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How to work on staying calm?



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BatZion




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 16 2016, 8:39 am
I laughed recently with my husband about how I truly thought I was a nice person with good middot before getting married. And now we have a sweet one year old and I find that I had no idea what it meant to have good middot before having a trying little man in one's life Wink

I really want to know how to work on keeping calm- I have lots of tired days and I can only imagine it gets more challenging the more kids that come along- I'm due soon and I know it's probably going to be very challenging with two under two.

Experienced, calm moms out there- please tell me how to do it- how do I stop myself from raising my voice at my little boy at the end of a tiring day when he just pushes me too far? I admire those mothers who manage to keep it together even when pushed by their kids- I'm looking for short-term and long-term answers- meaning short-term solutions- how to deal with it in the moment and also advice on how to work on myself- I'm not an angry person by nature but being a mom is challenging as you all know and I know the bigger they get the more challenging it can get- I don't want to find myself years down the line an angry, aggressive mom who just shouts all the time at her kids - I want to work on this now and to make our house an enjoyable place to be in...

I realize that no-one is an angel and even the calmest of moms may have their moments and most regular moms do but I want to work on myself and on this for the sake of my little boy, for the sake of our future kids please Gd and for the sake of the general atmosphere in the house...

many thanks!
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BatZion




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 16 2016, 8:47 am
oh and if the thought passed through your mind to hug me please don't- I truly have an aversion to the hug button Wink
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Optione




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 16 2016, 9:13 am
I baruch Hashem have 3 under 3.
I try to be very focused on relaxing my body. When I feel like I am about to yell, I relax my muscles and take a deep breath. This usually helps me slow and ease my response. (By nature I'm extremely intense. )
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BatZion




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 16 2016, 9:35 am
Optione- thanks
Yah sometimes I catch myself and breathe and it's good- I too would define myself as "intense" - I should try and catch myself in the moment more perhaps and make a real effort to do as you say..
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Happydance




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 16 2016, 9:47 am
work on letting things slide. He is a baby. dont worry so much about "discipline" at this point.

things wont always go your way, things will spill, he will scream over small things, he will be tired and cranky and dirty

But remember, he is just a baby
He needs you to be gentle, he learns about relationship from these early years
If you work on this now, you will reduce so much tension in your life and in you relationship with your children
(from Rav Wolbe)
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Wed, Mar 16 2016, 6:47 pm
My comments for you BatZion:

First of all, b'shaah tovah, may you give birth at the right time in good health. May your baby be healthy!

I am impressed with your awareness of yourself and your potential ability to not be calm enough. And also with your desire to be calmer!
I strongly suspect three things:
1) that you would be much calmer with your one year old if you weren't currently pregnant and tired.( BTDT, the babies who got the best patience adn calm from me, were those born when their older sibling was 3.5 or 4, not 1.5. ) Be aware that you are probably not at your best right now.
2)I suspect that you probably grew up in a not so calm household. It sounds to me like you had one or both parents who were not calm, did a lot of shouting and left some of the kids feeling emotionally unhappy because of it. It sounds to me like you are desperate to make sure not to follow an example that you have seen before., but to improve on what you have seen in the past. If I am correct in this assumption, then you are right that it is very important to constantly be aware of your actions and reactions.
3) You like things to be perfect, or maybe you grew up in a home where everything was very proper , perfect and had to be 'just so'. In that situation, it can upsetting when things dont go perfectly, the children are not perfect angels, things are hard work, and it makes you upset and you lose your cool.

For example, my husband grew up in a home where there was a lot of yelling, shouting, kids being treated quite harshly. However much he tries to be much gentler and calmer with our children, it just doesnt always work. And he absolutely hates it when I point out to him that he sounds like his mother Wink really not a good comment to make if I want him to continue talking to me LOL.
So it is something that he really has to work on.

btw, even those mothers who you see who look so calm, it s possible that they are not always so calm when not in the public eye....

My tips to staying calm:
1 try to always remember how fortunate you are, to be blessed with a husband and b'ezrat Hashem two children. When you think about that a lot and thank Hashem for it a lot, then you will find it easier to look at your little angels (or not so angelic at times) as a precious precious gift ! Then you will find it easier to calm down...
2 try not to be a perfectionist ! thenif things dont go perfectly, you will not lose your cool.
3 regularly ask Hashem to help you to get through the day. just today. becasue at the stage of your life that you are at, each day has its own challenges. be aware of that and accept that. dont expect to get anything done in your home at all in the next few months, until after shavuous at least when your baby is a couple months old and your toddler has got used to the baby. Do not expect a lot of yourself.

Again, I commend you for looking for advice even before things get overwhelming, it s great that you are on top of the situation in this way. Never stop trying to improve on yourself and your middos. I am talking to myself as well as to you Wink HOpe some of this has been helpful. I wish you great happiness and nachas.

Anon becasue of personal comments about my husbands upbringing...
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BatZion




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 04 2016, 6:29 am
Cyan- only just saw your input- thank-you so much and you are amazingly spot-on in both points 2 and 3- I grew up in a very harsh home as far as discipline was concerned and one where everything had to be just so and this very much stems from a place of desperately not wanting to repeat this...really, really great observations on your part!

Thank-you for the encouragement and wonderful words- it means a lot to me.
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BatZion




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 04 2016, 6:30 am
ps I wonder if your husband is one of my brothers Wink
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Mon, Apr 04 2016, 11:21 am
BatZion wrote:
ps I wonder if your husband is one of my brothers Wink


I guess that's possible, Batzion Wink
Reading through some of your posts, you actually do sound like my sis-in-law, so who knows...

Did you have your baby yet?
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HonesttoGod




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 04 2016, 1:49 pm
Walk away.
Take a breathe, walk away. It is the only thing that stops me losing it some times.
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observer




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 04 2016, 2:15 pm
BatZion wrote:
I laughed recently with my husband about how I truly thought I was a nice person with good middot before getting married. And now we have a sweet one year old and I find that I had no idea what it meant to have good middot before having a trying little man in one's life Wink

I really want to know how to work on keeping calm- I have lots of tired days and I can only imagine it gets more challenging the more kids that come along- I'm due soon and I know it's probably going to be very challenging with two under two.

Experienced, calm moms out there- please tell me how to do it- how do I stop myself from raising my voice at my little boy at the end of a tiring day when he just pushes me too far? I admire those mothers who manage to keep it together even when pushed by their kids- I'm looking for short-term and long-term answers- meaning short-term solutions- how to deal with it in the moment and also advice on how to work on myself- I'm not an angry person by nature but being a mom is challenging as you all know and I know the bigger they get the more challenging it can get- I don't want to find myself years down the line an angry, aggressive mom who just shouts all the time at her kids - I want to work on this now and to make our house an enjoyable place to be in...

I realize that no-one is an angel and even the calmest of moms may have their moments and most regular moms do but I want to work on myself and on this for the sake of my little boy, for the sake of our future kids please Gd and for the sake of the general atmosphere in the house...

many thanks!


Firstly, realize that he is still a baby. He is not trying to get under your skin.

Also, I try to have a rule for myself of not raising my voice. Even if you are not calm inside, it can help keep the environment calm.

Another major point, don't try to do too much when the kids are awake. The expectations are just unrealistic. So if I try to put up a load of laundry, yes, my little toddler will destroy something. When my kids are awake, I try to just be with them, giving them time and attention, playing with them.

It prevents a lot of problems and leads to a much calmer mom and much happier kids!
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amother
Coral


 

Post Mon, Apr 04 2016, 5:12 pm
Lots of good advice in this thread. Some additional pointers;

1. Perspective. Put all of the behaviors that are frustrating you in perspective. Learn about stages of development, and when you do, you will realize how much of what your baby is doing is normal and healthy development. Learn to encourage and take pride in his developing a sense of self (which can look like being stubborn, or oppositional). Enjoy his exploring and problem solving (which can look like making a mess or destroying things. )
Try to be aware of timing; sometimes difficult behavior can just be a signal that baby is tired, hungry, or off schedule, so provide needs accordingly and ignore the difficult behavior. This is really Moms responsibility.
Also, tell yourself that this is a temporary stage and he won't always be so needy, demanding, kvetchy, etc. Imagine him as the tall, handsome, fine young man he will be one day.

2. Mindfulness. When you find your emotions building up, take a step back and take a moment to notice your feelings. Imagine them as bubbles floating away in the sky. Or as clouds in the sky. Don't fight the thoughts or feelings , just notice them. There are other mindfulness techniques, learn about them to help you regulate your emotions.

3. Stimulate. Keep your baby stimulated with a good structure so he knows what will happen when, and so that bored behaviors will not get in the way. Establishing g a good structure can solve half of the issues you are mentioning. Include daily outdoor activities, messy play with crafts, water play, etc. I love Chani8 idea to create an indoor enclosed soft play area for safe climbing and indoor action, with riding toys, etc. This can keep baby happily stimulated for nice periods of time. He is also at the age where he will enjoy parallel play with another baby his age, so try to arrange play dates.
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Mon, Apr 04 2016, 5:22 pm
I work on this very thing in therapy. I would like to share with you what I have learned from the process.

You have to know your trigger points. We don't just explode all of a sudden. If you want to be a calm mommy, you must know yourself intimately.

What is your explode zone?
What is your red zone?
What is your yellow zone?
What is your green zone?

I am an OT and we teach such concepts to children with sensory challenges. One of the programs we use is called "How does your engine run?". We teach the children that we are all like engines, and it is a good visual to help them understand high and low arousal. We also give them the tools to manage themselves and bring themselves back to optimal arousal.




Back to us, and our little ones. We don't just stam yell at our children. Usually, there are multiple signs and triggers that something will be too much for us. Listen to those signs. Follow the directions from your body. Weigh the importance of what you are about to do.

For example,

You just came home from a long day out. You went grocery shopping, and parked a bit far from the store. Nobody was able to help you with the groceries from the store to your car. Then you had to circle for parking when you needed the bathroom. It is cold outside. Your food will not spoil if it is left until your husband comes home. You really don't like to leave the food in the car. WWYD?

Think about it, if your real reaction would be to bring the groceries in, and then go to the bathroom, by the time you get there, you will be exhausted, and of course you can't chase the baby.

What I am trying to say is, that if you know what tires you out/annoys you most, you have won half the battle.
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amother
Navy


 

Post Mon, Apr 04 2016, 5:35 pm
1. get enough sleep!! Drink coffee
2. eat regular, healthy meals
4. take breaks if you need them [a babysitter for an hour, a longer trip to the bathroom, a break if you husband is around etc]
3. remember that having a strong emotional connection to you/having security and stability [does not come when yelling] will impact him for the rest of his life. even if he is little, his mind is being formed. this is too important to mess up on.
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observer




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 04 2016, 5:38 pm
amother wrote:
Lots of good advice in this thread. Some additional pointers;

1. Perspective. Put all of the behaviors that are frustrating you in perspective. Learn about stages of development, and when you do, you will realize how much of what your baby is doing is normal and healthy development. Learn to encourage and take pride in his developing a sense of self (which can look like being stubborn, or oppositional). Enjoy his exploring and problem solving (which can look like making a mess or destroying things. )
Try to be aware of timing; sometimes difficult behavior can just be a signal that baby is tired, hungry, or off schedule, so provide needs accordingly and ignore the difficult behavior. This is really Moms responsibility.
Also, tell yourself that this is a temporary stage and he won't always be so needy, demanding, kvetchy, etc. Imagine him as the tall, handsome, fine young man he will be one day.

2. Mindfulness. When you find your emotions building up, take a step back and take a moment to notice your feelings. Imagine them as bubbles floating away in the sky. Or as clouds in the sky. Don't fight the thoughts or feelings , just notice them. There are other mindfulness techniques, learn about them to help you regulate your emotions.

3. Stimulate. Keep your baby stimulated with a good structure so he knows what will happen when, and so that bored behaviors will not get in the way. Establishing g a good structure can solve half of the issues you are mentioning. Include daily outdoor activities, messy play with crafts, water play, etc. I love Chani8 idea to create an indoor enclosed soft play area for safe climbing and indoor action, with riding toys, etc. This can keep baby happily stimulated for nice periods of time. He is also at the age where he will enjoy parallel play with another baby his age, so try to arrange play dates.


Strongly agree with point #1
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Mon, Apr 04 2016, 5:52 pm
amother wrote:
Lots of good advice in this thread. Some additional pointers;

1. Perspective. Put all of the behaviors that are frustrating you in perspective. Learn about stages of development, and when you do, you will realize how much of what your baby is doing is normal and healthy development. Learn to encourage and take pride in his developing a sense of self (which can look like being stubborn, or oppositional). Enjoy his exploring and problem solving (which can look like making a mess or destroying things. )
Try to be aware of timing; sometimes difficult behavior can just be a signal that baby is tired, hungry, or off schedule, so provide needs accordingly and ignore the difficult behavior. This is really Moms responsibility.
Also, tell yourself that this is a temporary stage and he won't always be so needy, demanding, kvetchy, etc. Imagine him as the tall, handsome, fine young man he will be one day
.

2. Mindfulness. When you find your emotions building up, take a step back and take a moment to notice your feelings. Imagine them as bubbles floating away in the sky. Or as clouds in the sky. Don't fight the thoughts or feelings , just notice them. There are other mindfulness techniques, learn about them to help you regulate your emotions.

3. Stimulate. Keep your baby stimulated with a good structure so he knows what will happen when, and so that bored behaviors will not get in the way. Establishing g a good structure can solve half of the issues you are mentioning. Include daily outdoor activities, messy play with crafts, water play, etc. I love Chani8 idea to create an indoor enclosed soft play area for safe climbing and indoor action, with riding toys, etc. This can keep baby happily stimulated for nice periods of time. He is also at the age where he will enjoy parallel play with another baby his age, so try to arrange play dates.


THIS! (the bolded!)
This is so true, and so important. I can relate to this comment so well. My oldest child was really hard work at age 1- 3, when I realized that it was all normal and age appropriate at least to a degree, it made it a lot easier to deal with his shenanigans. And as for imagining him as 'the tall, handsome, fine young man he will be one day' , well my son is now 16 and a great guy. 15 yrs ago I could never have imagined that he would be a CALM young man, and such a nice chap - he really used to keep me on my toes...
this is really good advice.
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