Child #2. Missing child #1

Orchid

Fri, May 20 2016, 2:43 pm

amother wrote:

Thanks ladies for all your advice. I guess I do need to get back into therapy.
I know it's weird that I was so close to my older daughter. But she's so mature. Obviously we have a mother child relationship. but I would really talk to her. And I just felt close. And know since the baby came the relationship. Has changed. I guess I'm just missing her

Do you have friends your age - ie, someone not 3?
How's your relationship with your husband?

Perhaps your 3 year old is filling a hole caused by lack of other relationships. If so, this is neither helpful for you nor healthy for her.

amother

Lawngreen

Sun, May 22 2016, 2:38 am

amother wrote:

When I was three I used to remind my mother to take her meds when she was sad and she used to talk to me about everything, including her problems, which in my opinion is the worst thing a parent can burden a child with. This went on throughout my childhood.

Can you imagine what this did to my childhood? Of course she's 'mature' - if you're talking to her in a grown up way you're effectively not letting her be a child.

A child does not deserve to feel responsible for their parent's feelings or feel they should be solving their problems, which is what happens in these cases. It's 100% selfish to share in this way - terrible for the child. From my experience, I'd go to say that it isn't love, it's selfishness. You wouldn't damage someone you love to creating a relationship that will hurt them. A child will know how you feel about them and will be alienated from peers. I grew up being friends with my mom and her friends. I still can't have friends my own age and I don't have happy care-free childhood memories - most of the time I spent with my mom. I still struggle with giving myself permission to relax and have fun.

Also - your daughter will have to learn to live without you too. Even if this becomes a mutual intensity and makes you feel good because she seems to enjoy the relationship - she will suffer when she has to become independent or hold a relationship such as a marriage where she doesn't need you as a third person holding so much importance.

I learned the hard way when my mom died when I was a teenager. I was left totally alone. She was my everything. Is that healthy? No. BH I got married but I struggle all the time for my DH not to be my everything and to have more relationships. I feel very damaged from the way my mother treated me, although if someone had asked me about our relationship, I can recognize how close and special it was. But not everything that feels good is good.