Everything is a fight!

amother

Bronze

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 8:22 pm

Kids ages 12, 9, 5, 3, and 2. There is never a moments peace between my kids. They are frequently at each other's throats. Going for a walk, everyone fights who gets to stand next to me, who's walking too slow, too fast, in my way...In the car, fighting over a seat and then kicking/hitting, hair pulling the whole ride. Fighting over toys/games. Kids get hysterical if another kid gets a fraction bigger piece of cake (I don't use s ruler to give out food). At home physically hurting, nasty speaking to each other, yelling, etc. we went out to eat today, they fought so much that the drinks flew off the table, and the table nearly fell over when 5 yr old dd kicked it angrily. We visited an elderly relative today, they were pushing and shoving each other on the couch. the older ones are worse but now I see the younger ones copying, 3 yr old will out of the blue pull 2 yr old hair.

Aside from the huge embarrassment factor, I'm concerned my kids aren't developing any sort of relationship. They don't play games together, or seem to have fun with each other. I told them last week that they will enjoy their pesach vacation so much more if they treat each other like friends (they usually complain of being bored on time off).

I need discipline strategies!!! Time out doesn't work when there are 2-3 guilty parties simultaneously. can't physically monitor 3 at once. Consequences like losing a privilege or time for electronic toy doesn't seem to effect them. I'll send a fighting child to stay in her room alone for 10 minutes but I'm ignored. Dh at work till evenings so I'm mostly on my own. Help!!!

singleagain

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 8:31 pm

I'm the oldest of four, and we used to fight a lot as well... I can really only offer one solution for my family that worked... and that was a schedule, such as for "who gets to stand next to you. who gets what seat in the car. who's turn is it with the toy." me and my sibs, worked out a rotation of each week someone else sat in the front seat of the car, we also rotated seats around the breakfast table and who held the havdalah candle... we had this huge calendar that hung on our wall and we wrote who's turn for what next to each week --- maybe something similar can help you

mummiedearest

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 8:50 pm

the following works for us: designate a clear container for the system. have each kid pick one destination s/he wants the family to go to for a day trip. whenever the kids do/say anything positive, give them a "positive paper." I print out papers with the destinations printed, but raffle tickets will do. throughout the day, they earn positive papers. at the end of the day, they pick the papers with the destination they want. be generous with the papers. I've been known to offer ten papers for getting out of bed peacefully in the morning. put all earned papers in the container. when the container is full of papers, pick one at random and the whole family goes on a trip.

give them extra opportunities to earn papers. I will ask them to list three good things that happened today for three papers. they are allowed and encouraged to reward each other and their parents. this helps them recognize good in others. they will do it for the goal, but it will get them into positive habits.

every time you go on a trip, start over, but replace the used trip with another.

my kids are very hard to motivate, and this was the longest lasting system for us. we took a long break from it when the kids got tired of it and went back to it again.

gold21

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 9:19 pm

What are some of the interests/hobbies of your 12 yr old and your 9 yr old? They should be kept occupied and busy as much as possible. Assuming they are not hungry, overtired, or bored, I cant understand why they would be so argumentative.

As for the younger ones... that's kind of how it goes.... its pretty normal at that age.

Good Luck!

gilamom

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 9:26 pm

This probably won't help but OMG, SAME HERE!!! And I have almost the exact same ages too. My husband is excited to go to his rebbe's house for a seuda this Pesach, I'm petrified. He says not to worry because everyone's kids act the same way, I don't think so because the fighting over nonsense seems so over the top lately.

amother

Apricot

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 10:24 pm

When you send a child to his room, he must go! No monitoring needed.
Take parenting classes.
You are the mom and you are to be listened to. Control them. Follow through on your consequences. This requires a lot of energy-it WILL ABSOLUTELY pay off. 40 days to change a habit. Invest the time. You can do it.

Provide unconditional love.

amother

Periwinkle

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 11:06 pm

Some very good ideas above - I like the one about encouraging positive and the concept of 40 days to change a habbit.
Re:car - could they have set seats? It would eliminate so much of that stress. Or if there is a certain seat 2 or more kids want, do turns (but probably one kid per week or month so not changing every second which makes it more unsettling).
Maybe there is some kind of professional who can work with them to become better at working together/playing together. Keep in mind some kids behave well in public because they are shy to make a scene in front of strangers.
Maybe less electronics/media can encourage more social interaction between the kids. Maybe playing things with them as a group or group of older ones separate from group of younger ones you may be able to demonstrate playing together.
Re:eating out - I hate eating out with the kids they kvetch etc, so I prefer picking up food and eating at home or in the park.
Hopefully you and dear husband set a good example of people getting along...
Good luck, I wish you much hatzlocha and peace in your home!