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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Preschoolers
Letting him deal with conflict on his own



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justforfun87




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 19 2016, 8:33 pm
I know this is my issue but was looking for advice. Kids can say mean things, I get it. The issue is how do I as a parent allow my kid to deal with conflict on his own. He is 4yrs old. For example we were at the park yesterday and there were maybe 6 boys around his age. He did not know the other boys but they all drifted together and found caterpillars as a common interest. One kid around his age started saying things like "You can't hold this caterpillar" "go away." etc... My instinct was to go over and tear this kid a new one. This is obviously a problem since the kids was probably only 5. I also feel my heartbreak when we eat at someones house and a little group of girls will tell him he cant play with them.
I am incredibly sensitive to bullying. My father was bullied growing up and I saw the toll it took on his self esteem. I sort of grew myself into this "cool persona" so that I wouldn't have to be an underdog. The thought of anyone hurting my kid's feelings brings out such a deep pain inside of me. I understand these examples are in no way bullying but as he grows older I just worry so much about him. He also has a speech delay which has been improving but that adds to the worry as kids have mentioned it. So how do you as moms back off and allow your kid to navigate these emotions. This should probably be in the emotional forum.
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the world's best mom




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 20 2016, 4:18 am
I would stick up for my kid, teaching him by example how to handle this kind of situation. That way he won't be hurt and wondering why you don't care enough to help.
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yo'ma




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 20 2016, 6:22 am
I wouldn't get involved unless asked and even if so, I would teach him ways to deal with it and how he should act. Also after the fact especially if he brought it up, but even if he didn't, I might bring it up on my own and have a discussion about it.
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amother
Denim


 

Post Fri, May 20 2016, 6:36 am
Not OP but following.
Please can you elaborate on how you would teach him tools to deal with situations like this.
In the example how would you have role modeled a solution.
TIA
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Fri, May 20 2016, 6:43 am
Most children do not know how to stand up for themselves naturally, they need to be taught. At home, educate him. Say things like, "sometimes it is hard for kids to share/include/play nicely. What should a kid do if someone isn't being nice to him?" Even if he says he doesn't know, wait, and encourage him to come up with some solutions. You can offer one of your own, "I think one good idea would be to say--'hey, it's not ok to be mean to other kids, lets just play and have fun.' if they kid says no, or laughs, you can say, 'I'm not playing with you if you can't play nicely."
If a kid hits your kid, you teach your kid to say, "HEY! NO HITTING." If they continue, you tell their mother or a teacher there. If there is no mother or teacher there and they do not stop from your child's words, teach them to hit back.
The attitude is: I am a worthy, likable person. It is not ok to hurt someone me. If you cannot play nicely, I will try as nicely as I can to make you stop, otherwise I am not interested in being your friend.
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PassionFruit




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 20 2016, 6:45 am
I agree with Cyan, but if it is in the moment and your child doesn't have the tools, walk over and say to the bullying kid, "hey, it is not ok to hit. This is a nice park where all the kids are nice to each other. If you can't play nicely, I am going to ask your mommy to come see whats going on." If your kid is only 4, it is ok to stand up for him! I would be more worried about a 9 year old that couldn't do it
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