Do I have to have my in-laws for Shavous?

watergirl

Thu, May 19 2016, 10:33 am

L K wrote:

Am I the only one who noticed OP mention ils "criticizing kids" for 3 days, and thinks that this is the most problematic of all issues?

I dont think you are the only one who noticed it a number of us have commented on it. It seems like this is something that most DILs accuse their in laws of doing - myself included. I think its part and parcel of the complicated relationship.

L K

Thu, May 19 2016, 11:14 am

watergirl wrote:

I happen to have someone on MY side criticizing my kids excessively (actually, in my case it stems from controlling and abusive behaviors).
I'm adamant that children must be protected by their parents in such situations.
Not sure why such concerns should be dismissed because it's the dil complaining about her ils rather than about her own parents. Does her possible prejudice as a dil legitimize the criticism her kids are going to be subjected to for 3 days?

amother

Denim

Thu, May 19 2016, 3:39 pm

I'm just wondering how many ppl who say "oh, yeah, cut out this or that, and make it easier on yourself" -just how many of you actually host your in-laws ALL THE TIME. Or are you still going to your in-laws- which makes it so much easier for you to be giving advice. My interpretation of the op's post is that besides it being physically draining, it is emotionally draining, and impedes on their family time (which due to working doesn't happen a lot).

I'll never forget how I once posted on here how I hosted my in laws all the time and once, just once, I asked in laws if I can walk over for ONE meal on shavuos. The meal was awful and in-laws behaved terribly to my children telling them, "no! don't do this! no! don't touch that!" the whole time. My kids were not misbehaving. One poster wrote how "oh, it was too much for them!" oy. nebach. And it's not too much for me to have them EVERY SINGLE YOM TOV?! Some ppl are givers and some ppl are takers. I gave so much I have nothing left to give to them. That's why I'm done. Op, don't become a burn-out case like me. Learn to set your boundaries from the get-go. No one should ever assume because they did something for the past 20 years (parents-in-law or children-in-law) that things ALWAYS stay the same. Or that dumb line about "oh! it's tradition!" No! Everyone is human. Things change. Never assume.

amother

Chocolate

Thu, May 19 2016, 3:45 pm

I just think it's ironic that young people expect their parents and in laws to host them all no problem for all the chagim but 3 days once a year is way too much.

Op said her in laws are fine hosting her she doesn't want to go.

L K

Thu, May 19 2016, 5:13 pm

amother wrote:

I'm not sure we can generalize that it's the same young ones who expect to be hosted and don't want to host themselves. I'm sure there are many combinations.

I also know that with some of my toxic relatives (not sure if it applies to the ops in-laws at all but info could be useful to others) I have a max of 24 or 48 hours, after which said relatives are guaranteed to turn into monsters, while turning me into a miserable pathetic pumpkin and world war three begins.

I know there are some people whom I could host specifically for up to 4 hours, one day or two days. Maybe that's ops case as well that three days is not the same as two days plus one, but over three days their behavior and relationship changes in quality.

amother

Cerulean

Thu, May 19 2016, 5:26 pm

L K wrote:

If that's the case, maybe the thread topic is "I don't want to spend a 3-day yom tov with my in-laws?" Regardless of who's hosting.

I think that 's more the issue.

OP does not want her inlaws to host her. She wants to stay home with her family.

amother

Wine

Thu, May 19 2016, 5:28 pm

LK, I like what you said, that 2+1 doesn't equal 3. We had this with my parents until I finally got up the nerve to ask that they don't come down a day early when coming for Shabbos. It made such a difference!

I don't think it needs to be toxic for this to be the case. You can have opposites that grate on each other. Maybe OP is somewhat of an introvert and MIL thinks relaxation for both of them is sitting and talking to her while she needs down time. Maybe it's loud vs quiet, or the in laws encourage qualities in OP's kids she doesn't like but aren't objectively bad.

amother

Babyblue

Thu, May 19 2016, 5:38 pm

I totally get why you would not want to have them. But sometimes we have to do stuff we dont like just because we should and its the right thing to do. you should try ur best not to make urself crazy and just be nice and welcoming. Try to put yourself in their shoes and how would you feel wen ur son grows up and his wife has no interest in having you for a yom tov and you had to be Lonely. Just have them and suck it up its the correct thing to do.

Another mom

Thu, May 19 2016, 8:39 pm

I guess I'd be insulted if I raised your husband for 20+ years(education, getting up at night, doctors, food and board) and then not being invited for YT even if it's 3 days. They deserve it, even though it's stressful. Take long naps if u can for "down" time.

amother

Burgundy

Thu, May 19 2016, 9:58 pm

Op here you're right you're right I should have them. my DH already told them today that they can come and they said "great".

and you're right I feel forced to have them and when I told my m-i-l last week "I'm not sure, it's overwhelming". she said "oh please, I'll bring food, we don't eat a lot, 6 meals is not harder than 4 etc etc." so I feel like they don't understand and will be terribly insulted if we say no just cuz it's too hard for me. and yes I like my privacy , reading on the couch when my husband is at maariv instead of shmoozing with my m-i-l