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How to help dh who has difficulty managing kids behavior



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amother
Mauve


 

Post Wed, May 18 2016, 8:52 pm
Dh is an amazing, loving, and devoted father. The kids love him and he loves playing with them, talking to them, etc.

Discipline is not his strength. By nature he is more of a softie. He has really been trying to improve in this area, reading books mainly, asking me how I would deal with certain situations, but it doesn't come naturally to him. He tends to fluctuate between being too soft and then things get out of control and he starts threatening etc.

How can he learn the fine balance?

Bh it comes naturally to me. I feel that I do have the right balance. I have that loving firmness. I send clear messages. I don't yell. The kids listen to me. I try to be proactive, I try to maintain a certain decorum so things don't get chaotic. Oh, and I am a preschool teacher, so overall my discipline techniques are fine tuned.

But when he asks me what I do differently, it's not so easy to teach to someone who doesn't naturally have that. I try and he tries, but stil....

The kids sometimes listen to him, but not when they don't feel like it. He tries to follow through, he knows it's important, but technique is often off. When he does bedtime, it's total chaos. The kids will yell at him or just disregard what he says.

He really wants to improve in this area before the kids get older and it will be more of an issue. Oldest is seven.

Any suggestions from those who have experience in this area?
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amother
Black


 

Post Wed, May 18 2016, 10:07 pm
Since you have a well developed routine and system for your children, why don't you model it for your husband while narrating it? Break it down for him verbally so he can understand what you are doing, why, and what you hope the outcome will be for your Behavioral interventions. Point out a few interventions a day and take time to discuss what worked for you and why. Also discuss what you might have done that wasn't so successful, and why. This will help him learn, but it won't put him on the spot since you are making yourself the focus, not him, so he won't feel criticized. When you see him intervening well in terms of discipline, give him positive feedback, so he can build on his successes.

One thing you may already be doing but does not typically come naturally to men, is to give children advanced notice and planning ahead in the routine. (Ie. Five more minutes, then it's time for pajamas. Then we will read a story!). Or other examples like that. Most men tend to be more in the moment with their Parenting and reactive, and do less of a proactive approach. You can teach him how to be more proactive and eliminate a lot of discipline problems that way.
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amother
Powderblue


 

Post Wed, May 18 2016, 11:50 pm
Haave you ever watched Supernanny on youtube? I think she has some excellent tips for disciplining children.
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Thu, May 19 2016, 10:20 am
Thank you. Will try those suggestions.

Anyone else?
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myym




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 19 2016, 1:22 pm
I am like your husband in my marriage, though I cant say my husband has perfect techniques like you : (. That being said I can recommend a great book!
Setting Limits by Robert Mckenzie is super. Especially for ppl like me (and apparently your husband) who just doesn't naturally have that balance. Just to give you perspective, it usually has something to do with your upbringing which will affect the way you parent. Give your husband some slack for trying, and reading. It's great of him to look for advice!
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Thu, May 19 2016, 1:59 pm
myym wrote:
I am like your husband in my marriage, though I cant say my husband has perfect techniques like you : (. That being said I can recommend a great book!
Setting Limits by Robert Mckenzie is super. Especially for ppl like me (and apparently your husband) who just doesn't naturally have that balance. Just to give you perspective, it usually has something to do with your upbringing which will affect the way you parent. Give your husband some slack for trying, and reading. It's great of him to look for advice!

Thank you, we actually have that book and he started it a while ago, but I don't think he got too far. I will take it out again.
And yes, his mother alternated between permissive and punitive, with much more permissive. Interesting.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 19 2016, 2:57 pm
I know I'm not the OP but I could've written your post. My DH is one big softie who finds it hard to discipline.

I don't really have any sage advice for you except to say, there are different ways to parent. I try to appreciate DH and remember that I likely was drawn to these same qualities when I said yes to his marriage proposal. At least my kids get to have a loving father, even if it sometimes comes along with treats right before supper, and other things they get out of him. He has definitely made strides though, and I try to talk to him (privately) about things I really need him to say no to. We're on the same page, and he learned that Shabbos party comes after the meal, and he can walk into a toy store with DD and stick to the budget he agreed to beforehand (so if the prize she is getting was supposed to be under $5 and she is trying to get something bigger out of him, he tells her they will leave the store if that persists.....)

I know he does read books (he likes Rabbi Orloweck) and listens to all sorts of tapes, that have helped over the years. Overall, though, a person doesn't change their personality, and I wouldn't really want him to.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 19 2016, 2:58 pm
amother wrote:
Thank you, we actually have that book and he started it a while ago, but I don't think he got too far. I will take it out again.
And yes, his mother alternated between permissive and punitive, with much more permissive. Interesting.


I find that interesting as well, and that could also describe my MIL A"H.
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Thu, May 19 2016, 3:08 pm
Chayalle wrote:
I know I'm not the OP but I could've written your post. My DH is one big softie who finds it hard to discipline.

I don't really have any sage advice for you except to say, there are different ways to parent. I try to appreciate DH and remember that I likely was drawn to these same qualities when I said yes to his marriage proposal. At least my kids get to have a loving father, even if it sometimes comes along with treats right before supper, and other things they get out of him. He has definitely made strides though, and I try to talk to him (privately) about things I really need him to say no to. We're on the same page, and he learned that Shabbos party comes after the meal, and he can walk into a toy store with DD and stick to the budget he agreed to beforehand (so if the prize she is getting was supposed to be under $5 and she is trying to get something bigger out of him, he tells her they will leave the store if that persists.....)

I know he does read books (he likes Rabbi Orloweck) and listens to all sorts of tapes, that have helped over the years. Overall, though, a person doesn't change their personality, and I wouldn't really want him to.


Thank you, I feel so understood! Yes, the kids know that they can manipulate him for certain things that they can't with me. Funny thing is, I am not a super strict mother at all. I am more of a gentle parent, very into spending time with them, snuggling, talking to them, etc. but I think I am more clear when I say things and firm if I need to be.
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