How do I proceed now with married dtr

amother

Wheat

Sun, May 01 2016, 10:48 am

my married dtr was over with husb & child for shabbos. my g-dtr & my son got into situation where she wanted a toy that my son was holding & he refused. she hit him & I told her to leave the room. Also that same shabbos she slept on dtr's bed during frid nite meal; then I transferred g-dtr to crib so that dtr can sleep on her bed. g-dtr did wake up middle of nite asking to be taken out...did fall asleep again(I didnt wake up from this).long story short,my dtr said I dont make them feel welcome,that we cant give up our beds for her dtr,& is upset my son wldnt give his toy to her & doesnt want any of us disciplining g-dtr. she said she feels I dont treat her the same as the single kids at home-she said she feels like I am not her mother--bottom line is now that she doesnt want to come to us for long period of time bec she always gets hurt. (plus she says when I talk to her I talk like I'm distant from her saying "my kids")
up to this point my kids absolutely adore g-dtr (as do I & my husb)--I have tried my utmost since she is married to be giving,doing for her (my single kids sometimes felt I do more for her than for them). I have tried to do my best to welcome them to our home-by being friendly, getting stuff they like, making food they like.I have bought tons of clothing for them all along (married about 4 years now). honestly I am hurt by what she said (not being a mother to her) & that my kids & I guess myself/husb shldnt discipline her dtr. I dont know how to proceed from here. when my single kids play with her dtr things constantly come up - what & how should they deal with this & how can I start repairing our relationship.

amother

Magenta

Sun, May 01 2016, 11:20 am

I dont have advice to repair the relatuonship but I can tell you how the scenarios you mention could have played out differently.
How old are your single kids? If they're married 4 years then I assume your granddaughter is about 3 or younger. If your kids are older they should be able to play nicely together and give into her. If they're close in age then they play as friends and friends fight over toys sometimes. Either you can tell your son to give the toy to granddaughter or tell your married daughter that her daughter took toy from son and can she please get it back.
Don't discipline granddaughter when parents are present! My inlaws do it all the time. My children and I all HATE it. To the extent that I refuse to discipline in their home now because I feel it's not fair for my children to be disciplined so much. It's not a grandparents job to discipline unless they are babysitting. Even then it should be down lightly.
Why did you move your granddaughter and not her parents? I don't think your daughter is being reasonable to say your child has to give up a bed for granddaughter if there are other accommodations available but the parents should be the ones to move the child if it was necessary.
I am not a mother of a married kid but I am the child and daughter in law and this is how I feel about the situation.

amother

Wheat

Sun, May 01 2016, 1:51 pm

yep, thanks. I am getting the picture. I really never did discipline my g-dtr; this was done on the spur of the moment. my g-dtr did hit another child of mine earlier that day; so when this happened I told her to leave the room. But I see I cant do that either. I will try my hardest never to do that again. Wow, to be a mother with married children or mom in law is super difficult....

Zehava

Sun, May 01 2016, 2:18 pm

I don't know your daughters side of the story so I'm hesitant to post an opinion, but based on your post Id venture a guess that you're a reasonably good mother with good intentions. Based on that scenario Id say your daughter sounds a bit entitled. Kind of teenagery. She still expects you to cater to her demands as though she were still a child. She needs to realize that she's an adult now, and quit kvetching like a sullen teen. She's a mother now. For her daughters sake she has to grow up at some point.

amother

Lilac

Sun, May 01 2016, 2:25 pm

My oldest daughter and my youngest sister are close in age and things like this used to come up a lot. It is very hard to find the right balance between being a grandmother to granddaughter while parenting a child the same age. Twenty years have passed and my
Mother still talks about how challenging it was. My mother did a great job although my younger sister complained a lot about it while growing up. Now that she's married she understands.
Try to think ahead. Ask your children to out away toys that they would have a hard time sharing.
If granddaughter falls asleep in daughter's bed and there is another place for daughter to sleep then why not leave her? If the other option is for you to have daughter sleep in your bed and you are exhausted from all you ton tov prep. And you need a good night's sleep ask your daughter to please move her daughter so that everyone sleeps well.
Something else to keep in mind is if your daughter.
Good luck! A lot of together time sometimes brings out hurt feelings. It sounds like you are trying to keep everyone happy. It's not always easy.

amother

Green

Sun, May 01 2016, 4:21 pm

I'm another amother with siblings closer in age to my kids than to me. I think you both could have done better. Your daughter can't expect hotel like accommodation and needs to remember that it is still the home of her siblings and she is the guest. That said, you could do to understand the needs of toddlers. I know you're not so far removed from the toddler years yourself but it's amazing how quickly some people forget. Yes, toddlers need discipline, and if your daughter isn't there to intervene is a serious situation, then by all means do what you must. But a toddler hitting a kid a few years older who isn't being so nice himself? You'd have been better off telling your son to be nice to his niece, who is littler and doesn't always understand. I would feel tremendously unwelcome if my parents went off on my toddler for behaving in an age appropriate manner rather than dealing with their own child.

seeker

Mon, May 02 2016, 12:23 am

While there seems to be room for your daughter to grow, because you can't actually make that happen let's focus on what you could do differently. Where were the parents when granddaughter needed to be transferred to crib? Perhaps you need to set up sleeping arrangements more explicitly next time. "You will sleep here, and we have set up the crib for Rivky here." and then "How sweet, Rivky fell asleep on Shaindy's bed. OK, seuda's over, time to get everyone to sleep - would you like me to move Rivky for you or do you want to take her yourself?"

She has expressed sensitivity about you saying "my kids" so even if that wasn't apparent to you before, now that she alerted you to the connotation you can try to say "the kids" in the future, where applicable, or just "Shaindy and Avi" or whoever you mean.

In the tiff over the toy, you really can't take sides and should not force your son to give up something before he's ready. You also shouldn't "discipline" your grandchild in the sense of handing down judgment or punishment. What you can do instead is use more positive methods of smoothing over the situation. Which is something most parents benefit from doing anyway. You don't say how old your son is so it's hard to guess what specifically might work. Also missing is whether or not your daughter (granddaughter's mother) was present at the time her child hit yours. But for future reference if you see a fight coming on you can divert it by encouraging ("Who is going to be a big mitzvah boy/girl and give the toy to the other?"), distracting, if you feel more intervention is needed then instead of punishing you can help them use words and learn better turn-taking skills ("Moishy, Rivky would like to play with the truck. When can we give her a turn - one minute or two? OK Rivky, Moishy is giving it to you in a minute, let's see how nicely you can wait - should we sing a song while we wait?") Giving someone else's kid a time out or any other kind of punishment is asking for trouble - you don't know how the kid OR the parent will respond.

seeker

Mon, May 02 2016, 12:25 am

And as for "how should I proceed now" the greatest way would probably be to call her up, apologize for the apparent misunderstandings, and clear the air for the future. Ask for her input about how things like sleeping arrangements should be worked out (and if she does say that all of your kids should move over for hers, that's ok. You can acknowledge the request and then do what makes sense next time. But people like to be heard first.)