How to control myself? Hitting/yelling

amother

Seagreen

Thu, Mar 31 2016, 6:29 pm

Sometimes, I get angry at my kids and end up yelling/even hitting. I really don't want to hurt them and try hard to be a loving mom otherwise. I know it's not ok - makes me feel really bad. Please help me!

the world's best mom

Thu, Mar 31 2016, 8:58 pm

That anger comes from feeling out of control and not knowing any better ways to handle them. If you read a parenting book or 2, you may feel like you have more techniques in dealing with them without yelling or hitting. (And you really will have great new ways to deal with them.) You'll feel so much better about yourself.

5mom

Thu, Mar 31 2016, 9:08 pm

I second the advice above. Feeling in control, or understanding why your children are acting a certain way, makes a big difference.

If you are really overwhelmed, it's okay to put yourself in timeout. Go into another room, take a few deep breaths, wash your face, whatever, and then go back to the kids.

These are challenging years, and it's especially hard when you are tired and stressed. Hugs.

amother

Seagreen

Fri, Apr 01 2016, 12:54 am

the world's best mom wrote:

So true! any suggestions on books to read?

amother

Tan

Fri, Apr 01 2016, 1:05 am

http://www.ahaparenting.com/bl.....nting

Look into this articles and the ones related. - I've been reading some of the articles and found them excellent.
You can also work with a parenting coach. That would be awesome.

tryinghard

Fri, Apr 01 2016, 8:38 am

I have always had an anger issue, so DH and I made a rule from the outset that we only potch for danger. This way, I am not hitting my kids out of anger.

...As for the yelling thing, I am trying to improve, I usually feel so guilty afterwards. I definitely agree with those who say that having techniques to fall back on minimizes shouting. But it's still hard, and those of us who struggle with this can understand. I was once with a bunch of women and we were discussing this, and some of them were like, "you shouldnt yell..."
I was thinking, "no duh, it's not something I aspire to", but really if someone can say this, they obviously don't have the same struggles I do and cannot relate. Lucky them LOL

amother

Ecru

Fri, Apr 01 2016, 8:45 am

Check out the nurtured heart approach.
(It's packaged as if it's for the difficult child but really it's amazing parenting tools for any kind of child.) My favorite of all parenting approaches.

amother

Lavender

Fri, Apr 01 2016, 8:52 am

While your behaviour is not ok (which you already know) realize that you are NOT alone. You are NOT the worst mom in the world and plenty of us struggle similarly.
Interestingly what helped me was reading emunah books like garden of emunah. It helped me realizeThat everything even my kid misbehaving is from Hashem. I'm also in a 12 step program for food addiction and I daven often as part of my recovery, for Hashem to help me with my character defects, including this one.
The other day I lost myself and hot my son. I felt bad and made the necessary corrective actions but after I realized that the last time I had hit him was 5 whole months ago. Any hitting out of anger is not ok but I felt pretty grateful that this is happening every 5 months instead of every day like it used to...

amother

Seagreen

Fri, Apr 01 2016, 9:48 am

amother wrote:

Good for you! That must feel great

tweek

Fri, Apr 01 2016, 11:25 am

Ironically, what helped for me was to STOP reading or listening to parenting books, speeches, and programs!!!!!

I know it sounds counterintuitive, but having a bunch of outside opinions and somehow feeling that anything I did was wrong according to one approach or another left me feeling helpless, and out of control.

Then my pediatrician told me that Hashem gave me these kids, because he believes that MY personality, and my way of being is best for them. I learned to calm down and not think about what everyone else says is right or wrong. Instead I try to understand myself and my children better.

I can't say I'm perfect, but I learned to be okay with that too!

little_mage

Fri, Apr 01 2016, 11:34 am

Are you taking care of yourself? I know that my attitude towards my kids gets much worse if I'm hungry or tired. Obviously, that's one of those things that easier said then done, but it's much easier to keep my cool if I'm rested and not hungry (and it a good mood overall, but there's only so much you can do about that...).

myym

Fri, Apr 01 2016, 12:07 pm

Hi OP. Ive read many many parenting books and the one I highly recommend is Setting Limits by Robert Mckenze. You can get it on Amazon. Order it today. It clearly explains how to set limits clearly and simply, and it explains why what you're doing isn't working. Any type of parent will find the advice helpful. I am actually reading it now for the third time. (it's hard work to change old habits. : )
Another book as a dessert to your issue is a jewish book by R schwab, though I forgot the title. Its translated from his hebrew sefer. Something like planting seeds..But thats an extra.

I would love to hear back how you find the setting limits book. I am confident you will love it!

TeachersNotebook

Sat, Apr 02 2016, 11:28 pm

Great advice above. In addition, someone on ImaMother once pointed out this site, and it might be worth looking into: http://theorangerhino.com/

amother

Tan

Tue, Apr 05 2016, 8:04 pm

Just read this in Sarah Chana Radcliff's Facebook page and thought to share with you :
When you feel like you're going to snap, pay attention to that feeling. It is your inner call for help. Something inside is agitated, overwhelmed, at its very limit. Please go take care of it, because it needs you. Tune in and listen to what it has to say. Is it feeling burdened, uncared for, invisible, alone or something else? Acknowledge its feelings and find a way to help. Instead of "snapping" and hurting those you love, love the one who's hurting - that's YOU. Give yourself a bit of time and space to heal before you carry on. It will be much better for all of you.

Good luck