Help me decide to push my child ahead or leave back

amother

Burgundy

Mon, Mar 28 2016, 9:25 am

My son is 4 and extremely bright. He has a December birthday. His teachers are pulling him out of class to do enrichment work because he starting to read already and he can do basic math. I would never consider pushing him ahead. He was with some of these kids last year and he loves his friends. He would be so sad if I took him away from them.

amother

Yellow

Mon, Mar 28 2016, 9:39 am

I think it's a combination of social AND academics that need to be taken into consideration.

I myself repeated kindergarten even though I was ahead academically in math and reading, for social reasons. I think it was the best decision my parents made for me. I sailed thru school academically, and I did better socially and am more confident today than those of my siblings who were on the younger spectrum in their grades.

I have a child who is very, very petite, and she also struggled academically. Her birthday is end of September. I mentioned the idea of keeping her back for a second year of Pre-1-A to her school, since she struggled so much with Kriah and was so tiny, no one would have guessed she wasn't younger. Her school was against the idea saying she was still "fine" academically and had strong social skills being the class "cutie", and her birthday was not November-December.....

Fast forward by the time she was in 5th grade, still struggling academically, still tiny in size like a 2nd grader, it began to affect her socially. She felt intimidated by some of the very big kids in school, wishing she were taller....hating that everyone treated her like a baby...feeling anxious about friends...hating being a late bloomer physically.....To this day I regret not going with my mother instinct and keeping her back. B"H she's doing fine today (still petite but okay) but I feel her school years could have been more positive and easier.

Chayalle

Mon, Mar 28 2016, 9:43 am

amother wrote:

My daughter is the youngest I pushed her ahead and she is top in her class socially the most popular and everyone wants to be her friend.

Usually a child who has social issues probably would have them if they are left behind to.

I have a relative whose birthday is December 25th. Her parents pushed her ahead as she was socially strong - the type who was Queen Esther in the play and class queen at recess time....but she has told me that she was always anxious inside, and she also struggled in certain subjects. She feels her parents should have kept her back, she would've been more confident.

I do agree that certain social issues are not "cured" by being kept back. I have another relative who is B"AH the brilliant, geeky type...she was kept back for social/maturity reasons that were not helped at all by keeping her back, and I don't think she gained anything. All they got was paying an extra year of tuition, really.

baba

Mon, Mar 28 2016, 9:43 am

I think it really depends on the school he's in. Do they have the ability to stimulate the child? My son is like the amother above. Reading Hebrew and English and doing math, all self tought. However, his teachers were both new and were not able to deal with a kid with his needs. I therefore regret not pushing for him to go up this year. He has not been challenged at all and now, whenever something is a little hard for him it is VERY hard to motivate him. He really wasnt himself when I would pick him up and he stopped wanting to learn things. He was also acting out in class.
It was recommended to me to push him up now, mid year, but now he has a new teacher who he really seems to like and she is much more on top of things. He seems to be doing better. And the group above him is having teacher problems as well, so I dont want to go there again right now.

I dont think there is one right answer to this question, it depends on so many factors and in the end we'll never know if we made the right decision.

amother

Mustard

Mon, Mar 28 2016, 12:13 pm

So it seems that struggling students are expected to be helped, but 'no one was ever harmed from being the brightest/bored'

But that is nonsense. In the current environment, I would push ahead because if they end up lagging behind, at least they will get support. If they need enrichment, chances are they'll just end up being pushed onto Ritalin so they'll be quiet.

amother

Seashell

Mon, Mar 28 2016, 12:25 pm

My daughter is November, she is the oldest in her grade (December is the real deadline).
She is b'h doing great (1st grade) and probably the top of the youngest class. she was socially, emotionally and educationally ready, I believe all 3 are very important. Everyone agreed it would be detrimental to hold her back and her teachers now say she is an example of a child who should not be held back.

I have another November child now that I'm debating if I should send to school next year. They are waiting to do interviews of children whose birthdays are in October until later in the year to see if they are ready and will also require an evaluation. She knows all Aleph Bais very well, can write her name in hebrew and is very bright (knows hebrew months, shevatim, all parshios, etc). But I'm not sure about the emotional aspect yet. I'm applying to school and will go through all the ropes and will see much closer to the start of the year what I will actually do.

What does her current teacher think?

amother

Lilac

Mon, Mar 28 2016, 12:41 pm

My DS is born Nov 3rd . his yeshiva cutoff is nov 1. I am "pushing ahead" ie keeping him in his grade and not having him repeat pre-k.
I feel like academically, he is already bored, trying to read, trying to figure out nekudos, and can use it.
socially, he has friends, and wouldn't want to move him to a new social circle
my DH was held back and was oldest in his class and hated it cuz he was oldest but NOT smartest so he felt stupid.
I feel like he can repeat a grade in the future if necessary but it is socially much harder to skip a grade.

wiki

Mon, Mar 28 2016, 2:36 pm

Note: The point I'll make below should really not be your main consideration, and I'm not at all suggesting that it should be. I just want to point it out to get it on the radar screen.

I was pushed ahead a year, two months past the cutoff date, and was always (pretty much) the youngest in the class. While I was physically a late bloomer and middle school was awkward, it probably would have been even if I were a grade below. I never regretted being in the more advanced grade and it was always something I was proud of. It was great to graduate high school at barely 17.5, and to finish Seminary at barely 18.5. No one started to nag me about dating for a good year and half after I started college.

I had a classmate, a good friend, who had been held back a year in preschool and was actually a year and a half older than me. I'm sure this was a great move on her parents' part and she did well in the class she was in. One downside, many years down the road, was that she came back from shana bet at 21 years old, and--while I blame the terrible guys and their families who held any stigma against this--this factor did make it harder for her as she felt tremendous pressure to get somewhere with dating fast. She kind of lost her carefree early twenties because she was already "older" when she began college.