Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
Dh won't let me tell anyone



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother
Lilac


 

Post Fri, Apr 01 2016, 3:26 pm
Five year old ds was just diagnosed with autism. He is on the milder end of the spectrum, so while the situation has its challenges, I don't think it's devastating or really all that terrible. Bh he is very bright and verbal and of course we make sure he is getting the right support, so I'm not terribly worried about his future. He will be able to live a normal life. There's also a sense of relief that we have a word for what's going on and his therapists can now work specifically with the autism and not just the "issues", so all the better.
Anyway, Dh has said we must not tell anyone. BTW, it is no secret that ds gets services and has some delays, gets special accommodations at school, so it's not like he's ashamed of his kid needing help. He just doesn't want to use the dreaded A-word. I think he's being unfair. I could use support, especially from certain family and friends. In fact, I myself have a sibling with mild autism, so my parents are the best people to talk to about this! It's not like I'm putting this on Facebook or branding myself as an autism mom. I feel though that I have the right to not hide who my son is and to talk honestly with people who I know will be supportive. I'm really upset that Dh wants to keep this as some big secret.
Back to top

greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 01 2016, 3:40 pm
this isn't the early 1900s where kids with issues should be hidden ...

I agree you'll get more understanding being open & honest about his issues
Back to top

imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 01 2016, 3:46 pm
I think your DH is wrong to try to hide this, and totally out of line in telling you that you have to keep this a secret from your own family.

As I see it, you might do best to either: 1) give him time -- wait a few months until he has gotten past the initial feelings, and raise the question again, or 2) tell him that you sympathize with his concerns, but your needs in processing this count for 50% of this marriage, and it is unfair for him to try to control you. You might add that you can ask family members not to discuss this around him, though.

Hugs and hatzlacha! If your parents have spent much time around DS, I wouldn't be surprised if your parents suspected this, so it's probably no great surprise to tell them.
Back to top

greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 01 2016, 3:53 pm
imasinger wrote:
I think your DH is wrong to try to hide this, and totally out of line in telling you that you have to keep this a secret from your own family....

2) tell him that you sympathize with his concerns, but your needs in processing this count for 50% of this marriage, and it is unfair for him to try to control you. ...


I had to quote & emphasize the above Thumbs Up
Back to top

amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Fri, Apr 01 2016, 3:59 pm
Even if it's not the early 1900ds people are still so judgmental to these labels. But u shud definitely be able to discuss it with family. My child was also diagnosed with a very mild case and it was super hard. But the moment I shared with people that I trusted I felt a big burden off my shoulders. Was so good to hear advice from people that r not directly involved and have a diff view. U don't and shud not have to go thru this alone. Men have a diff view on things. And sum men can handle things better than the woman cse they r not as emotionally invested. sum men r ok dealing with things on their own. As woman we need all the support we can get. Good luck.
Back to top

flmommy




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 01 2016, 5:10 pm
What if for now you only tell family? A partial compromise.
Back to top

seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 01 2016, 5:19 pm
I see both sides here very much, and I say until you reach some kind of agreement (I agree with the reply above suggesting he may mellow with time) you need to respect DH's wishes for the simple reason that you can't un-tell. You can always switch from not telling to telling, but once you tell there's no going back. Besides, there's room to argue that it's not your information to share - your child will grow up with this reality and you have no way of knowing whether or not he will want other people to know about it. Especially if it continues to be mild, he will likely want to fully integrate and may not appreciate people looking at him differently because they know he has a diagnosis. I'm not saying I agree with people looking differently, I'm saying they will whether or not it's called for.

If it is not a secret that DS gets services and has issues, then I don't honestly think you will get any more mileage out of telling people he has ASD. Despite some recent progress, the world at large does not have such a fabulous understanding of this and your DS may be subject to a lot of unhelpful stereotypes once the label gets out. Any support and sympathy you need you can get by talking about the specific problems without the context of ASD - you can say "my son is sensitive to noise so it's really hard to go to events as a family" or "Joshie has a hard time with some social skills, do you know a good therapy group?" or whatever it is you were hoping to get support with from telling people about the problem.

If you want to negotiate on one point, it would be your parents. If you are very sure that they would respect your [husband's] wish for privacy then maybe he could agree to you telling them on the condition that you tell them it's private.
Back to top

little_mage




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 01 2016, 6:06 pm
I hear you. My son was recently diagnosed with ASD, and I suspect he is very similar to yours. There was something mildy off, which is why we went to the doctor in the first place, but it's mild enough that I'm sometimes feeling like going at it from the ASD angle is counterproductive. I've told family members, and a couple of close friends, but otherwise, I have been rather closed mouthed about it. Really, for a lot of the same reasons Seeker mentioned-given how mild things are, with appropriate therapy now, hopefully by the time he's a teenager even, it won't be an issue, and I don't want a potentially negative judgment to follow him for longer then it has to.

That being said, you have a right to talk about it too. Is there history of confidential things being told from your family? If so, then your DH has a bit more of case. If not, I would say that talking to your parents, especially since they have experience, may be something that he needs to compromise on.
Back to top

amother
Puce


 

Post Fri, Apr 01 2016, 6:26 pm
your husband has a good point on this one. Why should your son be looked at as if there is a labeled problem? He is too young now to decide for himself how much privacy he wants, and that is his decision.

You can get support without the label.
Back to top
Page 1 of 1 Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Kids shabbos shoes affordable. Let's make a list!
by amother
63 Yesterday at 10:17 pm View last post
Would you let DS wear this costume?
by amother
16 Mon, Mar 25 2024, 12:46 pm View last post
Let me be by Gershon Veroba
by amother
0 Thu, Mar 14 2024, 5:01 pm View last post
PSA - don't let these MM threads get into your heads! 7 Thu, Mar 07 2024, 10:00 pm View last post
At what age do you not let your kids see you in pj
by amother
20 Wed, Mar 06 2024, 3:46 am View last post