Enmeshment within Families Article in Ami

asmileaday

Sun, May 01 2016, 12:46 am

amother wrote:

Can you keep the cans closed?

My therapist asked me my goal in therapy when I first came in and you can focus on getting stronger.

I agree with this. Maybe a therapist can give you the right words to use and help you move out without collapsing under family criticism.

I really feel for you op and hear how trapped you feel. I wish there's a magic pill you can just swallow and poof you're strong!

Keep posting, it'll definitely give you a little courage and we can help validate you that you're not crazy for wanting to get out.

amother

Beige

Sun, May 01 2016, 10:22 am

Maybe I sound harsh but after yom Tov it's always a bit hard after spending loads of family time . Did anyone ever think parents shud be a lot more open minded and accepting? Times r different now and maybe they need to learn to adapt a bit.After all they r the "adults" in the situation. As long as u have an honest discussion with them and are open with them they shud be ok (as long as it's not to a crazy extreme) they shud believe they raised u right to make our own decisions and carry out what the Torah wants in our own way (again as long as it's not extreme and it dsnt sound like it is). maybe it's time for ur parents to except u the way u are.

amother

Puce

Sun, May 01 2016, 1:29 pm

amother wrote:

They should. But obviously aren't.

Op I moved away. Just from one minute to the next. But I had support of my husband. And an abusive relationship with one of my parents so this made it easier to take the plunge.

Jump. Once you made the decision and signed contract tell your parents. It will be a done deal buy then. Practice a line that you will repeat if someone brings up the topic. If you don't engage in these conversations there is no conversation.

Good luck and keep coming back support.

Also, therapy can help a LOT with the guilt and clarity. And you can "keep the cans closed" as a previous poster noted.

Good luck.

amother

Wheat

Sun, May 01 2016, 5:48 pm

Do you have any close friends or relatives you can confide in who you think would support you? I was in an enmeshed family relationship (but from the opposite point -- a secular Jew trying to become a BT over the harsh opposition of controlling parents), and the only thing that enabled me to move forward was the support of someone close to me. And a relative who fronted me some money to help me move to E"Y.

Miri7

Sun, May 01 2016, 6:02 pm

I think moving sounds like a great idea. Plan it out so you have a support system in place. You will need it. Where will you move? Work on finding a community you want to join. Call the rabbi or Rebbetzin and share a little about who you are and let them know that you'd like to get to know others in the community. They may even know a woman who made a similar move to their community recently - that could be a great source of support for you.

I agree that finding a therapist is a good idea. Say "I want to make this move and need support in doing that." You don't need to get into all of your other issues.

amother

Slategray

Sun, May 01 2016, 6:12 pm

I saw this and thought it would be useful to OP and anyone else who is struggling to set proper boundaries with their family members.

“When we begin to set boundaries with people we love, a really hard thing happens: they hurt. They may feel a hole where you used to plug up their aloneness, their disorganization, or their financial irresponsibility. Whatever it is, they will feel a loss. If you love them, this will be difficult for you to watch. But, when you are dealing with someone who is hurting, remember that your boundaries are both necessary for you and helpful for them. If you have been enabling them to be irresponsible, your limit setting may nudge them toward responsibility.” Henry Cloud, Boundaries

Op, I am not sure if you are doing this already but if you are struggling financially then get a job. If you don't have any skills or want to obtain new ones then you may qualify for training programs and/or financial aid for college. If you don't have a high school diploma, then you can take prep classes for the TASC exam at your local community and/or senior college. Some of them have a program where you can start college right after you take the exam if you pass the exam with a certain score. Once you are financially stable, then it will be easier for you to move out but this will keep you busy and distracted until then.

You may also want to learn how to detach from your parents in a healthy way. Setting boundaries with your loved ones is difficult for anyone which is why it's necessary to detach (with love). It would be best if you have as much support as you can possibly have to help you with it so you can find a local support group or attend Al-Anon which would be a good place to learn how to detach or you can find a therapist or a mentor to help you with this as well. It is a difficult journey but there have been others who have already paved the road for you so all you have to do is find this road and start walking on it; one step at a time, one day at a time, and reaching out for support when you stumble upon the stones, rocks and fallen tree stumps that tend to get in the way sometime but don't let these stumbling blocks scare you off the path as good things come to those who continue walking despite the difficulties involved. Good luck!