sometimes I need to nurse the baby like half an hr into the meal, so if possible, obviously not with a newborn, I will try to feed the baby half an hour early so I can be there by the meal, serve etc. or go feed the baby at a good time, like right after clearing up the first course. etc.
as well, it's an unwritten law between me and DH that when it's clearing and serving time, I get up and he watches the kids for those few minutes. Let's not exaggerate, it usually only takes a couple of minutes to clear the table, and I'm not going to even get into the fact that he will watch the kids so I can help do the dishes by some of the courses.
but really I know we would all love the vacation and break at our inlaws but we still need to have decent manners and be helpful. and for all those that are saying they are doing their inlaws a favor for coming, of course it's easier for everyone to stay home, but at the end of the day they are your inlaws and deserve respect attention and yes basic manners from you.

imaima

Tue, Mar 08 2016, 2:54 pm

amother wrote:

Don't get me started on clearing things while they are being used! I sit down to drink coffee, get asked by a kid to zip up the dress or comb their hair, and turn around to an empty table and my cup is standing clean at the sink.

dizzy

Tue, Mar 08 2016, 8:55 pm

amother wrote:

See the two bolded parts, which are conflicting. You say you would ask dh to hold baby so you can help clear off. But you say your sons are helping. So you are upset that your dil is holding baby and son is helping, instead of vice versa?

You gotta expect that one of them at least will be busy with the kids. If the other is helping, as you say your sons are, what are you complaining about???????

I really don't understand the connection. Firstly, I was referring to the occasional times when I was unable to help throughout the entire meal for whatever reason (which barely happened since I would usually find a few moments to bring something in to the table). When I was busy with the baby he would help and when I wanted to help and was too busy with the kids I would ask him to watch the baby for a couple of minutes.

Let me clarify. I don't expect my dil and son to both drop their children and just get to work. My sons help after the meal. my dils help neither before, during, or after the meal. There are plenty other occasions where they can help out. We have lots of people to serve and when there's only one person taking in one portion and another and another it can be tiring and a second helping hand would always be appreciated. Forget the clearing away after the meal. I don't think it's a contradiction. Dils should try to help, regardless.