Worthless | Imamother

amother

Lemon

Mon, May 09 2016, 2:52 pm

My dh and I are extremely different in temperament and personalities. I am very emotional and he is very removed and solitary. It hurts me greatly.

What hurts me even more is his relationship with our son. We have b'ah 4 kids, but it impacts this son the most for a variety of reasons. He never spends time with him one on one. Never has. I mean he talks to him when we're having dinner, going somewhere, etc. but he never spends time with any of us unless there is something happening. On off time he is by himself, buried in his computer. Or if it's shabbos or Yom tov he is sleeping. Always.

So, my son, who is 14, has developed some resistance toward his father. Nothing profound, but he'll "forget" to do things he's asked, he'll resist going to shul, come late when he knows his father wants him there on time. He can also be kind of chutzpadik answering back, etc.

And lately my dh has been yelling at him a lot. Dh can't see fault on his own part but can dish it out. In terms of what he was saying, he wasn't totally wrong. But the way he says it is harsh and demeaning. And as I've told him, he hasn't earned any currency with his son. No time spent together, no casual conversation, no generosity of spirit. I feel like the effect is compounded because I am so different and so the kids have learned to know and crave closeness and connection.

This morning my son layed down next to me and whispered "Daddy makes me feel so worthless." Then there was a pause and he asked "Am I?" This is not an insecure boy who is given to talking this way. It broke my heart.

I suppose I am venting. Because I came here to ask for a referral for a male therapist for my son in Brooklyn. Somebody very smart and very insightful. More towards modern orthodox if possible. Does anyone know of a therapist who really made an impression on them?

Any other advice is welcome as well.

amother

Cerulean

Mon, May 09 2016, 3:25 pm

Sounds like a rough situation. Kudos to you for being such a wonderful mother that your teenage son is able to confide in you! That is no small thing.

I don't know any therapists to recommend, but maybe look for a family therapist who will be able to work with the whole family from time to time.

You can try calling Relief or MASK for a referral.

amother

Tan

Mon, May 09 2016, 8:34 pm

I know what you mean. As a mother, it's your job sometimes to bridge the gap between an isolated father and a son. You have to be the father's voice. Tell your son, repeatedly, that "your father loves you. He doesn't show it well, but he tells me how proud he is of you all the time." (you can fudge a little on this part. He probably is, but not capable of showing/saying it.)

I came from a family like that, and my mother was always speaking to us for our father. It helped. She would say, loudly, in front of my father and myself, "Father, Daughter here helped me so much. Aren't you proud of her? I love her so much!" And what could he do but agree? If he didn't, "Yes, but she doesn't always do the dishes!" My mother would say, "With the dishes, perfection! It's hard to be perfect!"

Also speak to your husband and tell him how sad your son is, how much he admires him and loves him and looks up to him. Tell him to give him a hug right now. Tell him to praise him. Your husband needs instruction. He doesn't dislike his son, he just doesn't know how to behave. Hug your husband and say, "You know, Son needs a hug like this sometimes."

I'm sorry I don't know therapists, so feel free to ignore my advice.

greenfire

Mon, May 09 2016, 10:08 pm

you cannot change the man - but you can continue to be the voice of reason for your son

kudos for him feeling like he can open up to you with such a deep emotion - that says something about you

also it sounds like a female household and perhaps your son could use a 'big brother' program where a mentor takes him out and does fun stuff and helps create some self as well as self-esteem

amother

Ivory

Mon, May 09 2016, 10:26 pm

Here's what helped my DH to finally get it. We were working with a therapist who was helping our ASD kid.

Therapist asked us to think of the best mentor/boss/teacher we ever had, and list all the positive qualities in that person, and how they made us feel. She wrote our answers down, so the info was on a whiteboard, very clearly laid out. Then, she asked us to think of the worst mentor/boss/teacher we ever had, and list the things they did that were problematic, and how they made us feel. This, too, was written down, on the other half of the board.

Then, she said, "I bet you can figure out where this is going." And asked us which kind of impact we wanted to have on our kids, which kind of parents we wanted to be.

For the first time, it hit DH that all this validation/emotional stuff that I had been talking about for years actually makes a difference in people's lives. Actually had made a difference in his own.

After that, he had to practice all the new skills. Bu at least he saw why it was worth doing.

amother

Lemon

Mon, May 09 2016, 10:39 pm

OP here,
Thank you all so much for the chizzuk and advice. I looked up Abba Cohen and even saw him talking on youtube. I will call and make an appointment.

I really appreciate the advice. I have always wondered how to acknowledge their feelings about what can be real insensitivity on dh's part, without speaking against their father to them which I know is not healthy....

Chayalle

Tue, May 10 2016, 9:56 am

It's not your son that needs to see a therapist. It's your husband.

ETA: I realized my post may be a bit cryptic and comes across as rather insensitive. My apologies. I do firmly believe that what's needed here is a shift in the relationship, and that your husband needs to take responsibility for that. Does he know that he makes his son feel worthless? How does that make HIM feel? He needs to address his issues, and even subtle changes in his interactions with your son can make a HUGE difference. You are the Aizer K'negdo and your involvement here could help your husband and son have a healthy relationship B"EH.