Drives me crazy to this day!!! So mad!!!

amother

Green

Wed, May 04 2016, 5:27 am

amother wrote:

Sweetheart, we only know what you've written here, and are responding to that.
We don't know your whole history . I'm sad for you that you are in such terrible pain.

Hope you can get help to feel better.

Hug

Just saying that just because I'm upset about my flowers still doesn't mean I've had a sheltered pampered life.
I went through trauma and yes, my flowers do bother me!
You all may find it insignificant but to me, it matters.
Whatever. Closed discussion.

shabbatiscoming

Wed, May 04 2016, 5:55 am

OP, nobody reading your post is a mind reader. Nobody knew anything about your childhood or your life, other than what you wrote. So how could anyone know that you had an awful childhood or that your mother is a not nice lady?
All we knew was that you didnt get the flowers you wanted on your wedding day.

This bugs me all the time. PSA: If you want people to respond correctly, you have to post everything about your story that you want and need us all to know about that goes with your story and thread. Otherwise we will all respond only to what we read here.

amother

Green

Wed, May 04 2016, 6:07 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

A kallas request was ignored and the mom served herself for whatever reasons. Why does it make it OK to be upset about it just because I've suffered in other ways too?
Because my other suffering has been given a hechsher by all of you ladies.
So essentially, you all decided what I'm allowed to be upset about and what I'm not.
I think a kalla with a pampered childhood would also be allowed to be upset about her flowers.

imasoftov

Wed, May 04 2016, 6:08 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Just hitting "like" would not have been enough.

shabbatiscoming

Wed, May 04 2016, 6:12 am

amother wrote:

Not at all. But many people just didnt think it was something to be upset about or to still be upset about it a few years later.
But then you added more of your life's drama to the picture and it changed things. Do you see the difference?
Mind you, I didnt write my feelings on your post, only about how you added things to your story after everyone answered.

amother

Green

Wed, May 04 2016, 6:15 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

I apologize for making it sound like I was directly criticizing you. I wasn't. I was criticizing the feeling that everyone decided what I'm allowed to be upset at.

amother

Pewter

Wed, May 04 2016, 6:37 am

I do see op's point. A typical imamother thread would look like this-

Op- I'm sad about x. Y denies me my feelings

Reponses- no one can tell you how to feel, you are entitled to your feelings etc. Possibly - even though you feel this way, you should not have done x

Op- thank you for the validation. I feel better now

But this one looked like this (and I'm just as guilty as everyone else)

Op- I feel sad about x
Responses - you have no right to feel sad about x
No wonder op is upset.

Although it was very hard from the original post to do otherwise, I apologize to you, op , for invalidating your feelings

amother

Green

Wed, May 04 2016, 6:44 am

amother wrote:

This is very nice of you- thank you!

amother

Orchid

Wed, May 04 2016, 6:56 am

This is to op
I totally get you
I do think tho that your more angry at the way she treated you then the flowers per say
The flowers are the focus which you say so yourself
I get it bec I have been through a mother like that
It's about her she's selfish
Realize she has issues and she probably behaves this way to all around her
I would advise u seeing a good therapist to help you sort it out so u don't feel like a victim
I say this but I know I haven't found a good therapist myself and it's not easy
Some pp here have success stories on this they may help out
It's important for you so u don't continue suffering any longer
Hatach

FranticFrummie

Wed, May 04 2016, 6:56 am

OP, your mom sounds very self centered and narcissistic. She probably wanted everyone to think how "generous" she was by giving the flowers to the other kallah first - at your expense. That is extremely painful and wrong! Given that this has been a pattern in your life, I can understand how completely that must have just been the icing on a really crappy cake.

Are you in any kind of therapy to help you heal your childhood? My mother was raised by a narcissistic mother, and she suffered terribly her whole life. The wounds go very deep, and can echo into patterns with your own children. My sister and I have been in therapy to deal with being raised by our affected mother, and there are some really good books out there, too.

I posted about the books a year or so ago. I'll try and search for the post, and put up the link in this thread.

amother

Yellow

Wed, May 04 2016, 6:57 am

Excuse me, but I would be very upset if this happened! It's a rude request of someone to ask of a kallah. Who ever heard of sharing fresh flowers? Maybe if they want her old flowers, fine, but what on earth is that type of request? Did I read it wrong?

The flowers are present in the pictures, and the pictures will reflect that.

I think it's ok to say to yourself, this was really not nice. I really did not have great flowers by my wedding. (REgardless if they were used the night before.)

At most weddings, there is some detail that goes wrong. I have a friend who has no wedding video because the videographer's batteries died or something lame like that. My dress had too tight arms and I looked a little stupid. Looking at my pictures, I say, I wish I had altered my dress and not been so cheap.

BUT after you say to yourself, I'm really sad about my flowers, you can then move on and say to yourself, I'm happy with my husband. I'm happy that my wedding passed and I was able to build my own home.

But ladies- come on- are you all really so clueless not to feel her pain? Flowers are a big part of the wedding, and also it's irrelevant what it was, it's causing her pain! Sometimes memories of these mishaps just grow in your mind until you get angrier.

Just admit the anger and hurt and then you can move on and appreciate all the good in your life which hopefully improved since your childhood.

chani8

Wed, May 04 2016, 7:52 am

I'm seriously horrified that your mother gave your flowers for someone else to use before your wedding day. I can possibly see offering them up afterwards, with your permission. But after reading a bit more of your posts (not the whole thread) I see that this disregard for you has been a lifelong ordeal. And the reason you are stuck on the flowers is because it symbolizes all the bad that she has done to you. On the one day that you were special in the eyes of the world, on even that day, she couldn't treat you right.

amother

Firebrick

Wed, May 04 2016, 7:53 am

It's OK to still be pained by this. Over a year later married to the most amazing man and love his mother, and my own mother made us a beautiful wedding, and I am otherwise very mature and easygoing, it still bothers me to no end that I had the tiniest nerdiest bouquet in the world.

Mil was paying for it, and she actually loves flowers and knows a lot about them, but we got married out of town (for us - in town for a different and large community) and she took the first florist without doing further research. Later the manager of the hall told my mom that was the worst florist in the community. When the florist initially emailed me to choose what I want I looked at her portfolio and saw with a sinking heart that the style and look was soooo ugly to me and she seemed super not talented and just "frum" style (tight bouquet, random colors, I wanted a loose gorgeous vibrant NO ROSES)

even after sending her multiple pics of my dream vision (that 2 local florists of mine could have done in a heartbeat) I ended up with an ALL ROSES small bouquet with literal weeds sticking out that I cut off as soon as it was handed to me.

And yes I hate seeing it in the wedding pictures even though I know it's so small and petty and should be over it. That's one reason I never made my wedding album yet or even printed or hung any pictures besides for the couple one I had to give my parents and in laws. I dried the bouquet, as I had always dreamed of, and it literally fits into a canning size Mason jar. It is just so small and pathetic and disappointing to me. And I keep kicking myself for not standing up for what I wanted, spending another $200 of my own money and arranging my own bouquet from my favorite florist instead.

A kallah bouquet is definitely a large part of the dream and it's crushing to not have that for any reason.

thanks

Wed, May 04 2016, 8:11 am

amother wrote:

A kallas request was ignored and the mom served herself for whatever reasons.

Since when does every Kallahs request need to be catered to? I don't think this attitude is ok for any kallah, not even a pampered spoiled one. If you had a rough childhood, I feel for you. I don't think it gives you a license to complain about flowers you didn't pay for.

My mother was totally unavailable to me. I had to borrow a gown, get flowers from a gemach, etc. I even did my own hair since the lady that my mil hired to do makeup didn't do hair. I do not like my wedding pictures, but it has no impact on my life.

Last edited by thanks on Wed, May 04 2016, 8:16 am; edited 1 time in total