How can I determine if he was molested?

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Forum -> Children's Health

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amother

Hotpink

Thu, May 26 2016, 2:09 pm

DH and I have been concerned for a few weeks now about our 4 year old DS. His behavior has been pretty bad of late, he is volatile and gets extremely angry, and freaks out if anything doesn't go his way. None of this is new, it's just the frequency that has dramatically increased. We have been scratching our heads about it, and then last night DH said something about "since pesach" that set me to wondering - could he have been molested over Pesach? We were with family, some close, some distant, and considering his changed behavior, I can't help wondering...

There are a couple of other causes we are thinking about - b'H I am expecting, but I am having a rough time of it, and DS may be picking up on it. Things are definitely not running as smoothly at home right now as they should be...

Also DS is extremely musical, and we wonder if sfira could have been affecting him (easy enough to tell within the next few days...)

We are making a trip in the near future to the same place we were on Pesach, and DS is excited about it, so that makes me second-guess my theory - wouldn't he be unhappy about going there if something had happened?
I had a conversation with DS this morning, reminiscing about Pesach, and what was good and what was bad. He couldn't come up with anything bad.
We frequently talk about body privacy, and who can see or touch one's private areas and under what circumstances. I asked him again today, and he was able to tell me right out that only a parent or a doctor can see or touch his private areas, and only to clean or check if there's something wrong. He was very emphatic about "Nobody else, not even a grownup", but seemed a little stumped about what to do if someone tries. I went through it with him, and asked him if anyone ever touched his private area, and he said, "no way. Never ever"

Oh wise amothers, what should I do? How can I determine if anything happened? Am I being overly paranoid?

amother

Teal

Thu, May 26 2016, 2:20 pm

Yes. You are being overly paranoid. It's mothers like you who cause false accusations against innocent people by putting ideas into their child's head where there was none.

You yourself said that none of this is new.

I'm sorry to sound so harsh but someone close to me was accused by someone like you whose mind jumps to molestation at the first sign of what could be behavioral strep.

amother

Oak

Thu, May 26 2016, 2:25 pm

amother wrote:

definitely rule out strep! then have him talk to someone who is not in your immediate family (aunt/uncle, close cousin) and see what he says when he talks to them - let the conversation be VERY casual

amother

Teal

Thu, May 26 2016, 2:26 pm

amother wrote:

For what purpose? So that she can make this into an even bigger deal? With more suggestive questions by untrained people?

amother

Hotpink

Thu, May 26 2016, 2:36 pm

Wow. That was really unnecessary, and if you feel so strongly, you should at least have the guts to be nasty under your screen name...

I am actually taking a reasoned, calm approach to this. I am so far from making accusations... I am trying to figure out what's going on with my son.

Yes, these behaviors are not new, but there is a MARKED difference in the frequency and intensity, and a specific time frame within which the change occurred. It was definitely not the first thing I thought of, being that it's been a month of trying to figure this out.

I am sorry for you and your relative's experience. But that doesn't mean that these things don't happen. My educating my child and trying to teach him to stand up for himself, and my being aware and not ruling out possibilities however unlikely, do not make me a false accuser.

amother

Bisque

Thu, May 26 2016, 2:46 pm

When my kids' behavior gets really bad, it's often strep.

kollel wife

Thu, May 26 2016, 2:52 pm

In my case it was once a virus - but I also agree sometimes in young children, who are always difficult or kvetchy - they get more so when there's some underlying illness with no obvious symptoms.

Ema of 5

Thu, May 26 2016, 2:58 pm

amother wrote:

OP is not making any accusations against anyone. She is doing her job as a mother to try to figure out what is bothering her child. It doesn't seem like anyone is putting any ideas or suggestions into her child's head. The suggestion of possible molestation was only one of numerous suggestions.

amother

Hotpink

Thu, May 26 2016, 2:59 pm

Can strep cause behavioral changes going on for a month?

observer

Thu, May 26 2016, 3:00 pm

Sure, if it's untreated.

amother

Babypink

Thu, May 26 2016, 4:37 pm

amother wrote:

Can strep cause behavioral changes going on for a month?

Untreated strep can cause PANDAS, which manifests in sudden onset of severe behavioral changes, including mood instability, personality changes, anxiety and OCD changes among others.

FranticFrummie

Thu, May 26 2016, 4:37 pm

My DD was a sweet and easy going child until she was 4, and then it was like a monster took over. It was absolutely the hardest year of our lives. She was constantly having strep, and by the time she was 5 she got her tonsils out.

Within 48 hours she was absolutely the sweetest kid you'd ever want to meet, compliant, cheerful, even more adorable than ever. It was literally night and day. Now she gets crabby when she's fighting off a virus, or when she's about to get her period, but otherwise she's still really easy going. I am absolutely sure that strep was the culprit when she was younger.

myym

Thu, May 26 2016, 4:40 pm

As an aside a 4 year old and 5 year old, for next years purpose, can certainly listen to music during sefira, according to halacha.

gp2.0

Thu, May 26 2016, 6:25 pm

Is he sleeping well at night? It took my kids ages to get used to the clock change this year. One of my kids still hasn't adjusted - she used to go to sleep at 7 and wake up at 6, now she won't fall asleep until 8 but still wakes up at 6.

5*Mom

Thu, May 26 2016, 6:47 pm

You might consider allergies. When some of my kids were younger they became monsters predictably in certain seasons.

Also, 4 is notoriously a very difficult age, in many ways more difficult than 2. Any period of rapid brain growth will throw a child off kilter while the brain is rewiring, in much the same way that road construction messes with traffic flow, so it may or may not be something specific and identifiable. I wouldn't necessarily assume molestation if you have no reason to suspect it other than the out of sync behavior.

amother

Bronze

Thu, May 26 2016, 9:30 pm

You did not provide enough information for anyone to know for sure yes or for sure no. Should you always have your eyes open and think it can be a possibility, YES! So good for you, this is your job as a mother. It is good you asked him.
My son acted crazy irritable for two months, and yes, it turned out he was molested. I had a niggling feeling for a few weeks, and asked him straight out and the story tumbled out over the next few days. He was 3.5.
For us, he also wasn't eating well or sleeping well.

I know you asked him already, and that was good. I would keep my eyes open a little longer. See if he resists going to certain places, or looks like he feels "weird" about a relative [meaning scared, or overly attached..]

It could be nothing. It could be bullying. It could be a over-reaction to normal stress.

One thing that can't hurt is a few sessions with a play therapist. What happens there is the therapist lets the kid play whatever they want without prompting the kid at all. There is a big room full of toys and often the kid will act out something that is bothering them. It is about having a fun safe environment to do or say anything they feel they want to. Sometimes at home, there is too much activity or stress for a kid to let out something they need to.

Hugs, it's hard!!!

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